{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Does anyone have regular flings? How do you keep it discreet? I love my partner but he’s not that into sex and it’s frankly not that great because he’s gained a lot of weight and doesn’t want to change his diet or exercise. I don’t want him to feel bad about his appearance. I love him regardless. But ever since I went on a vacation with friends and ended up having a hot make out session in a bathroom with some guy, I can’t stop thinking about it. I thought I feel guilty but I just want more.", "post_id": "6282988b378f13002a6b87e9", "reply_count": 181, "vote_count": 26, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Does anyone have regular flings? How do you keep it discreet? I love my partner but he’s not that into sex and it’s frankly not that great because he’s gained a lot of weight and doesn’t want to change his diet or exercise. I don’t want him to feel bad about his appearance. I love him regardless. But ever since I went on a vacation with friends and ended up having a hot make out session in a bathroom with some guy, I can’t stop thinking about it. I thought I feel guilty but I just want more.

likefunnyupliftinghelpful
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Yes, many men in committed relationships have regular flings. They compartmentalize, they can separate sex and love and often don’t feel guilt. (according to research, but also know this from experience). Men get encouraged/supported by other men, they don’t judge each other like women do…

OP - We feel both the joy and consequences of our actions or inactions. If you want to pursue sex outside your relationship, do it. See if it makes you happier and your relationship stronger - this method works for some people and saved some sexless marriages. There are plenty of ways to be discrete, use Whatsapp, dating apps, work phone, store their name under a girls name, go on business trips etc.

Psychologists say cheating is a symptom of a relationship that is not working, not the cause of a relationship not working. Try to face the issues and take action. Don’t settle, dare to live the life you envisioned for yourself.

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Not even going to bother reading through the judgmental posts here…

I did this before I was married; no regrets. I wasn’t able to separate sex from emotion, however, and I always felt so torn. It sucked.

Now that I’m married, I won’t do it again. Our sex life isn’t what I want, but we’ve had lots of conversations and are always working on it. The pandemic helped because I didn’t have any opportunities, and now I just don’t have the need. I’m happiest when I don’t have that noise in my life, and I’ve found a great vibrator!

I have married friends who have had the occasional tryst. I just try not to judge - you don’t know what happens inside of a marriage, and life is long. You just have to be comfortable with yourself, your actions, and how they impact you.

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OP has outright said they aren’t ashamed about it at all. They are ok with it.

Recent IconRecent

I loved my partner. I cheated on him and didn’t feel guilty and justified it since he wasn’t meeting my emotional needs. In hindsight it was wrong and I should have done the right thing and broken up with him once I realized how I felt.

After spending some time alone, I came to the conclusion that I needed to be with someone who was truly my equal, able to support themself financially, and support me emotionally.

likesmart

VP1 some men don’t cheat. Some just rob you of all intimacy and ignore your needs until you feel crazy for having them. Those are the ones that are also unhappy but too weak to do anything about it, so they look the other way and let their partner do all the heavy lifting.

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Have you ever considered learning about ENM (ethical non-monogamy)? I’ve been in very healthy ENM relationships before, but it takes constant communication with your primary partner and all parties have to be comfortable or it won’t work. Sometimes it’s open ENM where one or both partners can “play” outside of the relationship, others are more formal and more like people may have a primary and secondary partner or two primary partners. It might be worth reading about in case it strikes a chord with you! If not no biggie, sending best wishes your way!

likehelpful

Listen to Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast he’s got a podcast and talks a lot about ethical non monogamy. Last thing you want to do is make him a PUD (poly under duress) or just flat out lie to them. Not everyone’s bag but it’s based on open communication and agreeing on what’s ok and what’s not ok. Also talks about people who do it and those who have a don’t ask don’t tell policy.

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Have you considered separating with your partner?

likesmart

I bring that up because you want to keep this discrete. Which gives me the impression he might not be open to either of you entertaining flings/other people. If that is the case, separating will cause the least damage IMO. but if he is open, then I guess you can have your cake and his cake and eat them both.

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Thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m not married. My partner and I don’t have a traditional relationship and he’s mostly reliant on me financially. So while he may be okay with ENM in theory, since he doesn’t really have a sex drive I worry he’s going to view it as a choice he has to make to let me do my thing, and it’s going to create friction where there really isn’t any now. You don’t have to agree with my life choices and I’ll think about it some more.

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We have a very affectionate relationship (lots of cuddling, hugging, kissing) and are emotionally supportive toward each other. He takes care of me and shows he loves me in every day ways. He brings me food because I forget to eat when I’m working, makes sure I have gas in my car, cheerleads my career and personal aspirations. I try to give him stability because he had a really shitty childhood and we both help with each other’s kids who are early 20s. He probably leans asexual, so pushing him for sex is just not something I’m going to do, and as I’ve said I worry the ENM won’t really be truly freely given permission because he wants to retire and will feel stuck or resentful, but the relationship is romantic and he is a life partner. Neither of us wanted to get married. This thread has given me lots to think about but everyone should really stop equating romantic relationships and sex

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Just came here to say: good for you for being so resilient to all the shame people here are throwing your way. I don’t agree with your choices (in my relationship, this would be devastating and ruin us) but it’s YOUR relationship and bottom line, you know better than anyone else what may or may not be best for your relationship, your partner, and yourself.

I haven’t explored this personally (see above) but I think it would be important to make sure they’re always one-time things. Otherwise you’ll always be messaging the person (= not discreet) and possibly develop feelings.

