For those of you whose marriages ended in divorce, did you recognize the marriage was a bad idea before you got married and just ignored the signs/warnings, hoping things would get better?

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I fell in love with his potential. Turns out he doesn’t have any. So.

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same. he was all talk

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This is going to vary so much 🤦🏽‍♀️

Called off an engagement. I always hoped things would get better. Eventually, I started fantasizing about ending the relationship

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Also me! 🙋‍♀️

I knew where we were dysfunctional and foresaw how that would become problematic. I didn't recognize his selfishness until many years had passed and I looked back. I realized how much I had given up because I was trying to make him happy. I couldn't think of one instance where he had done that for me.

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^^this. I finally ended a 3 yr relationship in my late 20s. Had to move away and start grad school to get out of toxic relationship with self absorbed manic personality

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As a former researcher in this area:

Very few get married thinking it’s a bad idea. Most get married thinking it’s a good idea but don’t understand how to continually sacrifice for the other and trust that their partner will do the same. That’s one generalization that’s quite common.

Another is that people change and people use that as an excuse for divorce. Instead of acknowledging that of course people change (and they should over the course of many years). But divorce couples tend to grow individually instead of changing together.

Another common trend is that people don’t put time and effort into maintaining a healthy relationship. Expecting the relationship will sustain itself. The bad flags or relationship decline is what happens in apathy.

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Red flags in the beginning, but ultimately we grew apart. Also - I married him for when he was at his best, but divorced him because I couldn’t handle him at his worst.

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I know everyone’s stories would vary—I was curious to hear people’s experiences. I remember getting engaged and feeling not joy or happiness but sheer dread. Absolute dread. My ex had no desire to address issues and challenges headon, and he also struggled with depression and anxiety but didn’t think he was having issues. Those 2 key struggles left unchecked before marriage would not magically be addressed after.

Thankfully we parted ways. I count myself one of the lucky ones. A friend of mine did not want to marry her fiancé on the day of her wedding but still went through with it because all the guests were there and thought: the show must go on. She got divorced 5 years later and realized she should just have bailed.

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Or were things actually good for you but then the relationship declined over time?

We grew apart

When I had a local job, we used to do a lot of things together; once I started consulting, I didn’t pay attention to maintain our relationship, I no longer hang out with him or spend time with him, I spent extensive time traveling (taking advantage of the project paying for the flights, my excuse), our views of the world are no longer the same, less and less common things to talk about. Not the fault of this job, but me not spending time/effort on this relationship.

I (for one) ignored the red flags.

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