{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Fiancé wants to continue his once a year trip to Vegas (alcohol, night club, pool parties) with his best friends (all married guys with kids), even after we get married and have kids in the future. They took that trip for a few years before we met, but he didn’t go after that (covid mostly). I’m ok he spend a guys only weekend with his buddies each year but feel uncomfortable of what they do in Vegas. So I suggested why can’t do something wholesome or go somewhere else. More in comments…", "post_id": "60e06c275c0c930021fe568e", "reply_count": 52, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Fiancé wants to continue his once a year trip to Vegas (alcohol, night club, pool parties) with his best friends (all married guys with kids), even after we get married and have kids in the future. They took that trip for a few years before we met, but he didn’t go after that (covid mostly). I’m ok he spend a guys only weekend with his buddies each year but feel uncomfortable of what they do in Vegas. So I suggested why can’t do something wholesome or go somewhere else. More in comments…

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I think Vegas is the place if you aren’t a big party/club person day to day. I’m not into Vegas, but if I wanted to go to the club or a pool party, it’s kind of tricky to find a cool spot in my home town, but Vegas makes it easy. I kind of think mildly dorky guys like Vegas because of that. I don’t think people cheat that aren’t cheaters.

I’m also 35, and all my friend who liked Vegas have aged out of it. No one I know thinks it’s cool anymore. Maybe give it time?

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I would never be okay with my husband going on a boys party (gambling, drinking, clubbing, etc) trip alone every year. There is no reason they can’t switch it up and go somewhere else. There is a reason they choose Vegas … Have you asked would he feel if you went on an all girls trip to Vegas every year?? We go on group trips with my husbands best friends and their wives and kids. The boys do all - boy outings like golf or to the bar and we go to the spa and switch off the kiddos. Works great! We have a blast!

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It just seems very controlling. Think if it was you and your significant other didn’t want you to go to Vegas. If his gonna cheat on you, it’s gonna happen in Miami, Austin wherever. This isn’t directed at you but I see soo many married men have these super controlling wives, I think the husbands put up with it because they don’t want trouble but it’s just a bad look for women who don’t trust who their witj.

likesmart

I don’t think a guys trip or even a guys trip to Vegas is in itself a bad idea - at all. But - I do think that anyone’s peer group can normalize bad behavior. Are these friends going to Vegas to cut loose but are fundamentally good guys who are faithful to their wives and are holding each other accountable? If the latter, I wouldn’t worry about it - unless your concern is that your fiancé is actually the one encouraging the bad behavior (and if so, cut your losses and RUN).

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Don't be that person.

Trust that he won't cheat. If you can't then what type of relationship do you have? If he gets stupid, drunk, gambles, and enjoys guy time what harm is that?

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What's wrong with Vegas? I go several times a year.

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If he doesn’t cheat then what’s the harm of him going to Vegas?

likesmart

Um, his response to you is effing psycho, manipulative, and juvenile? “Ugh, babe, the guys are gonna think YOU suck?” What kind of fratboy Neanderthal are you considering marrying?

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This sums it up.

likesmart

My friends older brother had this exact Vegas trip situation for years. DID end up cheating on his wife each time the trip happened and it only came out this most recent trip by accident when his wife picked him up at the airport and his buddies made a verbal mistake of mentioning it.
😬

likehelpful

This is horrible, how did they handle that? My fear is that yes, I can trust him not cheating on me now, but how do I know in years later the nature of their trip won’t change? Overall they are in a very susceptible place, influenced by alcohol, and have access to all sorts of things. And more importantly, why that’s the only way they can have fun together.

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I think you’re intuition is right. Sounds like they don’t want to go elsewhere exactly because of the trouble they want to get into in Vegas.

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If you can trust him you should be able to trust him anywhere. If you don’t feel like you can trust him it’s a bigger issue. I hope he plans on letting you have a blowout girls trip every year while he takes care of the kids though. It’s only fair.

likesmart

No, you don’t trust him.