There might also be more useful groups of like minded individuals on other online forums.

likefunny

Sad! Really really sad!!! I would suggest counseling!

funny

As a person who has gone through what you are going and cheated due to sheer frustration after 4 years of no physical and emotional intimacy in a 6 year relationship - ignore all the hate posts. Its a treacherous mindframe to be in and I understand. I say this with compassion, its tough but leave. There is nothing positive that can come out of this. Resentment grows exponentially and it eats away inside out daily. Forget about the cheating and focus on what led you to that point.

likehelpful

If could pay myself as a consultant to make my problems go away in a seemingly efficient and path of least resistance manner ..that is the obvious choice. Humans are complicated and being g overly judgemental is a problem in itself

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You’re about to get shamed for this.

Also, Feeld.

likefunny

Have you asked yourself why you don’t feel ashamed? Aren’t you a little concerned that you financially support a man (who you are not married to) with no sex drive and can cheat on him (or plan to cheat on him) with no shame? Why are you okay with the bigger picture? Maybe you should spend some time reflecting on what you get from this situation because your lack of shame (or guilt) seems to imply an absence of empathy and/or lack of integrity - as does your willingness to deceive your partner in order to avoid “friction”. Have you considered the friction that would result if he found out you are cheating on him? Are you sure his lack of sexual desire isn’t driven by him cheating on you? Wouldn’t that be ironic….

Sounds like you need to just have a frank conversation with your partner where you openly discus your feelings, cheating on him, etc.

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To expand a bit on this OP: you will sleep better at night even if things end. Knowing that, no matter what, you were promptly honest goes a long way.

Let's level set expectations on the reality here:
- His trust in you will absolutely be demolished, and he will not be in the wrong for feeling like he cannot trust you; that trust may never fully be reestablished.
- Kissing a stranger is still cheating but let's not pretend there's not levels of severity to cheating; there's some salvageability here.
- Honest communication, *especially* about being unfaithful, has to happen immediately; you have to tell him, today.

There's a very real world where this shakes him loose enough to get his act together. He probably should see a therapist too based on what you said - guy sounds depressed and is stuck in an internalized shame spiral about his appearance. You also should see someone; this isn't uncommon but that doesn't make it any less of a bomb on a relationship.

This can be an incredible growth opportunity, both fir you and the relationship, depending on what you do next. Continued cheating, however, is not a viable option.

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I agree with looking into a form of an open relationship. But you need to bring that up to your partner ASAP. A fling is only a fling if you are uncommitted to someone else, otherwise you’re just describing serial cheating and hiding it.

like

Just break up with your partner. Don’t do this shit to another human being. It’s just plain wrong. People nowadays try to justify any wrongdoing by saying all kinds of excuses. Wrong is wrong!

likesmart

Right?! It’s mind bugling to me how human brain can twist reality and make excuses for bad behavior and feed it back to itself!
When you think about it, probably how criminals justify what they do and go to bed at night.

like

Having a sex drive is normal and if your partner cannot match yours, it is okay to separate from them since this is a basic human need and is one of the foundations of a love relationship.

Having said that, please be honest with him and let him know you cannot continue with him, because if you want to cheat on him, you definitely don’t love him.. it’s your feeling of guilt that is making you think you love him so that you can feel better about yourself - “ so what if I cheated..I love him and won’t leave him” - so understand this BS and spare both of you the pain and suffering your actions might cause …

likefunny

If a guy was posting this ... we'd call him a pig. Which you are! Get counseling! Or let your partner move on!

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Bye, now.

I’ve been here OP in my early dating life. Looking back, I did not respect the boyfriend that I did this to. As much as I thought at the time that I loved him, I did not consider him my equal and was resenting that I was ambitious, driven and adventurous while he was stable and boring (older than me). When I found my right person, nobody else was of any interest to me.

Not saying it’s your case - people are different. Just look into what this means and don’t settle. We only live once - be honest with yourself. Good luck Op!

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I don’t have empathy for you. Men regularly do the same and follow the same logic with women. You could have a conversation with your partner, even support him in his fitness journey.

You should leave the relationship or look for an open relationship.

like

OP I was married for 15 years to a man without a libido. We went sexless for a decade and I did backbends trying to get some from him. I never did cheat but omg I wanted to. Mostly I was afraid that if I found that satisfaction with someone else, I’d probably wind up with the feels. I loved my now-ex and still think of him as a very close friend. But I divorced him. I’m so glad I did! We both went on to have way more healthy and fulfilling relationships.

No judgement for you. I get where you’re at. I just hope you get all the happiness you can without compromise. And that right there is the tricky part.

like

You don’t seem like you’re monogamous, and it’s unfair to your partner unless he knows about it and agrees to it.

like

I’d like the idea of ENM as someone suggested if that’s possible. I cheated a lot in my past life…and I’d be lying if I said I don’t wonder if the grass is greener or how it’d be to have a few hookups on the side while still being with my partner now. When I had hookups on the side, I’d just tell my partner I was at my friend’s house or I’d be busy with work trips, changed peoples names in my phone to someone else, etc. It wasn’t too hard to be discreet considering I did work a lot at the time so it seemed realistic. Eventually I just broke it off with my partner bc I realized it was more trouble than it was worth, and I wanted to be single

like

From experience it is never worth it. Its short gain with long term pain. I am speaking from experience. Part of what caused my divorce. I am fortunate as my SO never gave up on me and while we aren’t married now we are together. This year would have been 20 years married. We have been together for 22 years. I am not judging you. I understand even if I don’t know the why. For me, I almost lost everything. The fling I had was with a friend and that fling killed that friendship. So so not worth it. So much more rewarding to work things out and continue to build a life story. A life story with someone is far greater then just a love story. A life story is real love, the ability to choose and be faithful to someone daily. Its not easy but worth it.

likehelpful

Well said. Thx for your vulnerability here.

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I’m starting to think this bowl is getting majorly trolled on a weekly basis. First the “billionaire” dilemma, and now this? Again, I ask… is this for real?

funnylike

👀

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