{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Fiancée (woman) wants to keep her hyphenated name after her previous divorce because she likes it better and wants to keep using it for her career/personal brand. Fiancé (man) thinks keeping it hyphenated is disrespectful to him, does not see how shortening a hyphenated name detracts from personal branding, would prefer she only use her maiden name going forward, and does not want her to adopt own last name once married. Who do you side with?", "post_id": "5f2047fc9110d60021d4d623", "reply_count": 734, "vote_count": 37, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "The Work-Life Bowl", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Fiancée (woman) wants to keep her hyphenated name after her previous divorce because she likes it better and wants to keep using it for her career/personal brand. Fiancé (man) thinks keeping it hyphenated is disrespectful to him, does not see how shortening a hyphenated name detracts from personal branding, would prefer she only use her maiden name going forward, and does not want her to adopt own last name once married. Who do you side with?

likefunnyhelpfulsmart
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I’d love to know how many responses on here are men versus women. Fact is, later in a career if you’re getting remarried, you’ve build up a brand / reputation with that last name. Your network recognizes you by that name, your coworkers know you by that name. Changing your name can lead to lost opportunities/recognition.

Hell - I and many friends were hesitant to change from our maiden names for that very reason. Ultimately I did change mine due to being earlier in the career path. But if I were ever divorced and remarried, I would 100% not be changing my name (and I don’t have my maiden name hyphenated in there). Anyone who married me would not have to be so insecure and misogynistic that they feel the maintenance of the name and refusal to comply was a result of feelings for my ex.

Would he empathize if he had to change his name? Why not him change his name to match hers then if he’s okay with rebranding? It does the same “unification” in principle.

I see arguments of “concern for feelings for ex”. If that’s the issue then marriage counseling is needed, not a change of name.

like

When I got engaged I told my future wife to keep her name. She said no. She believed that sharing a name is an important part of marriage. If a spouse wants to hyphenate, both should. Its a shared life and a shared name. If they choose to keep their pre-marriage names, also good. They should define themselves in the context of their marriage.

The thing is, in my troglodyte view, names mean something. Is her ex-husband's name hers? Yes. But its also her ex-husbands. They hyphenated. So she chose to take on his name as part of spending a life with him. Said differently, her brand became her AND him. Entering into a new marriage, her brand is now her and the wrong him. The new husband will be asked, or people will at least want to ask, why her name is hyphenated but the second name isn't his. They will want to know why her brand doesn't include him.

I don't think his desire to share a name with his wife indicates a relationship problem. I don't understand why his interest in his wife not sharing a name with some other guy is a relationship problem.

Slightly off topic, can someone explain to me how going from a hyphenated name back to her maiden name will make her impossible to find? I seem to find my former classmates, colleagues, managers, anyone who wants to find me, anyone who I dont want to find me on LinkedIn despite name changes. Those individuals didn't even hyphonate. Some of them changed their first name and one of them changed their gender. But yet LinkedIn made the connection. I guess its fear of a brand strong enough for email, but too weak for LinkedIn.

likehelpful

Her body her choice was too far. There are some comments on here that go too far in each extreme. The way I see it is both sides present reasonable positions and without more information it’s hard to say more (and also it’s on them and their relationship given a partnership takes 2).

I have assumed some of the “her name her choice” comments on here are overcompensation for a history of that choice not being a common “option” and that in a real scenario there would be more rationale discussion.

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Why is it so hard for people to get that women have their own agency and they can make decisions about their body, their name, for themselves?

🙄

If the guy doesn’t like it, who cares. Not your body, not your name, not your career, not your choice.

likefunnysmarthelpful

It takes time and effort for a woman to change her name in all the legal places she needs to. Her hyphenated name may sound better than her maiden name alone. Smith-Hanford, Jones-Kincaid, Price-Jamison.
Sounds like the future husband is insecure. Did the fiancée’s husband leave her? So she might be carrying a torch. So many issues that can’t be solved with a simple answer.

like

Keeping your ex-husbands last name after remarrying? Yikes. Can’t believe the amount of people here who think that’s okay.

likeupliftingsmart

I honestly don't understand what it's got to do with respect. It's a name she took as her own. Also why start a new thread about this?

