Does anyone else just legitimately hate their relationship?
I didn’t sleep for a whole year. My son was very colicky, worst sleeper. I breastfed for 14 months WHILE working full time. Now he’s almost 16 months and still not a great sleeper. This week on average, and most weeks I get 5hrs of sleep. My husband never puts my son to bed and hasn’t once since he was born. He isn’t proactive in helping me with anything…
(The rest is below)

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When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

It sounds like you would be a great single mom.

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This part right here !!! I second this emotion.
I am a mother of three! Single and divorced.

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Well you haven’t mentioned a single “nice and loving” example but I’ll take your word for it. This sounds so toxic and you know it. So here’s my suggestion.. stop fighting. Write a letter or otherwise collect your thoughts when you are calm and come up with a way to deliver them without it escalating into a heated argument. Something like “from my point of view, I am not only the breadwinner in this family, but also the primary caregiver, and it’s not working for me anymore. I understand you are stressed around your side business and are hoping to turn it into something great for all of us, but instead it’s tearing our family apart. Here are the things I would need you to commit to working on for me to want to stay in this relationship..” and be specific! I’d suggest couples counseling, no more name calling, he handles bedtime 2-3 days a week, etc.

It sounds like you’ve tried a lot of conservations already and nothing has changed so it’s time to think about whether this person is adding value to your life or taking value away. As a single mom you’ll still get 5 hours of sleep right but you won’t be called names.

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He also started a business. (His 3rd attempt) while I pay rent for 3 years and all our bills.
If he’s not going to his business after his full time job, he comes home and sits on the couch and stays on his phone for HOURS. I come home after him from work with our son and take care of him the entire rest of the night. I’ll feed him dinner, wash the bottles, change his diaper, clothes, etc.
then the rest of the week I struggle to even concentrate at work with the lack of sleep.

Last night my son fell asleep at 1130 and we woke up at 10am!!!! I slept in with him and it was a miracle. My sis came over with her son, I tidied up as best I could with them running around. (1 bedroom apartment).
We had lunch, I cleaned up, washed bottles, did two loads of laundry, and then we went shopping for an hour then she left. For the rest of the day I continue feeding my son all day, unload the dishwasher, wash more bottles, vacuumed, fed him again, changed diapers, changed his clothes, etc. I felt like I did so much today yet the place is a disaster.

And it’s my fault supposedly.
My husband was gone all day at his startup from 8am to 1030pm.
He walks through the door and then it starts. At first he asked me if I want to watch a movie with him bc I got our son down at 10pm.
Why is this place such a mess? You were home all day. I don’t get it. Why don’t you clean something?!
(Tv remote is missing) Are you going to find the remote? Like it’s my fault the remote is missing.

There’s no more kiss hello, there’s no more how was your day? There’s no talking to me anymore that isn’t some from of insinuation that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing according to him.

I’ve had it. I feel like I’m going to lose my sh***!

We keep fighting about the same things every single day. I’m exhausted. I work full time and he expects me to keep house? Not to mention I NEVER. Get a break. I wfh and head to my moms so they can watch him, but I’m also helping. And when I get home, I take care of him the rest of the night. I can’t make ANY appointments bc I can’t rely that he’ll be there to watch our son. All on 5hrs of sleep.

I can’t go to the gym. I can’t have an hour to myself to work on my own business. God forbid I ask to take a nap bc I haven’t slept in 3 days. Nope.

He picks fights with me. Talks shut about my sister to my face. I could go on.
I love my job… he tells me I’m not making enough and I need to make more. I pay for everything for us. My debt is starting to accumulate. He doesn’t save. He’s trying to start up the business “for our future” and can’t seem to manage ANYTHING else.

I feel like I’m just an afterthought to him. I don’t feel like he cares about me anymore. I’m starting to despise him. I could care less about his business now bc this is the 3rd time he’s invested so much money and it’s just a hardship on me. I carry the brunt of it.

I don’t know what to do. Im miserable. I hate this marriage.

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When I try to talk to him about it he calls me lazy and selfish, calls me names. Threatens divorce. It’s like he has two sides to him. One side he’s nice and loving and then the other side this and I can’t take it anymore.

Reading this is like I could have written this exact same thing when my first-born was 16 months.

3 things that really helped me, in this order:
- Sleep training so then I could get a full nights sleep. I was strict with it for about a week and then we co-slept and snuggled her to sleep once she got the hang of sleeping through the night. Otherwise she would wake up every 2-3 hours.
- getting a part-time nanny, and use my mom part-time. That way my mom was around to give me a break when I needed it whereas when she watched my daughter full time, I never really got alone time because I felt guilty asking my mom for more of her time. Also, if I really, really needed a break I ask the nanny to come an extra day or stay a couple extra hours after I’m done with work. It’s expensive but worth it for sanity
- third - I could finally have logical discussions with my husband without losing it as I got some space and rest. Otherwise all our discussions would end up with me getting triggered and yelling and just not productive. I just had to make him see that he needed to pull his weight and it took a while but we are in a much better place now whereas before I would feel like I was shouldering all the weight
I actually have two kiddos and things are still chaotic but atleast he and I are in it together now. I prob still pull 85% of the load but make sure I get 1-2 nights off and he steps up. I do work part-time while he works full-time.

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Part-time after first baby, 70% schedule. My husband wasn’t unwilling to help out, he just didn’t anticipate or understand what needed to get done, prob because I just did it all. It took a lot of conversations and me letting go and just letting him deal with baby and figure it out on his own.
Also, he does more around the house than me.

Yeah, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I would be divorced so fast this guy’s head would be spinning. I struggle enough with the demands of parenthood and have a husband who truly splits every parenting duty with me 50/50. Please know this is NOT acceptable or just the “norm” for men (or at least it shouldn’t be). There are men that will truly value, respect, and help you and you deserve that.

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