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Rising Star
Being nice and likable doesn’t mean you are a pushover and can’t stand up for yourself and your team. The important part is learning when to be firm in a constructive way.
I think likable and nice are two different things at work. I worked in a corporate role for several years and had a coworker in a similar role. I would say that he was more likable and I was nicer. It worked out better for him than me. I did things for people to be “nice” and because I was afraid to say no. The things that I was doing that were technically above and beyond my responsibilities because the standard expectation and when I had to start saying no it certainly didn’t make people like me. People didn’t appreciate that I was doing a task for them for years that they should have been doing all along, they only saw it as them having to do extra work.
My friend on the other hand was likable but didn’t go out of his way to be nice. He stuck to his core responsibilities, when he said no he said it in a very charming and polite way, but this allowed him to put more focus on his core responsibilities and people liked him even more for doing what he was supposed to do so well.
Your description of your second friend summed up what I was going to say. Great approach!
No. I find that being likable is actually critical to advancement, definitely not a hinderance.
I posted before OP's follow up.
Pro
It’s my inherent personality and I worry that as I grow and become more senior it’ll lead to being taken advantage of.
Yes. People tend to take you less seriously and second question your knowledge and experience.
Rising Star
There’s a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You have to be agreeable and positive. You also have to set boundaries, say no, and focus on the people who will help you advance as opposed to treating every request equally.
This is all in the definition. Can you be more specific with how you define these terms? For one, nice is not the same as likable.
Too likable being harmful? No. Being liked never hurts. Note that being liked doesn't mean "not respected" or something else. If by likable, you mean you agree with everyone else all the time, then that could cause you to be viewed as a pushover with little to contribute.
Too nice? Again, depends how you define that. If by nice, you mean you sign up for a ton of extra work that could/should be done by others, then that means you could be taken advantage of by lazy coworkers or bosses who want you to work more with no reward.
If you define terms differently, you can get different answers.
In no world is being kind and likable a bad thing. I don’t subscribe to the whole “cold and detached but competent asshole” trope.
Genuinely empathetic people can garner more social capital than many people can only hope to achieve. And as another commenter already said, being nice doesn’t have to mean you are a pushover.
Be warm, but have a thin line of steel within you.
Well said m’lord
Chief
My experience:
Pros: you make people feel good which affords you more opportunity, lenience, and favorability. Charisma goes a long way towards your goals
Cons: people take your kindness for weakness. They have no problem trampling you and stealing your work because there’s an assumption you don’t mind. People who are takers will take everything from a giver and assume it’s the way it’s supposed to be
Chief
Folks who (mis)interpret kindness as weakness are often easy to deal with because they’re terrified.
Yes.
Personal viewpoint but most leaders I have dealt with have some qualities of an ass$&%#. They are not nice and don’t care about being liked and will go to any extent to get what they want. Sometimes even actively laying out plans to screw people they work with. Horrible to staff and esp. horrible to their peers (who they are potentially competing with)
Wanting to be liked automatically creates impediments for you;
- you don’t do things you should / may have to cause you’re worried someone may not like you
- you go the extra mile to continue being liked
- etc.
Nice and likable - no
But adding the “too” implies it’s to a self-destructive degree, perhaps of not being able to say no?
Totally fine and awesome to be nice and likable, just don’t want people to trample over your boundaries. But you can be nice, liked, and maintain boundaries 💪🏼
Pro
I’m in the life science industry and I look at success as what kind of personal relationships I have at work. There’s less pressure for up n out, utilization etc so I just think of people, friendship, helping out as my personal metrics. I earn 250k so I feel I have the luxury to maximize my peace of mind n joy than chase another 30k for a vanguard fund.
Count me in here
Chief
In my experience... You can be too nice in consulting, but too nice in industry wasn't a negative unless it came off as fake.
Rising Star
There is a difference between being nice and being a pushover. I’m not a jerk but I’ll push back on clients colleagues and coworkers when needed. Like ability depends on your status and role and well your appearance and mannerisms. If you are a lower status position in the room getting angry is unbecoming and reduces your credibility if your the highest status person in the room it improves it.
Read Confidence by Jack Nasher for more detailed research on the topic.
Yes, I’m way too likable, I feel like everyone hates me for it
Rising Star
Depends
Yes majorly.
Yea if youre a pushover. Folks will always unload their crappy assignments on you because youre agreeable and reliable.
Rising Star
It depends on situations and context. Read the book “Nice girls don’t get the corner office”. I learned a lot from it.