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Have you communicated this to your partner? One of the things I have learnt in my 9 years with my now husband, he isn’t solely responsible for my happiness. That is way too big of a ask. Second is if something is bothering me or I want him to work on something, I need to communicate it with him and not expect him to magically know what’s in my head. Sometimes I have to think if there are things that I can change to make me happier.
I would recommend talking to him and/or a therapist. I’ve suffered from major depression most of my life and I’ve had to learn to separate those feelings from feelings about my marriage. I often feel empty as a result of my depression and it’s not due to my relationship with my husband. I’ve found therapy very helpful to decipher between what is more of a “me” issue vs what is a marriage issue. This may not apply to you at all but just wanted to share my perspective.
What is emotional emptiness? Are there examples of things/action items you would want him to do that will resolve this. 11 years in marriage, dated for 5years , happy but have had some episodes of downs along the way. Knowing exactly what you want from your partner is helpful because you can communicate it and ask for it. Sometimes when you do this deep thinking of what you want you might realize that you don’t even know what action items he could do to resolve it. Sometimes we look for the other person to make us happy and not take ownership of our own happiness.
My husband was like this so I pushed him to get counseling and to realize this is not normal. We have been married 20 years. I was not sure at 3.5 years that I had married the right person. Now that we have children and have just gone through some health issues, I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Marriage is hard! We have had many ups and downs but I know he loves me and I love him. You just have to figure out how to communicate and love each other. You have different backgrounds and needs and you just need to figure it all out.
I felt this way and got divorced. I tried to talk to him but I realized there was nothing he could do, I just wasn’t feeling it. He was also good on paper but I just didn’t feel emotionally connected. It was hard to get divorced (family was distraught, friends didn’t quite understand) but I’m so happy I did, because I remarried and we now have a child and I cannot imagine going through all these tough changes with someone who I didn’t feel connected to.
Y’all be scaring me. I already have commitment issues…
I meet my husband when I was 22 and he was 27. 6 months in we knew we wanted to be together forever. It’s been 9 years now and we can’t imagine a life without each other. We have ups and downs but we truly try to work with the other person, primarily because we know trust the other person behaved the way they did without any negative intentions.
My husband and I did a pre-marital course at the church. He didn’t want to get married prior to doing that because he was divorced.
We learned about each other’s love languages during the premarital course and the things that I need to do to make him feel loved. He’s quality time, I’m physical touch.
I highly recommend doing some sort of marriage program at the church. Hang out with other married couples. Marriage was intended to be forever, work on it, don’t give up on your spouse and your marriage. God bless. 😊
It sounds like a lot of us went through a similar experience. I too am thankful I left a 7 year relationship. I am happily remarried now and can’t believe I made such a big deal of leaving. It was the best thing I’ve done for myself.
There are two concepts that really spoke to me:
1) never marry a man unless you’d be proud to have children exactly like him, and
2) we stay in relationships because we don’t see a reason to leave. Instead, we should be looking for a reason to stay
Nothing is more valuable than our time.
Pro
Get out before it is to late.
You deserve to be with a person that checks all your boxes.
You can have all the talks you want with him, but it’s rare for a man to change.
I hear you. I did not get married legally , but I have spent 10 years with the person and it feels empty and the rest of things you listed
Oh man I'm 6 years in and engaged and thinking of calling it off cause I feel the same emotional emptiness. Maybe this is how all relationships get after enough time? Idk. He also looks good on paper and does treat me well.. I might be making a mistake if I call it off
I agree with others - don’t go into marriage if you’re already feeling this way. However, I would suggest to try to work it out together. Try genuinely opening up with your partner and see if you can get somewhere that way.
I had that with my first husband. I’m remarried now and couldn’t be happier. Well unless we were really rich.
Pro
Are you romantically empty or emotionally empty? Our partners aren’t supposed to fulfill all of our emotional needs.
Have you discussed love languages with him? I found that to be a very helpful conversation in my own relationship as we definitely do not inherently have the same love language.
I highly recommend marriage therapy, and birth control while you work on your marriage. Ask him if he would be willing to do therapy with you because you're having a hard time. If he won't do it, let him know you're going to do it without him.
Don't throw in the towel without seeking help. (Unless there is abuse or something very severe)
Rising Star
I’ve been married for 3 years and feel very happy in my marriage. We come from different cultures and different socioeconomical backgrounds and I would say mostly our personality types are different. But we love each other very much and have made honest communication a super important part of our relationship. So we’ve learned a lot over our time together and are still learning. If the love is there and the relationship is healthy, you can work past any communication issues.
I have been struggling with a marriage decision too. 1 year engaged. I am not sure I can move past the fact he lied about his drinking habits and I didn’t know until after the proposal.
Rising Star
100% agree with PwC 3. No heavy drinkers, no “recovering” anything. You certainly don’t want to bring children into that relationship — that’s a recipe for disaster. I’m less forgiving concerning drugs and alcohol so this would be a deal breaker for me and I’d be done with the relationship.
Omg I had the same problem and can totally relate! Been dating my boyfriend for 6 years (and he’s also my first boyfriend) and now I’m 25/26 ish but don’t feel like marrying him or having kids w him at all. He checks most of my boxes so it’s hard to give up this relationship but I don’t feel sexually attracted to him anymore (maybe because it’s been too long or maybe because I just haven’t dated anyone other than him in my life) I barely even wanted to haven physical contact with him and it’s starting to create problems in our lifes. I feel bad for having this mindset and feel bad for him too. Is this normal?
Agree with Deloitte 4
This is very sad 😔 marriage takes work and isn’t always perfect but to feel like you “regret it every day” is no way to live. I’ve been married 2 years, living together for 3.5 and together for 4. After the “honeymoon” is over, both people hve to make a choice to commit to working together and loving each other. It isn’t always easy but if the love is truly there it’s worth it. If you’re young and truly feel like you made a mistake, get out now.
Bring God into the marriage.
Just saw your post OP, don’t really go on FB anymore, but from my personal experience (def NOT saying everyone’s is like mine) but I def grew more in love with my husband over time. Married for almost 2 but together for 8 years.