{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "due end of Jan. I’m starting to get those mood swings I had in 1st trimester and starting to be tired, and short temper at times. MIL is coming 10 days before baby is due to help for 4 mons.. cont", "post_id": "5dd40436399146001ac71acd", "reply_count": 11, "vote_count": 1, "bowl_id": "58f81646ae9f610010f869be", "bowl_name": "Consulting Moms" }

due end of Jan. I’m starting to get those mood swings I had in 1st trimester and starting to be tired, and short temper at times. MIL is coming 10 days before baby is due to help for 4 mons.. cont

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I’m due in feb and my MIL is already getting on my nerves from another state. She will inevitably come visit when the baby is born but my husband and I are working on setting some ground rules for both sets of parents. I would suggest talking with you SO about the tasks you will want her to help with. Defining them from the start will help (I think/is my plan). If it’s cooking, provide recipes and grocery lists. If it’s laundry and cleaning, specify the tasks. Etc. 4 months is a really long time so also fee free to kick her out before then if it’s not working or causing you more stress than the extra set of hands is worth. I honestly think I would die if my MIL stayed with me for 4 months 😖

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4 months is way too long. I had my mom come to stay for a week and my MIL for the second week. After that my husband and I could handle. I slept when the baby slept and did not do much housework or additional activities the first two months. I went out on one walk per day during one of the baby’s naps in the stroller. Other than that just lots of Netflix while constantly nursing. This was my life for the first 2-3 months. Sounds a bit boring, but way better than having my family in my business. It’s doable on your own with husband, especially with our extended leave and delivery services like Instacart, door dash and amazon. I personally would not have wanted my entire leave with my baby taken up with my MIL overshadowing. Another tip is to cook some meals beforehand and freeze them. Make lactation cookies ahead of time. After the first couple of weeks you might fine that you can handle it on your own, so maybe change your messaging to her that you’ll reevaluate the situation after 2-4 weeks.

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Yeah, agree with all the above. I would have gone crazy with my MIL around for so long. Keep in mind you are super vulnerable the first few weeks- you’re tired, your vag is sore, you’re figuring out how to breastfeed (your boobies will be out all the time!), and you’re still getting used to the baby. I really needed a space to be just figure things out on my own, and I would not have felt comfortable with my MIL there. My mom on the other hand- we have a close relationship and it was fabulous to have her there, mostly to take care of me! Can you trim down the time she’s coming? Why does she want to come so long?

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I had exact similar situation, while it worked fine for first 2-3 months. I noticed she tried to do everything her way which I was expecting she will want and was prepared to let go and did! But she started overdoing things as if she was on a vacation in my house and started making decisions and controlling schedules to suit her without being considerate of us. Slowly it stopped being about me and baby and more about her and what she would like/enjoy. Again, I appreciate the help but in my situation she went ahead and tried to take control and expect stuff from us way beyond the boundaries. Be careful about this! My and my husbands relationship with her is ruined and will never be the same again. But that is just my MIL and she has always been super self centered so we had a sense she is capable of this just trusted she would not use our situation so opportunistically. Anyways, it was good to find out that we cannot rely on her for unconditional support and that relationship is not something we continue to invest in. State the boundaries well in advance as soon as you realize you need a boundary state it clearly. Because somethings you will only figure out when you go through them and you don’t know what you don’t know and having a baby is a major shift in our lives. DM me in case you want to talk.

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Agree with above, not much help really needed in first few weeks. If you have your hubby around, you will be fine. I honestly think it builds your confidence as a parent.

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I mean, you CAN do it on your own, but most likely you will be glad to have someone who can hold the baby for a few hours so you can get nap / shower / take a break. I had my mom stay for 3 months and although she kind of drove me crazy in the beginning with her unsolicited advice, it was definitely worth the having the extra help. Think of it this way, 4 months is an incredibly generous amount of time that she is offering help, set some rules ahead of time and be gentle but firm if she oversteps. Get your husband on the same page so he can intervene as necessary. If she offers advice, tell her thanks but the guidelines have changed these days / you are following the pediatrician’s directions / it’s your baby and your turn to be the mom. Suggest that she take a grandparenting class (similar to new parenting class), the no. 1 takeaway they teach is, “it is not your baby” 😂 There is a saying in Chinese culture that the relationship between wives and MILs is the most difficult thing, and I totally get it now that I’m a mom. My MIL is a smother-er and I have to grit my teeth or roll my eyes behind her back, but I know she comes from a good place. Whenever I react unkindly I always regret it later. If you find yourself about to snap, take a deep breath and leave the room. Anyway, don’t overthink it before you need to - enjoy these last couple months! - and keep the serenity prayer in mind.

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While the relationship is fine between us, I feel like I just like my space / do things my way and don’t like nagging/ someone always butting in. I’m driving my self crazy thinking about what she might interject in or say, and coming up with responses in my head. I will certainly appreciate the help, and everyone keeps telling me how amazing that will be for me but nothing is free so I’m sure she’ll be expecting to put her input and giving her opinions . While I’m sure I’ll be too tired to react or may overreact. Any tips or suggestions on how to handle this?

Thanks everyone. From a culture POV we’re Indian and staying that’s long is very common. I’m not the close to my own mother plus I think my MIL will probably be more helpful as my mother isn’t the one to take initiative and isn’t that found of doing house work. I’ve been very clear with her and i very gently keep feeding her that here things are different and I’ll appreciate the help however she needs to remember the reason she’s coming is to take care other things than the baby. She’s listening well but I’m sure there will be moments. My husband is on the same page so even if he doesn’t I have no issue addressing the overstepping firmly. Im hoping we don’t end up resenting each other 😂 it wouldn’t effect me but I’m sure it’ll bug my husband

Yup Indian here so get where you are coming from and dynamics. Omg I had the same thing with my mom not being a leader and my MIL just so complicated!!!

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You can use her help as a night nanny. If she can take every other night with the baby, it will be a tremendous help to you. Also,a lot will depend on your husband's relationship with his mother. If he is intimidated by her then he'll cave and will let you deal with all the issues.

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