Does anyone have regular flings? How do you keep it discreet? I love my partner but he’s not that into sex and it’s frankly not that great because he’s gained a lot of weight and doesn’t want to change his diet or exercise. I don’t want him to feel bad about his appearance. I love him regardless. But ever since I went on a vacation with friends and ended up having a hot make out session in a bathroom with some guy, I can’t stop thinking about it. I thought I feel guilty but I just want more.

Yes, many men in committed relationships have regular flings. They compartmentalize, they can separate sex and love and often don’t feel guilt. (according to research, but also know this from experience). Men get encouraged/supported by other men, they don’t judge each other like women do…

OP - We feel both the joy and consequences of our actions or inactions. If you want to pursue sex outside your relationship, do it. See if it makes you happier and your relationship stronger - this method works for some people and saved some sexless marriages. There are plenty of ways to be discrete, use Whatsapp, dating apps, work phone, store their name under a girls name, go on business trips etc.

Psychologists say cheating is a symptom of a relationship that is not working, not the cause of a relationship not working. Try to face the issues and take action. Don’t settle, dare to live the life you envisioned for yourself.

Not even going to bother reading through the judgmental posts here…

I did this before I was married; no regrets. I wasn’t able to separate sex from emotion, however, and I always felt so torn. It sucked.

Now that I’m married, I won’t do it again. Our sex life isn’t what I want, but we’ve had lots of conversations and are always working on it. The pandemic helped because I didn’t have any opportunities, and now I just don’t have the need. I’m happiest when I don’t have that noise in my life, and I’ve found a great vibrator!

I have married friends who have had the occasional tryst. I just try not to judge - you don’t know what happens inside of a marriage, and life is long. You just have to be comfortable with yourself, your actions, and how they impact you.

I loved my partner. I cheated on him and didn’t feel guilty and justified it since he wasn’t meeting my emotional needs. In hindsight it was wrong and I should have done the right thing and broken up with him once I realized how I felt.

After spending some time alone, I came to the conclusion that I needed to be with someone who was truly my equal, able to support themself financially, and support me emotionally.

Have you ever considered learning about ENM (ethical non-monogamy)? I’ve been in very healthy ENM relationships before, but it takes constant communication with your primary partner and all parties have to be comfortable or it won’t work. Sometimes it’s open ENM where one or both partners can “play” outside of the relationship, others are more formal and more like people may have a primary and secondary partner or two primary partners. It might be worth reading about in case it strikes a chord with you! If not no biggie, sending best wishes your way!

Have you considered separating with your partner?

Thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m not married. My partner and I don’t have a traditional relationship and he’s mostly reliant on me financially. So while he may be okay with ENM in theory, since he doesn’t really have a sex drive I worry he’s going to view it as a choice he has to make to let me do my thing, and it’s going to create friction where there really isn’t any now. You don’t have to agree with my life choices and I’ll think about it some more.

Just came here to say: good for you for being so resilient to all the shame people here are throwing your way. I don’t agree with your choices (in my relationship, this would be devastating and ruin us) but it’s YOUR relationship and bottom line, you know better than anyone else what may or may not be best for your relationship, your partner, and yourself.

I haven’t explored this personally (see above) but I think it would be important to make sure they’re always one-time things. Otherwise you’ll always be messaging the person (= not discreet) and possibly develop feelings.

There might also be more useful groups of like minded individuals on other online forums.

As a person who has gone through what you are going and cheated due to sheer frustration after 4 years of no physical and emotional intimacy in a 6 year relationship - ignore all the hate posts. Its a treacherous mindframe to be in and I understand. I say this with compassion, its tough but leave. There is nothing positive that can come out of this. Resentment grows exponentially and it eats away inside out daily. Forget about the cheating and focus on what led you to that point.

Sounds like you need to just have a frank conversation with your partner where you openly discus your feelings, cheating on him, etc.

I agree with looking into a form of an open relationship. But you need to bring that up to your partner ASAP. A fling is only a fling if you are uncommitted to someone else, otherwise you’re just describing serial cheating and hiding it.

Just break up with your partner. Don’t do this shit to another human being. It’s just plain wrong. People nowadays try to justify any wrongdoing by saying all kinds of excuses. Wrong is wrong!

Having a sex drive is normal and if your partner cannot match yours, it is okay to separate from them since this is a basic human need and is one of the foundations of a love relationship.

Having said that, please be honest with him and let him know you cannot continue with him, because if you want to cheat on him, you definitely don’t love him.. it’s your feeling of guilt that is making you think you love him so that you can feel better about yourself - “ so what if I cheated..I love him and won’t leave him” - so understand this BS and spare both of you the pain and suffering your actions might cause …

If a guy was posting this ... we'd call him a pig. Which you are! Get counseling! Or let your partner move on!

I’ve been here OP in my early dating life. Looking back, I did not respect the boyfriend that I did this to. As much as I thought at the time that I loved him, I did not consider him my equal and was resenting that I was ambitious, driven and adventurous while he was stable and boring (older than me). When I found my right person, nobody else was of any interest to me.

Not saying it’s your case - people are different. Just look into what this means and don’t settle. We only live once - be honest with yourself. Good luck Op!

I don’t have empathy for you. Men regularly do the same and follow the same logic with women. You could have a conversation with your partner, even support him in his fitness journey.

You should leave the relationship or look for an open relationship.

OP I was married for 15 years to a man without a libido. We went sexless for a decade and I did backbends trying to get some from him. I never did cheat but omg I wanted to. Mostly I was afraid that if I found that satisfaction with someone else, I’d probably wind up with the feels. I loved my now-ex and still think of him as a very close friend. But I divorced him. I’m so glad I did! We both went on to have way more healthy and fulfilling relationships.

No judgement for you. I get where you’re at. I just hope you get all the happiness you can without compromise. And that right there is the tricky part.

You don’t seem like you’re monogamous, and it’s unfair to your partner unless he knows about it and agrees to it.

I’d like the idea of ENM as someone suggested if that’s possible. I cheated a lot in my past life…and I’d be lying if I said I don’t wonder if the grass is greener or how it’d be to have a few hookups on the side while still being with my partner now. When I had hookups on the side, I’d just tell my partner I was at my friend’s house or I’d be busy with work trips, changed peoples names in my phone to someone else, etc. It wasn’t too hard to be discreet considering I did work a lot at the time so it seemed realistic. Eventually I just broke it off with my partner bc I realized it was more trouble than it was worth, and I wanted to be single

From experience it is never worth it. Its short gain with long term pain. I am speaking from experience. Part of what caused my divorce. I am fortunate as my SO never gave up on me and while we aren’t married now we are together. This year would have been 20 years married. We have been together for 22 years. I am not judging you. I understand even if I don’t know the why. For me, I almost lost everything. The fling I had was with a friend and that fling killed that friendship. So so not worth it. So much more rewarding to work things out and continue to build a life story. A life story with someone is far greater then just a love story. A life story is real love, the ability to choose and be faithful to someone daily. Its not easy but worth it.

I’m starting to think this bowl is getting majorly trolled on a weekly basis. First the “billionaire” dilemma, and now this? Again, I ask… is this for real?