I have been using my married name to publish academic papers. It’s my work email, it’s on my business cards, it’s on my LinkedIn. I totally understand the branding aspect!
Nobody in my professional life or not even my friends know my maiden name. It would be changing my identity.
Also talking about changing identity it would make HER go through all the name changes paperwork, SSN, banks, credit cards, global entry, loyalty programs, personal emails, and I’m sure I forget some.

I’m with her 100%: branding + such a hassle to change (hours of her life wasted for his ego).

likehelpfulfunny

This calls for a change. Keep your own maiden names even after marriage especially women. Kids will choose what last name they want. Coming from a third world country I know how much of a paper work and hassle it is to change a women’s last name. My wife and still use their maiden names just to avoid all the hassle. Peach out bruh!

like

I am completely against women changing their name after marriage, but she did so, here’s the thing: after a while, the ex’s name became her name too, since she changed it. She has built a career and other things with that name. He should stop looking at this as “it’s her ex’s name” and should see it as “this was her name when I met her”. Plus, news flash: men don’t get to dictate what name a woman can have, she does. Changing a name is super annoying and costly and time consuming, she doesn’t want to go through that again and she doesn’t want to deal with changes in her career too. I understand why it bothers him, but it’s his problem, not hers. He should respect it, it’s her name. It has been her name for years and it’s not fair to ask her to change it for him to feel good.

likesmarthelpful

Her name her choice. I’d tell him to ef off and change his own name if he wants to control someone’s name

likefunny

@EY2 - perfect response!!

like

Lol.

ITT: people arguing about the relative feminist virtue of taking your husband’s name vs keeping your father’s...

likefunny

Wow, IBM1, you did not deserve that dogpile. I do agree it’s silly and a sign of insecurity to care so much about a woman’s double barreled name that she clearly likes more than whatever her new one would be. If it’s upsetting him, they need to both compromise - maybe they both change their names to something they both like. If he’s not willing to do that, then he should examine why he won’t change his name to make someone else happy and reconsider his take on the whole name thing.

Her job also doesn’t matter, having C level or even other industry people relearn your name is a huge PITA! Especially if your name is not memorable except for your ex’s last name. Emily Smith-Sawyer might not want to become Emily Smith-Johnson especially if she’s been called Sawyer as a nickname at work by everyone for a decade because there are 5 Emily’s.

likesmart

I wouldn’t put up with that if I was in his shoes.

likefunnyuplifting

So I guess all the guys on this thread will hyphen their names to their wives. Marriage over work right?
Men should feel just as honored as their wives to carry the other person's name!

like

An already established career? No name change.

likefunny

D2, many fail to realize your logic. There are a few on this thread giving some good reason, and you're one of them. Keep on keepin on.

Her name her choice, but at the same time so I understand, she’s keeping the name of her ex husband hyphenated with her maiden name? So e.g.,

Maiden name: Smith
Husband 1 (now divorced): Carter
Husband 2: (now married): Doe

She wants her name while married to husband 2 to be “Smith-Carter”? That’s disrespectful to husband 2. I don’t think she has to take husband 2’s name. She doesn’t have to hyphenate with husband 2. But you absolutely cannot keep husband 1’s last name.

like

That is what I did thou. 10 years in a relationship with Mr. Doe and my name is Carter. Totally fine by me; the kid will be Doe. We lived together unmarried for years. I am too old for this name changing shit. It does not matter.

like

The woman, it’s her name, but she needs to talk to her fiancé about how he feels too. I can understand him feeling like perhaps she’s still attached to her husband after their divorce, but she should talk with him to assure him that’s not the case.