There is no “except when…” with trust.

And stop pretending the blame is anywhere else.

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My opinion is that as his future wife, you should be one of the most important people to him. If you’re uncomfortable and expressed that, it’s inconsiderate for him to still go, especially if he has not tried to assure you there will be no funny business.

Also tbh, I think the risking your friendship with his buddies is a lame excuse. 1) your marriage and family is more important than your friendship with his buddies, 2) the other wives may be feeling the same way too (have you met them? Are you friends with them?), and 3) if those guys are truly your fiancé’s friends, they will understand and will still respect you out of respect for your fiancé

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Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I think I would go crazy without my girls weekends. I find it so important to be able to let your hair down and relax with friends. If you’re nervous about half naked women being around, there’s probably a different, more structural issue. If you trusted the man you’re going to marry, you would know he would be loyal to you, women in bikinis around or not.

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Agree with BCG1 that you two don't sound compatible. I've definitely had friends who were more traditional/conservative and if one of them brought up the kind of discomfort you're mentioning, that would be the end of the discussion - the trip would not happen. Some might call it controlling, others would call it considerate or respectful. The point is they were on the same page.

You and your fiance are not and it's going to cause you a lot of grief.

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His responses reek of immaturity. Think long and hard before you marry this guy …

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Honestly if my dad did that I would think it’s odd. I’m not married but I think it’s normal before marriage and maybe even in the beginning but like 15 years deep going to vegas seems strange to me. It’s sin city for a reason…

likesmartfunny

If you don’t trust him to go to Vegas for a weekend - then, there are serious issues with the foundations of your relationship.

I would concentrate on fixing the source of the problem instead of blocking the trip.

Figure out the ‘why’ & work on improving your relationship.

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If he wants to cheat and doesn’t have these moral boundaries, it’s probably gonna happen no matter what tbh. It can happen everywhere, even on a business trip. Yes, maybe the risk in Vegas is higher but what is the benefit of having a husband that you have to tell to not go to certain places so that he wouldn’t cheat? A relationship doesn’t work from a point of control. I don’t care what my SO does. I trust him that he is making the right decisions. If he wants to go to Vegas with his friends, so be it. I (female) am sometimes traveling alone just for fun, had to travel for work a lot pre-Covid and I would expect him to trust me too and don’t wanna have an argument that I can’t do these things anymore. Trying to control someone will only lead to a disconnect and unhappiness in the relationship

likesmart

I have no issue with my husband going on boys trips and they can go to Vegas…. I am going to Vegas on girls trips 3 times this year and I don’t even like Vegas. I totally trust him and his friends. I agree that you dont trust him and that you should trust your judgement here, he and his friends are likely not trustworthy. Also agree that his reaction and responses are not a good sign.

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Is this a Vegas issue or trust issue? If you are telling me he spent 10, 20 grand every year during this trip, then my answer might be different, but if it’s just something he does with his buddies once a while, let him be

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But to your point, it’s a trust issue… I don’t think this is gonna work out if they don’t actually address that

I support my husband having (at least) annual guys trips because I think friendships are super important and hard to maintain if your have a super intense career.

I get lots of friend time through play dates with our kids and my long term girl friends and I WHOLLY SUPPORT husband having these experiences too.

Lift him up with your trust and support!

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He said that trip is the only way they’ll have fun, and if he suggests his friends they do something else, they’ll clearly now know it comes from me (so I risk my friendship with his buddies). Am I wrong and there’s nothing to be concerned of this trip?

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Only you know if there’s nothing to be worried about. It sounds like you know that there is something to be worried about. And by the way - he should care a LOT about whether you feel comfortable

I agree with those who say that the location doesn’t matter. You could be concerned about him going to Vegas and then find out he is having an affair with a local waitress. Cheaters going to cheat, they don’t need an excuse or that sort of opportunity to do it. When he’s gone in the past, has he come back with stories of his friends cheating?

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