{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Every night and every weekend my husband asks \"What are we doing today?\" When I ask for input on what he wants or what he's in the mood for he always responds \"whatever you want\". He never makes a suggestion or offers any input, pressuring me to just make the decision. Half the time he's fine with the plan and half the time he gets sullen, distant and disengaged and grumbles about how bored he is. I feel like a FT activity coordinator for an ungrateful teenager. Any advice on handling this?", "post_id": "5f4401eafd9d1f002101141b", "reply_count": 22, "vote_count": 11, "bowl_id": "5976222cab932800101a9ca4", "bowl_name": "Women in Advertising", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Every night and every weekend my husband asks "What are we doing today?" When I ask for input on what he wants or what he's in the mood for he always responds "whatever you want". He never makes a suggestion or offers any input, pressuring me to just make the decision. Half the time he's fine with the plan and half the time he gets sullen, distant and disengaged and grumbles about how bored he is. I feel like a FT activity coordinator for an ungrateful teenager. Any advice on handling this?

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"The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!" 🐁

likefunny

Sounds super passive aggressive and baby-ish. You should just do stuff on your own till he notices and misses you. “I’m going on a 19 mile bike ride and meeting my friend at the park for socially distant coffee”.

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Mine does this too!! If he gives no feedback on what he *wants*, I ask if there’s anything he *doesn’t* want just to flip it and narrow it down.

Failing that, sometimes I respond with “All I want is for you to make the decision tonight because I don’t have the mental space to do it.”

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Oh you are far from alone. Welcome to my life.

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Tell him exactly what you told us. Let him know how you feel and then you both can talk about ideas together to fix the problem.

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We are twins, I feel like. I have such decision fatigue but I always get what I want so of course he doesn’t want to put the effort in to make a plan. I realize this but UGH!

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Maybe you could start going on walks together and have little chats, it might help you see if he’s going through some other issue that making him so wishy-washy. Or maybe he feels pressure to always do something but really he wants to just relax and do nothing.

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This is really great advice! My partner is also rubbish at thinking of things to do and it actually stresses him out. If we walk somewhere it’s no pressure and we talk all the way. I also get really sick of being responsible for organising things all the time. I work so much right now it doesn’t matter, but it will become a problem again soon.

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He asks at night? Is this just like him wondering what’s up for the evening after you’re done working? Did you ever ask why he asks this and never takes action himself? Have you tried beating him to the punch and asking first?

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He asks at night after we're both finished with work. I often ask him first, when we're chatting or talking about our days and he always throws it right back at me with, "whatever you want to do my love". It feels like I'm hitting a wall.

Why don’t you try, “I chose last night [or last weekend] — it’s your turn — what would you like tonight to be?”

*this works for cooking and cleaning bathrooms as well...🤭😂

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Just start making plans with your friends or for yourself. If he’s bummed keep saying “oh well you hadn’t mentioned wanting to do anything so I made my own plans”. Yes this is passive aggressive but also having a relationship where you don’t rely solely on each other for entertainment is key.

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hit him in the head

funny

Handle it like I handle my children. Give him 3 choices and have him pick one.

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Based on this, and reading your additional comments throughout the thread, it sounds like what's at the root of these frustrations is a communication breakdown. He's not responding when you try to engage him on the "why," and you're feeling burdened and annoyed. Which sucks, because, you know, you love each other!
Have you considered couples therapy? I know that sounds scary to a lot of people but it has been GREAT for me and my partner in the past. Sometimes when you hit a wall like this, it's useful to have an objective person help you both work through it. In many sessions, I felt able to articulate my issues in a more clear way, and opening those discussions brought us closer together.
Therapy doesn't have to be a last resort! I cosign all the advice about taking walks, doing more low-impact things together... but of course, someone still has to initiate/plan doing those things (you, which brings us back to your original issue).
It's hard to get out of a rut like this in a LTR. Whether you explore therapy as an option or decide to start with "taking turns," find a space where you both feel comfortable being transparent about how you feel. People change, and their needs do, too.
Express the problem -> Align on the issue -> Plan a solution -> Follow through!
Best of luck.

helpful

Your feedback is very enlightening, and I think touches on some deeper topics that need to be addressed. I have wanted to do couples therapy for a while now, but my (Colombian) husband is completely against it. He thinks that American therapists would be biased and would be a waste of money. When I suggested that we could find a Latino/Colombian therapist who would better understand his culture, he still rejected the idea. I also invite him for low-key walks (which I love and do every day), but he apparently "hates walking", finds it completely "boring" and declines my every offer.

It's been incredibly helpful for me to see that there are other people who deal with similar situations, and it seems like communication is the root of a lot of the frustration and confusion I'm facing.

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OP I’m In the same boat with my husband, only it’s with dinner. He’s the one who cooks and enjoys the ritual of having dinner together every night. I am more of a don’t care type who is fine with just eating a bowl of cereal or deciding at the last minute. I thank and praise him to death for his cooking and let him know how much I appreciate it, but it’s also mad annoying when I work a lot more hours than him and have a lot less leisure time at the end of the day and all of a sudden I have to come up with what to make for dinner. I’ll offer three things that I’m fine with eating and then he won’t pick one or he’ll make me pick one and then act all silent and sullen about it. Days later, I’ll find out that he actually wanted to make some other thing or some expensive produce or piece of fish that we had in the fridge rotted because we didn’t make it that night, BUT because I didn’t read his mind somehow I’m at fault. I’ve suggested meal planning and taking turns but he doesn’t show any enthusiasm for either so I’m kind of at a loss. We have the same 15 minute fight every night. I hate that we’re in this pattern.

helpful

Thanks for the suggestions. I’ve heard great things about OneNote. I’ll look into it

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