Also can see her side as well if her maiden name is incredibly common, like Smith or Jones.

like

It isn’t about sex, or “male fragility”, at least for me. If it were, say, a gay couple, and one of them had his ex’s last name... Point still stands. It’s about respect for your counter part, and leaving the past behind.

like

I think it’s weird that she’s keeping her ex’s name. That’s keeping the most personal thing your ex ever gave to you. I know it doesn’t work for men since they don’t take the last name, but if my partner wanted to keep his ex’s name or let’s say had a tattoo with his ex’s name he could easily cover with something else, I would not be cool with it

like

KPMG 8 - 100% agree!

like

I would feel uncomfortable if my wife had her ex-husband’s last name... hyphenated or not.

likesmart

COO 1 - can attest as someone who has changed their name that being in a position where you don’t think there would be a tangible difference/finding you does spin things. I have had business contacts tell me that after I changed my name they emailed my old account regarding an opportunity and I never responded - as such they engaged an alternative firm. HR only forwarded emails from old name for 90 days which is 100% not enough. They “typically” only do 60 and they said 90 was the best they could do for me...

Will said man be trading goats for her hand in marriage as well?🙄🙄🙄it’s her name. This should not be up for discussion she is not property. I suggest she set the terms for future children (if planning on them) to go in prenup based on this sensitivity.

likehelpful

Sounds like they need counseling - there is a bigger issue at play here.

smart

The woman has the freedom to have any name she wants, for any reason.

The man also has the freedom to not marry someone, for any reason.

likesmart

Exactly! If this is what was keeping someone from marrying another person, that is telling me that their relationship isn’t very strong.

like

Female here. I wouldn’t do that to the man I intend to marry.
Obviously, her branding is more important to her than that relationship. A good marriage requires compromises - she is already setting the tone for what is yet to come. Hope he’ll run.

likesmart

A relationship should be more than a name. A relationship should be about mutual love and support. If a woman is invested in her career and is known under a particular name (whether that's maiden or married), her husband should be secure enough to believe that his wife is committed to him no matter what her name is.

It’s her own name, she can do as she wants. Especially if she’s well known/regarded both personally and professionally with her current hyphenated name.

I understand he probably feels slighted but he’s also saying she can’t take HIS name? It feels very controlling.

Also as someone above said, it’s a PAIN in the ass to change your name, it take months for processing and a lot of time in the DMV, Social Security office, passport paperwork, etc. You have to carry around your marriage license / proof of name change basically everywhere and get questioned all the time. People can be jerks about it too.

Would he be willing to change his name if he was in the scenario? Probably not, it’s “his name” and he feels himself with it.

likefunny

This whole dilemma just supports my belief that no one should ever change their name upon marriage.

likeuplifting

Agreed. I am from Iran and women don’t change their last name after marriage. My mom never did and my wife has kept her last name, even though mine is much cooler and easier to pronounce 😁

like

Fiancée = woman
Fiancé = man

like

Waiting for the gender fluid outage on this 😂

likefunny

I have a different perspective on this as a child of a woman who did something similar as the fiancée in this hypo. My mother kept my dad’s last name after their divorce. I’m obviously biased, but it’s a great last name (easy, recognizable). It’s our family name—not just my father’s. It’s also her professional name. She kept that name even after marrying my stepfather. He never interpreted it as disrespectful towards him.

likehelpful

SVP 1 - have you ever had to change your name before? I’ve lost business opportunities because HR usually has a small window where they forward emails. I’ve also had people say they couldn’t find me in LinkedIn or other forums. Additionally in this circumstance it does lead to less professional questions depending on the individual about divorce/why it changed, where as this is not applicable to men as no one is the wiser about what is happening in their personal lives. A woman should be allowed to brand in her profession and not have her personal life creep into her work life.

I side with the woman. This is her name. And yes she was previously married. Changing her name doesn’t change that. If the man can’t accept her name or her past, that’s on him.

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