Ever had a manager that dislikes you enough to complain about everything you do or don’t to the Director or Partner of the team, yet be fake and act “nice” to you? No matter how well you perform, they find things to pick at, go behind your back and complain.

This is where non-emotional, polite confrontation comes into play. Catch your manager off guard by saying one day, while you’re alone. Can we discuss your dislike for working with me? I’ve been finding that there’s a lack of transparency between our direct communications and the feedback you’re giving about me to others. I’d like to open the line of communication between us a bit more so we can correct the disconnect that I’m noticing. That way we can both improve our working experience together.

They’re probably going to be thrown off big time by this and are either going to lie to your face or they’re going to go over all their issues with you. If they go over all their issues with you, the goal is to demo your acceptance to work with them. So listen intently, repeat back to them their concerns, and work to actually address. You might actually be able to rehab the relationship if this happens, plus demo that you have balls of steel in terms of conflict management.

If they lie to your face, you can just look at them quizzically, and say I think the fact that we’re on such drastically different pages in this conversation demonstrates the disconnect I’m referring too. Then you go to your desk and you email them a recap of the conversation, requesting that they evaluate and get back to you with ways to improve the working relationship.

That’s how you cover your ass, and show to everyone that may peak into the situation that you were the better bigger person. If they lie, and don’t respond to your email. I’d go to HR with the email demoing your approach as an honest effort to repair the working relationship along with another request to be moved off their projects.

Genuine question- I have a low performing associate who I have given very direct feedback to, but will end up going on a pip due to lack of improvement and I’ve talked to the director regarding it. I obviously am kind to her as a professional. My question being, what is the difference between being “fake” and just being polite in your eyes?

You should leave that team as fast as possible. No reason to deal with that kind of abuse

People usually project. They're probably not the best performer and setting you up as a scapegoat. Gotta love office politics.

Yes, had a manager AND a fellow senior do this to me. I am leaving the firm soon

Do you die an associate and go to industry, or live long enough to see yourself become the Ahole manager?

I have heard similar complaints from the ex P-dub folks. Come over to a better culture

Yes, it was rough. Then I left, and things improved immediately.

Yes, and I had no idea. Looking back, they deserve an academy award for their performance.

I have a partner like this

I recently had this happen. It was the first time in my 25+ year career. It created a very toxic work environment as I was aware something was going on behind my back but they were sweet as could be to me. It is poor character on the behalf of the other person. Eventually I was "downsized" which was a silver lining as it has helped me put into perspective what I am willing to tolerate in the future.
While I wish the other person no ill will, I know that they will eventually be their own worst enemy. The facade they have will wear thin when confronted by others with moral character.