First post.. but do you ever feel like you’re not appreciated for spending a lot of money. Fiancée works at lulu but is going to med school next month. Not even a thanks for spending 4K on a brand new bed or 2K on a brand new couch. I love her and wanted the same things but we just had a big argument about her not saying a simple thank you

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You sound like the guy who buys his wife a vacuum for her birthday and doesn’t get why she isn’t jumping for joy. A bed and a couch are things you BOTH need. They aren’t gifts for her.

likesmartfunny

I mean, when my SO agreed that we could get a dyson because “I just had to have it” I thanked him for splitting such an expensive vacuum with me. Would have loved to get it as a birthday present 😅

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I’d be over the moon if my fiancé bought me a desk, etc and furniture for our future and would at the very least tell him how much I like it! I’m married now and if my husband buys a gift with our joint money I’m still excited and grateful and thank him profusely. I don’t understand the entitlement in here, it baffles my mind😯

likesmart

I agree--my husband and I thank each other all the time, even for little things, but not out of obligation--out of appreciation. Showing appreciation is just another way we show that we love each other and are grateful for the things we each do, or purchase, to make our lives easier.

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Not going to lie dude, this is weird behavior from you. You are marrying her, you are one unit. Your income is both of your income. Even if you have agreed to separate finances until you get married, I am assuming this couch and bed at some point will be under the same roof as you. You did not “buy her a couch and bed” you bought your family a bed and couch.

Holding your finances over her like she should be thanking you is just weird man. You are marrying her. She does not owe you a thank you, you should be doing those things for the love of your family.

You sound too immature to be getting married if this is how you view your relationship.

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My partner and I buy/do things around the house not to get praise or fill a quota on chores we need to do. We simply do it because the home is ours and we want it to be great. We do it for ourselves as a family. Imagine saying thanks every single time we do something? It would actually feel unnatural, like it’s some kinda obligation. We do show gratitude but it’s not a thank you every time. Hope this provides some perspective from a 11 year relationship. 💜

likesmart

Sounds like you guys don't have the same love language

likesmarthelpful

Thank you P1, started reading it 🙏

Did you buy them as a gift for her, or are they for both of you? If they're for both of you, you should not expect thanks.

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Thanks should always be expected.
Not because I expect to hear it but I want to be with someone who is capable of showing appreciation and will appreciate me for what I do. It's more about their values than me hearing it.

I think you approached this from the wrong angle. You told her you’re upset that she didn’t say thank you for the furniture… that sounds transactional and puts everything on her. But you’re actually upset because you need to feel recognized for your support. And if you framed it that way—focusing on what you need instead of what she did wrong—you’d probably get a different response.

likehelpfulsmart

I think a simple thank you is warranted especially if you paid for it all and didn’t split it. It’s kind of common courtesy? My SO and I make about the same but if ever one or the other pays for something like a dinner (as opposed to putting it on a joint card), we still thank each other. I think it just shows appreciation. Most of our finances are split but we still appreciate when one goes out of the way for the other (because the default is just that we split everything)

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Yeah I don’t think that’s ridiculous. If the tables were turned, I’m sure she would feel the same. Sometimes people just get caught up in their own lives and don’t realize what’s going on.

I'm all for gratitude and constant recognition, so in that sense I'm in agreement with a lot of comments on this regard. What makes me think twice in this situation is that there appears to be a big gap, currently, in the financial situations for both of you, and that can get tricky. First, hopefully you have discussed how you are doing your finances: split? Single pot? Split, but you'll pitch in more while she works? That will be important to figure out what I'm going to day next. When there is a huge financial difference, and depending on your arrangement, it can be tricky to expect a thank you for every big expense; depending on how the other person feels about this difference, asking for thanks every time could be perceived as a way of making evident the 'power' that the one with the bigger income has, like a, remember who is buying everything here. Again, this varies a lot between couples, but with my partner we've been through times when one or the other is the sole income, which for the other has usually been difficult. Thinking to back then, if he ever asked me to thank him for some of those big expenses would have felt like a slap in the face, like a reminder that you are not pitching in as much. And the other way around. When I've been the only income, I would not ask my partner to thank me when I do the big expenses. Because I'm really glad to do it, and I know he appreciates it, but I also know that if they could choose, it would've been 50-50. All this to say. I understand expecting gratitude and most often would say, just talk to her about it and go for it. But in this case I'd invite you to consider your financial agreement with your partner and make a personal assessment about whether this could be understood like a power move. In which case I'd avoid it and continue to support her quietly on the side.

