{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Ever since we had our first child, I have come to realize that I’ve been in an abusive relationship. She verbally abuses me and there were also times where I was physically hurt. Her reactions and emotions are so extreme, she estranged me several times and for several months for the smallest disagreements. I’m thinking to file for a divorce but really feel like giving it sometime to heal over the damage first and then figure out the logistics.", "post_id": "61e560769a52bd00346ea3c7", "reply_count": 32, "vote_count": 7, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting", "feed_type": "crowd" }

Ever since we had our first child, I have come to realize that I’ve been in an abusive relationship. She verbally abuses me and there were also times where I was physically hurt. Her reactions and emotions are so extreme, she estranged me several times and for several months for the smallest disagreements. I’m thinking to file for a divorce but really feel like giving it sometime to heal over the damage first and then figure out the logistics.

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How long since your child was born? Reason this is important is women tend to undergo post partum depression and her anger / aggression might be depression related and probably reactionary to your handling of her depression symptoms (only speculating from my own experience). Another thing I find interesting is your mention of “since our first child” which seem to indicate your relationship was generally healthy before the child. I would suggest couple’s therapy if you haven’t tried it already. A child in the mix can strain your relationship and perhaps a counselor intervention might help both of you to understand other’s view. The physical abuse is a significant concern and better be dealt with a firm conversation about boundaries

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Just a little over 2 years. That is true, our relationship was just fine for about 2.5 years before the child was born.

Some general points: Working from home and spending too much time with SO could create conflicts/ pressure etc. Taking care of a toddler while you work from home is challenging. You can come up with a plan on how to split tasks with the toddler such as who takes care of giving a bath and putting the baby to sleep and what days.. There are cases where couples fight a lot on very few topics. If you can identify those common threads ending up in conflicts, you can minimize the number of fights. ( if you make a conscious effort to stay away from discussing those topics ) Finally everyone wants to feel appreciated. Appreciating your SO for what they do goes a long way. Therapy could do magic.

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Abusive relationships can not be tolerated in any way. Depends were you are, you may have an impossible legal battle. Get in touch with a lawyer ASAP, get as many proofs as possible (record her phisically attacking you) and sue her, get the child custody, and run from that mad person. She WILL fake agressions from your side, get ready for it. This topic is too often overlooked.

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100%

I am sure you have tried to understand her side of the story. I cannot imagine what you are going through but whatever you decide do think from your kids perspective. All the best mate!

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Have you checked if these are symptoms of postpartum depression? If so, then it needs treatment and time to heal but things get better few months after delivery

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Agree. No one should need to tolerate abuse but just from what you have written it sounds like she has developed mental illness or a personality disorder. Is it possible to ask your wife if she is willing to get professional help during a calm moment? Very difficult situation. Feel for you.

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The sooner you leave, the sooner the wave of relief will come (for both you and your kid, and probably her). The longer you stay the more you normalize both of your behaviors and the more fodder you give her to use against you when the time comes. Rip the bandaid off friend.

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100% agree

EY1 - she left the house for about 40 minutes after the argument. I didn’t stop her then because I thought she would spend some time by herself to cool off. She got back home huffing and puffing, picked my child abruptly while he is asleep and was about to dip. I stood by the door so that she could tell me where is she going.. that’s when she called the cops. Calling the cops left me scarred because we could have dealt with it as grown adults, the embarrassment wasn’t needed.

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Embarrassing because I have respectable neighbors with families and children. Cops showing up doesn’t put you in a great spot with your neighbors. My take was that it could have been dealt in a more civil manner…

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You need to separate, maybe temporarily or maybe not. But as soon as cops are being involved, there's no way this is going to turn out well for you. Consult a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to understand how to vacate the house without potentially giving up your claim to the property. Involving cops is not normal. Whether it is your fault or her fault, do a favor for your family and give each other space. You don't need your kid having ingrained memories of police and thinking that's "normal." I am suggesting renting an apartment 5-10 mins away or staying with friends/family nearby for 1-3 months and hit up therapy hard to see if you can reconcile.

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That’s what I feel. I’m in no state of mind to make any big decisions right now. Hopefully this distance and time gives more clarity for the going forwards..

Is she suffering from postpartum depression (baby blues)? She needs help with milestone changes in her life: new baby, global pandemic, anxiety(?), a husband who's not much of a help and thinking of leaving her and the new baby, etc.

helpful

The separation as of now has allowed peace to prevail between me and her. I want to use this time to really reflect on what’s best for all of us. These events are compelling me to think in the direction that’s most beneficial for the family.. my therapist did mention that she may be going through some chemical imbalances with her brain but how do I get her onboard to get her checked and seek help.

It’s been going on but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she ended up calling the cops. This was just another heated argument where she picked my son abruptly and was leaving the house, I stood by the door and asked to let me know where was she about to take off and that’s when she took her phone out and called the cops on me. Thankfully she didn’t say anything crazy. Apparently all she wanted was to be escorted out of the house and avoid anything ugly. But I feel this was just another stunt from her to control me and mentally torture me. If she would have told me where she was going then I wouldn’t have ever tried to block her way. I feel with the cops being called, I can never ever trust her, given the history of abuse. It ain’t easy being all alone navigating through the unknown in the absence of my family. I hope this time helps the both of us to finally part our ways peacefully…

This context raises a lot of questions. She wanted to avoid anything ugly - like what? Why did you block the door when she was removing herself from a heated situation?

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Are you and your child safe? Noting you mention the changes are post birth, please do what you can to get her medical attention. Postpartum depression can manifest in different ways

Thankfully we are all safe. After the cops left, she drove away in my car with my child waving me good bye with her hand and went to her parents house who live 280 miles away, that’s where she usually goes every time she estranges me.

My son is 2 year old so by now she should have been over the post birth depressions.

There isn’t a magic time limit of when postpartum goes away. For some it will go away naturally but others need treatment.

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Instances like these are why I never want to get married

There are many instances of happily married couples too.

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Looks like calling. Cops was a trigger for you. She did it because you were blocking. Looks like your ego is hurt big time. Please consult a therapist.

IBM - I don’t think so it has to do with ego, all I wanted to know was where is she going away with the baby in that angry state. I felt the need to know because he is my baby as much he is hers.

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