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My husband and I are both asexual, and he's not interested in sex at all. It works for us, we're still madely in love, we maintain a home and are loving and it's very good. We've also been poly for going on three years, happily so, with good results, so there's zero feels in our relationship that anything is 'missing' because we don't expect each other to somehow fill every single need and want and that's okay.
Open/poly relationships can be great if it's the sort of thing that you and your partner are into and wired for--but it is absolutely not something you do because you want to save a flawed relationship. You need a strong relationship to start to survive that kind of transition, and even then just bringing it up is potentially a bomb for your existing relationship if your partner doesn't like the idea. You can't ever take back telling a monogamous partner that they 'aren't enough'--even if that's not how you see it.
I know several people in the community who got into ethical nonmonogamy because their bedtime interests didn't line up, and it works great for them. I know of just as many who tried to bring it up with their partner, and their partner ended the relationship (or should have, frankly, but instead dragged it on for a while feeling hurt and miserable because they didn't actually want ENM but did it to make their partner who wanted to try it happy).
If you think it's something you want to consider, make sure your do your research before you bring it up and understand what you're asking for.
I knew that I was, but he struggled with it for a few years before he figured it out. We met in college :)
On year 7. Ours fizzled out. It was a crisis at first, but now we’ve accepted it. I’ve loved him all throughout and realized sex and love are not synonymous. We found out we are not actually that driven by sex and prioritizing it low initially felt taboo. So in my experience, having more sex was not the outcome we actually desired most, and finding that out together was a learning experience.
Beautifully said, very happy for both of you finding each other
Very common - boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and are kind of in the same boat. When we have sex it’s still great and the spark is still there, but I’d say the frequency is likely 5% of what it was our first few months together.
We’re in an open relationship and that certainly helps keep things exciting - but we were in an open relationship from day one, not as a “fix” or something.
McK1 - perhaps? Haha. I’m NYC-based. Also, is that how you get the “community builder” badge? 🤣
Been together for 5 years. We haven’t had sex since September. Tried an open relationship in year 3 but I fucked it up by breaking the rules.
Communicating your needs might be your first step having more sex
Nope - we’ve both went to therapy. He’s bipolar, so his therapy journey will be a bit longer than mine. Our next hurdle is probably our biggest. I’m moving back to the US in a few months and well I’m not really sure if he’s coming with me.
14 years together. Met at 33. Amazing sex first 8 years and then it kind of fizzled out. We both acknowledge it, and it’s ok. We are both at prime in our careers, work way too much and while it’s not what I envisioned when I was younger, sex is just one small piece of the pie in marriage
Chief
This is pretty common. There’s a Reddit thread about it almost every day — I’d try googling for those.
Open relationships are a ton of work, and rarely repair a relationship. But if you’re unhappy with the amount of sex you’re having, and your partner can’t or won’t step up, it may be something to discuss rather than starting to resent your partner.
Chief
To reiterate, in light of further comments here — opening the relationship is a “value add” for people who are into it. It’s not a band-aid for problems that may exist. Step 1 is communicate your needs and try to figure out what’s up. Are you guys just tired? Is someone feeling, even subconsciously, a little resentful towards the other for some reason? (Not doing a fair share of chores, suddenly earning more, being at home all the time / more than expected, etc.) Has someone’s physicality changed?
It does for many of us. We were open from day one, though, and also now poly and have shared a boyfriend for about five years.
Some of them. My parents and parents-in-law have passed, but some of the nieces and nephews do. And the bf’s mother.
In the same boat. Together for 5 years, moved in last year and sex life has gone to 0. Every other aspect is perfect. My anxiety is trying to make me believe he’s not into me anymore as the sex used to be great before we moved in ☹️
Take a vacation far away and have "fun" for a night and see what that does for your sex life.
It’s more about communication. Personally, whenever one of us feels that sex life is not going so great, we discuss why it is happening and what can be done to help with it.
Yes it’s very common.
Had great monotonous sex for 6 years in my last relationship . Just had to work on keeping it exciting a bit
Chief
🙄
Communication is key like stated above. When we first started dating we couldn’t stop having sex so I keep reminding her how good it was and we would go right back into it. Then I take her on cute dates and just make her feel special. Trying to spice things up is the way to go.
Awesome. Really appreciate it all!!
Almost at year 3 — fizzled out. Accepted it. Con1 basically hit the nail on the head for me