likesmart

This reminds me of something I read once about relationships working best when both partners feel like they're contributing 60%.

Idk guess this depends on the person. I was raised to always be grateful for the things people did for me no matter how small the deed. It’s kinda crazy how much a little “thank you” goes. I’ve had people even tell me that nobody ever thanks them for things. Don’t want to say she isn’t grateful but can definitely comes off like thay

likeuplifting

Also pay for take-out, bought her a desk and all school supplies to do well in school... not sure how i respond to this because she would still be living at home

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Being appreciative is important and it’s good to say thank you so I can see how that would be frustrating. At least if you’re getting married all assets will be shared so it doesn’t really matter who pays for what if it’s all being shared anyway right?

Dude, grow up and wait you are married.

When you have a wife, she will tell you to do something and you just do it. Whether it be taking out the trash, watching the kids for a bit, or washing a few dishes. No thank you needed (it’s nice, but you are all part of the household and contributing)

Happy wife, happy life.

likesmartfunny

I don’t think you’re on the right line of communication. Even when I was previously in a serious relationship, I always said thank you whether it was an Uber, a new work bag, a water bottle, etc. I was always very clear that my love language is words of affirmation.

Maybe you could word it to her like that? “I love you and I love to provide this great life for us. It stimulates me when you use words of affirmation. Your words mean more to me than anything so it would could a long way if you could say things like thank you. I know you’re thankful but I need to hear it.”

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Aw that’s great!
My only suggestion would only be to have a very open discussion about how saying thank you is more about words of affirmation to you than being thankful. Remind her that you know she’s grateful and thankful but hearing it is part of your love language.
I would highly suggest leaving the monetary value out of it. As in, don’t mention prices of anything because it it’s truly your love language then hearing thank you should weigh the same for a bottle of water as it does for new furniture.

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Sigh this is the beginning of the end if you’re gonna tally

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Apart from thank yous, what are You missing in this relationship?

What is She missing in this relationship?

likesmart

Side note but what did she do at lulu that got her into med school?

funny

Her love language is different. Your love language is action and appreciation. Communicate that to her and hope she will understand.

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Appreciation is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

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Op is not asking for anything and seems very happy and supportive for her going to medical school . Appreciation being shown for various reasons is always nice . I hope she is not stoic and like this with everything op

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It’s nice if it goes both ways

My stay at home wife wants me to say thank you for the things she does. I try to

But I dont get thanked for good days, bad days, bonus or raises.

It doesn’t usually bother me. As I’ve gotten older I’m more willing to treat others as they want to be treated.

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For perspective, I’ve always made at least double my wife’s salary. Now she’s a stay at home mom and has no income. So quite literally everything is paid by my salary.

Some advice:
1) don’t keep score of who buys what. It will cause you to have long term resentment.

2) flip the script. Do you tell her thank you for putting her earning potential on hold so she can go to school longer and get a higher paying job later in life that admittedly benefits the family.

3) it doesn’t matter whose salary it is, it’s the family’s money. Everything that goes in and everything that comes out impacts the entire family.


My wife thanks me some times and not others when I spend money or she spends money. But I don’t expect it. I thank my wife for being a stay at home mom and everything that entails sometimes and not others.

I bet if you start thanking her for her contribution and sacrifices, she will thank you more for yours as well.

helpful

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