{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Does anyone have trouble getting their SO to be more cleanly? My SO and I moved in together 1 ur ago and I feel like I’m constantly reminding him to do certain chores or pick up I after himself. I’m nice about it but it’s exhausting and a lot of the time he gets defensive or annoyed when I ask. \n\nI don’t have high expectations, just doing dishes as they pile and not pleasing clothes on the floor, putting dishes in the sick when you’re done etc. \n\nAnyone else had this problem?", "post_id": "60edb4962777a4001c096a99", "reply_count": 17, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "58f8171d753e990016608c07", "bowl_name": "Women in Tech" }

Does anyone have trouble getting their SO to be more cleanly? My SO and I moved in together 1 ur ago and I feel like I’m constantly reminding him to do certain chores or pick up I after himself. I’m nice about it but it’s exhausting and a lot of the time he gets defensive or annoyed when I ask. I don’t have high expectations, just doing dishes as they pile and not pleasing clothes on the floor, putting dishes in the sick when you’re done etc. Anyone else had this problem?

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Hahhahaha YES. There is a paragraph in the book "invisible women" that discusses how deep the bias of cleaning is... My SO's response is always "just tell me what to do and I will do it" which just reinforces that chores are my problem, not his 🤦. Plus, whenever he does do chores he doesn't do them to the same quality as I would... Vaccuming around things rather than moving them, spot cleaning rather than everything etc. Ah, life...

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I feel the quality piece, his idea of clean is a different level. However we are both messy people. Not dirty, clutter, we are busy with good intentions of taking care of it later … my personal backlog of sorting and organizing suggests I should add more resources to keep up. 😆

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I hate to say it, but I'm messy like your SO. I just absolutely hate cleaning and am one of those people who has an office that looks like a tornado hit it but I know where absolutely everything is. The compromise we came to in my house is that when my SO cleans or if something being left out bothers him, he just puts it on my desk. That way if the amount of stuff on my desk bothers me I'm incentivized to clean it up but if not he doesn't have to look at it. As far as dishes and chores go, I'd be lying if he said he hasn't gone on cleaning strike a few times to get me to remember to wash my dishes lol.

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I have heard of this with another couple and it totally worked for them. My wife feels like this is a sort of passive poke at her even if it was a mutual agreement, so it wouldn't work for us as well, but depending on how his personality is and how he responds to things, it could definitely be a strategy you might want to try.

Hire a house cleaner that he pays for? Honestly don’t know what what the solution is. Don’t mean to be cheeky with the suggestion, just offering a possibility that was better for everyone’s peace of mind when I lived with roommates.

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I totally know what you mean! Maybe he’s just one of those people who need to see the $ amount to realize the actual value that his partner is providing.

Yes 12 yrs ago when I moved in with my husband then fiancee. It took a bit for him do notice. Speaking about it was always an issue. Now I leave his stuff around and try not to let it bother me. If I'm picking up I either throw it in the laundry or throw it out or put it in his junk draw. After yrs he has gotten better. Hang in there.

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I had to let it go. I sometimes bring it up as a thing that makes me feel like she doesn't care about me since she knows that I don't like it, so there's still honesty there and she tries to come towards me because of that. I realized it's part of the cost of admission of being with her and I will just drive myself insane if I try to maintain what I want entirely. When I became willing to realize that in reality I had the decision between moving out or accepting how she was (and OBVIOUSLY chose the latter) she started to come towards me.

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If you solve this problem I will pay untold money to hear the answer. Toxic masculinity taught my husband to never notice chores that need to be done. He lives life unbothered by it. All judgment from others of course is directed at me even though I work (and in fact out-earn him).

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That was actually something that wore on me with my now ex. That expectation that I was the one who should take on more of the household tasks even though I had just as much, if not more going on, than he did. In my case, it was finding dirty clothes in some of the most random places. I mean, I don't recall him ever wandering through the house while getting changed, and yet that's what it looked like. It did improve with timw, but that he still expected that of me just felt physically and emotionally draining. I now have someone in my life who I'm more on the same level with when it comes to cleaning expectations. Everything feels so much more natural with him and I feel more supported in a lot of ways. I'm not going to claim it's all about how many dishes are in the sink, but for me, I feel like that does say something about how much they are willing to put into life, including relationships, and I don't ever want to be the one carrying all the weight again.

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Honestly if this is a long term relationship, just hire a house cleaner once every 1-2 weeks. If it’s a problem that could either sour a relationship or you can throw money at to solve, always choose the money. Very few relationship problems can be solved this way so if this is the only problem you have, you’re very lucky.

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I’m having the same issue. Though we both contribute to the mess. We both have ADHD which makes things very hard. I got upset when he said it wouldn’t help him if we got a house cleaner when I suggested it. It felt like he doesn’t understand the burden it’s putting on me. I try to keep my laundry separate now and I ask him to do some of the dishes. I hate having to ask. It’s getting to the point where I’m considering leaving the relationship. You have to practice self care, not try to do all of the chores, and let your SO know that it’s bothering you.

Lol it wouldn’t help HIM to hire a cleaner!

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