Does anyone have advice on how not to cry when discussing minor conflicts with your manager? I have had some truly terrible management experiences which is where this is coming from but even though my manager now is fine, I find that I’m still crying as a trigger response and it’s super annoying. I don’t want this kind of thing to set me back.

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Before the meeting, try some reassuring affirmations to calm your nervous system down. Depending on the situation, things like “this conflict was out of my control, this conflict does not define my value or work ethic etc” can work. I’m a cryer too (in general) and trying to get to the bottom of why crying is a trigger for you is the ultimate remedy here - which I’d suggest therapy.

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Same!! I’ve also found that I’m much more likely to cry when I’m nearing my period, so don’t rule out hormones as a trigger for you.

I’ve found that once I’m on the verge of crying, it’s really hard to calm myself away from it. Working remote has really helped with managing that, because I just take the meeting off camera and pause what I’m saying when my voice starts to waiver. It still sucks, because I know the other person knows I’m crying, but at least I know they can’t see my face contort when I’m trying/failing to hold the tears back.

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This si do true. I’ve started to push meetings to a week when I’m not on my cycle to try to avoid the extra hormones & emotions

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highly sensitive person here and i feeeeeel this. a mantra like what’s already been suggested helps, reminding yourself it’s not a personal attack on you helps (eg this is about work and not me; i am not my work output etc) and in the moment if you feel your eyes welling up- pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth really helps too ❤️

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I get this sentiment, but I feel if I’m being told there’s an issue, it’s a reflection of my work ethic and abilities which feels so, so personal. Not sure how to step away from that inner narrative.

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My friend had a therapist tell her to scrunch her toes up. Flex them/release and repeat while you’re having the conversation. Something about how it’s supposed to distract your brain.

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Yeah, I was biting my tongue to refocus on pain instead of my emotions.

Ugh, I came on here to look for posts just like this. I had a meeting recently where my boss asked how things were going, and I responded with lots of stuff being really hard in my personal life. Then he went on to talk about how he was frustrated with me about not doing this and that. I was good until the moment I told him I’m doing my best, was working while sick, and didn’t even change out of pjs until 4 pm due to going nonstop. Me realizing my best isn’t good enough is so demoralizing. I had to wrap that one up quickly.

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Thank you so much for your kindness.

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Stub your toe on purpose and then bawl as much as you want while you chat.

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Definitely don't psych yourself out before the meeting that it's about something bad, and try not to let your head get into that worst case scenario mentality before the meeting. Also, I always have a glass of water in front of me and if I feel like my emotions are welling up, I take a long sip of water and a chance to breathe. The drinking water seems to help me a lot. Also anti-anxiety meds. I don't cry anywhere near as often as I used to anymore.

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I'm in Canada so might be different, but yeah basically just made a phone appointment, told her I wanted to get on them so that I'd stop being so anxious all the time. She asked me some questions like how's my sleep, am I also dealing with any depression and then recommended to start on Cipralex because it has the least bad side effects for people and some side effects I may deal with for the first week or so and then after a few months, have another appointment to make sure I don't need to change meds or up my dosage.

Oof I’ve had this problem too and it’s the worst. My perspective on it recently changed because my current manager is amazing and told me that she has even cried to her (very upper-level, male) boss from time to time, which made me a lot less self-conscious about it. Granted, it’s a lot harder if you have a less understanding boss. One thing that’s helped me is to really emphasize to myself that I’m human and make mistakes, and that I’m so much more than my work (or what someone else perceives my work to be). If I’m doing my best, I can’t hold myself to any other standard than that. And if there’s something I can be doing better, then I can take that new information and improve, but I can’t fault myself for not knowing what I didn’t know (or wasn’t told!) before. It seems like the end all and be all when you’re in the heat of the moment in those meetings, but reframing them in my mind to be less earth-shattering and instead just an annoying part of every job has really helped me. Remind yourself that you’re an amazing daughter/friend/sister/mom/aunt etc and so much more than a manager will ever know about you, and at the end of the day work is just something you do to pay the bills. You got this!

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Talk to a therapist about learning to manage your vagal nerve system

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Practice what you are going to say - out loud. Have a friend practice with you - out loud - what the responses might be. It will get better!

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Yoga! Do hot yoga

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