{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "For those who have kids or have decided you want to start having kids, how did you know you were ready to start trying? I’m turning 31 and my husband and I have been married for 8 months. I’ve always wanted to have kids eventually, but I’m having a hard time coming to terms with how much life will change and the sacrifices that have to be made. Maybe it’s because social media has made me acutely aware of the the mom struggle. If anyone has helpful advice to push past the fear, please share!", "post_id": "6086bfc5a6b323002083533e", "reply_count": 47, "vote_count": 22, "bowl_id": "5da60c126e5f0d001f32f497", "bowl_name": "Women in Law" }

For those who have kids or have decided you want to start having kids, how did you know you were ready to start trying? I’m turning 31 and my husband and I have been married for 8 months. I’ve always wanted to have kids eventually, but I’m having a hard time coming to terms with how much life will change and the sacrifices that have to be made. Maybe it’s because social media has made me acutely aware of the the mom struggle. If anyone has helpful advice to push past the fear, please share!

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I wanted kids in my very late 20s, early 30s. I knew it was time when I kept thinking of all of the cool things I could teach someone and I looked around and there was no one to teach. Fertility issues delayed a kid until 34. When you have a baby everything sort of shuts down for a bit because babies are pretty all-consuming. So, you adjust after that to as much or little as you can take on. My husband and I are really quite content to have nearly zero social life and hang out with our son in our free time. We take turns on the weekend watching him so each of us can have some time to ourselves and then we do family outings together. I used to work ridiculous hours and my husband was a stay at home dad. He really enjoyed it and I knew my son was in good hands. So, I worked and they hung out. He also made the meals and kind of kept the house clean. You have to be careful, though, because it’s easy to rely on that too much. When my then four year old said he was unhappy because he never saw me I knew I had to make some changes. I started my own practice so I could control my workday and hours a bit more. Of course, that gets busy, too. But, I can decide if I want to start work at 10 am and finish at 9 pm or start at 8 am and end at 7 pm, for instance. I get to pick my kid up from school every day. No after school for him anymore.

There is never a “right” time to do it. We are busy people and the thought at adding even more responsibility is daunting. However, once you know you want to have a kid, I’d say take the first step and at least stop preventing the possibility. First, you never know if you’ll have trouble conceiving. At 32 (my husband 39) it took us almost a year, close to normal, but longer than expected. Even days before giving birth I was up at night wondering what in the world we were thinking, how are we going to this, we have no clue what we are getting into... this all went away after delivery and we just worked it all out, got support from family and friends when needed and have adjusted our schedules to make it work. Our lives def look a little different, but it’s a joy watching the little one grow. Now we have a second on the way two years later-and I feel the same way as the first lol wondering what we have gotten ourselves into.

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I feel the same way. I’m exhausted all the time just taking care of myself, I don’t know how people can handle children. But I do want them.. sigh.

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My in-laws live reasonably close by and I think they will help if asked. I’ve also recognized I will need to pay for help of some kind (daycare/nanny).

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Think about the sacrifices you’ve had to make going from a single woman to married. I’m sure your life has changed for the better since your marriage! And you made so many sacrifices to get through law school and pass the bar, but you survived and now you’re an attorney. Sacrifice is not comfortable (and can even be downright painful), but it is beautiful! Have no fear!

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Love this perspective. Thank you for sharing!!

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You just have to decide and do it. You have to remember that although there are sacrifices that come with having kids, once your kid is actually here you won’t be able to imagine life without them.

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Agreed!

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A kick in the pants from a scary medical issue is what expedited our timeline. We were recently married (but late 20s) and discovered we may not be able to get pregnant. This realization came with a burning desire to have children—no matter what. So, we started down that road immediately. You never know what the future holds. You just have to decide what you are and aren’t ok with potentially giving up. For me, I was NOT ok with the possibility of never having kids. And I didn’t want to risk it. That’s not the answer for everyone though. (2 pregnancies later—and twins!—here we are. 🙃)

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That’s amazing so happy for you! I definitely don’t want to tempt fate by putting it off and having less likelihood of conceiving the older we get. I can’t imagine not having kids! Thinking I should prioritize my desire for kids over my personal needs. Thank you for sharing!

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When two lines showed up on the stick. Oopsies!!

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This is a helpful approach! Not as scary leaving it up to chance.

There is no “right” time. And you’re never “ready.” I went through a period during pregnancy when I really mourned the lifestyle we were leaving behind. Sometimes I still mourn it, 2 years later. I think that’s okay.

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I mourn my old life often. I love my kid more than anything ever, but sometimes I want to watch a movie with bad words and violence in the middle of the day on the weekend or stay in bed and read all day. He’ll be out of the house soon enough, though, and I know I’ll miss him then.

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Ok re social media. I was really pissed when I had my first because I felt like everyone told me about the hardships but NOONE told me how awesome it would be. I really felt like society lied to me. Having kids is SO MUCH BETTER than you'd think. If I had known, I would have started earlier and had more.

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It’s so helpful to hear this! It seems like moms on SM are mostly posting about how tired they are and how hard it is to be a parent and it’s honestly been a huge deterrent. No doubt those are valid points but I wish they posted the positives too!

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I started early(for lawyers/professionals anyway) pregnant at 27 and first baby at 28. It definitely took a toll on my career early on but I now have four kiddos and I am in an amazing place with my job. There is absolutely no right answer and there are pros and cons to starting early or waiting but I think the most important thing to know is there’s no perfect time and will be sacrifices regardless. Good luck, I definitely have my days where they drive me crazy but they are the best ❤️

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Sending hugs. It’s a really hard decision and I’m not sure there’s ever a “right” time. My husband I started trying right around the one year mark of marriage when I was a 5th year associate in biglaw. The change to motherhood rocked me. The physical stuff no prob (kidding, that was wild too) but the identity shift really messed me up for a while. But now I have 2 awesome kids (6 yo and 3 yo) and I couldn’t imagine life any differently. It’s still a wild ride but I love it (and when my first was under a year I’m not sure I thought I’d ever say that.) it’s great you’re already super aware of the challenges. I think you’re a step ahead of where I was.

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No longer in big law. At a boutique and working on similar cases though. I took a pay cut only because I work WAY less (by choice). If i worked anywhere near my old hours I’d make way more but I realized I just didn’t want to bill 2400 hours a year anymore (hell, I don’t even want to bill 1900 hours anymore).

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I am 31 and I am also the bread winner. I think I want kids but I also feel like I am still too young/immature to have one. The fact my husband's job is not secure and he is actually a bit immature/doesnt know if he wants kids/keeps saying maybe later on.. doesnt help. So I don't know, clock is ticking but I don't want to put pressure when I am not even sure if I want it now.. (yeah I am a mess lol). Also, his and my parents are not close at all so that scares me even more..

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Lol.. God at least we are not alone! Hubby is great but although older than me he is literally just landed the first real job (I mean when he comes to complain about bs issues he has at work I want to bring him to my office to know what actual stress is like but still.. ). I am just worried I will want to have a kid and it will be too late.... also my mom asks A LOT and my answer is I have a cat lol. Can't message directly but thanks for making me feel less alone ahah

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Oooof. This post is everything. I have also been married 8 months, but I’m a year younger than you. I struggle with this daily!! I think I just have to do it and get it over with. We aren’t getting any younger and I imagine we will have to tackle this challenge just like any other challenge. It will be hard, but I hear it is worth it.

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*We aren’t getting any younger* is the response to any thought in my mind to delay having kids. Glad to hear I’m in good company :) You’re right, it will be hard but we’ve done hard to get where we are. We got this!

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Having a supportive husband/so and family who aren't pressuring at all helps, and being financially stable. Children are a lot a lot a lot of work, sacrifice, and change (especially to your lifestyle and freedom). It's really hard to take care of oneself, what more to take care of another human, one that can't even understand or adapt to anything. Can't even leave them alone for a while because anything can happen. So for a woman who's planning to have children, if there's a part of her that's not totally sold on having children, it's better to wait until such time that she's totally prepared.

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I just turned 33 and the clock is ticking, but when I think about actually caring for children I kind of shudder. Ugh, I feel really stuck.

I am feeling the ticking of time. Also 31.... married for 6 years (been together since we were 15). My husband is furloughed and job hunting/waiting to see if his job will take him back. I think if he lands back on his feet this year we begin trying in 2022.

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This is me!!!! 31, with my SO since we were 14, and he was laid off during 2020, which has been difficult financially for us ever since. We’re hoping to get on better financial footing before trying but, recently, it feels like time is racing by and I’ve been getting crazy anxiety about this (particularly with some friends who recently had fertility issues). 😭 Seriously, best of luck to you both!!!!

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We got bored with each other. And we enjoyed seeing kids traveling with their parents at the airport, on the beach, at the park, etc. So, we decided that it was time to add someone new to our two-person travel club. No regrets.

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I knew when most of my friends had kids and I just got baby fever. But it is a huge life adjustment. You can rely on a nanny and daycare and family, but ultimately the majority of the responsibility for them will fall on you. Not that that’s a bad thing- it’s very rewarding! But my best advice is to discuss with your partner how it will work with your careers beforehand. My husband is a partner at a law firm and I’m responsible for like 90% of the childcare during the week and it’s definitely taken a toll on my career. His hasn’t really been affected at all. Just something to think about and really figure out before you commit!

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This is helpful! I have very good work life balance and my husband’s work (tech, non lawyer) is more demanding, so I imagine I will naturally take on the majority of childcare tasks. But I do want to make partner eventually, so it makes sense to have a conversation to make sure my work is not being affected.

My husband and I were on the fence but hit 31 and 32 and figured we would try because we were tired already and knew it wouldn’t get better as we got older. Plus we wanted a little more time if we decided we wanted a second. I went off bc and figured if it was meant to be, it would happen but we didn’t want to go down the IVF route if it didn’t happen. Took a while, but that made us realize we did want a kid and tried a little more purposefully. We miss the Double Income No Kid (“DINK”) life sometimes but she’s worth every second of it. It has made me adjust my priorities with work but I am okay with it too. We have decided one is enough though.

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As others have said I don’t think there’s ever a right time. And sometimes people think it’s the right time for them but the universe thinks otherwise. I used to feel scared about having kids too because my sister had two and they ruined her life (read: she ruined her own life raising them poorly), and I had lofty ideas about wanting to travel, get in shape, accomplish xyz, enjoy time with my husband, etc before having kids. Then I started seeing people with kids who practically acted like their best friend -traveling together, laughing, talking, etc- and it helped me realize my life isn’t ending when I have kids, it’s only just beginning and could potentially be so much better. Now I’m so excited to have a kid who will be like a perfect little buddy for me haha but of course if we end up complete opposites I would still love them.

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1st of all, considering your age and the type of birth control used, it might take a year or more to get pregnant. (How ever, at 31, I got pregnant immediately 🤪). 2d- tell no one at work until you are past your 1st trimester or later. 3D- do your research as to OB, Peds and hospital for delivery. Figure out child care- nanny, home daycare, Family, etc. Hubby pushed having 1st at 32. I’m so glad he did. Yes, it totally changed my big firm practice but I’m so happy we did. Had 2d at 42- too old. But, again, roll w the punches and life is wonderful. Just do it

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First was an accident and second was a 3L baby. They make the hard work worth it. But I’m permanently exhausted.

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