Found out my husband had a drink while out with friends. Unsure if it really was just one. And heartbroken he even went to a club and tried to hide it. I understand hanging out with friends, as long

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If he values you and your kids, he should stop drinking and realize that family trumps drinking, drugs and clubs. Also, he should realize that while these habits may bring him short-term satisfaction, they will not benefit him in the long run. Not with Allah swt and definitely not with his children. We all go off-track sometimes in life and it’s then when close friends and family pull us back up. Be that force. Don’t yell or make him feel bad. Just reason with him and no need to make it over dramatic. Finally, introduce him to Pakola. Inshallah he will forget alcohol forever

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OP: I completely understand where you are coming from, trust is something sacred in my eyes. But just to play devil’s advocate here:

1) Aside from the drinking issue, how is your husband generally, as a person?
2) Does he treat you and your family members well?
3) Does he treat the kids well?
4) Would you say he is kind, and overall a good person at heart?

If the answer to the questions above is “yes”, consider the fact that there are larger, more earth shattering issues in the world than “tauba tauba, sharaaaab haraaamzz”

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Look sister. I understand where you are coming from on alcohol. I used to drink and gave up AH but I still feel that some communities make a huge deal out of it. Somehow you sound v Pakistani to me (I'm one too). How much does he drink? Is this a regular habit? Also what makes him hide stuff from you? Are you over religious? Do he worry that sharing stuff like drinking/going to a club with you will cause tension in the relationship?

Also, you might want to get some psychiatric help for him since he has abused drugs before and now has gone down to drinking. He could be suffering from an addiction problem.

Lastly, some habits dont change. My father drank all his life, and my mother never reconciled with that. I hid drinking from my wife till she asked me one day and I told her the truth. My marriage was never the same afterwards. I didnt want to put her through what my mother went through so I quit, but not everyone is like that. If he doesnt quit, like my father was clear he wont, then you dont need to suffer. You work at Deloitte MA, you should think about taking some hard steps to shake him up. Start with professional counselling, use a learned Imam for religious angle, and if need be ask for a temporary seperation to knock some sense into him.

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MC1: I’m Pakistani too, and I agree that the religious folks in our communities see alcohol consumption as a death sentence, pretty much.

They won’t blink an eye on some of the most egregious cases of social injustice, corruption, “haraam ka paisa banaana” but alcohol consumption is an apocalyptic offense.

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I don't think a drink is bad...just let him be honest with you about drinking. Tell him it's ok..the problem people have these days is that they try to control their spouse. No one wants to be controlled. Imagine if he started controlling the time u go out...or who u speak to. I think you should just tell him it's ok, and that he should be able to drink...but not get tipsy or intoxicated. If he's drinking responsibly...it should be fine. I am a Pakistani and I drink. My wife knows it...she does not drink and doesn't want me to...but knows I'm a responsible adult and I only drink when I really want one ..or if im just chilling with my friends and they are all having one. I barely ever drink (maybe once in a few months) and I can drink a lot more

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M2.. your point is clear but your approach is double standard by shaming and attacking those who oppose your view..

You know what is right and wrong. How do I deal? I gave kids and this totally shatters trust

Solid advice from A1 & P1 here.. OP, know that your reward is greater to help another human being get on the right path and also no that bear no blame if you decide to walk away.. as long as her cares to change be the support to get back on the right path but also hold him accountable for the wrong doing by making sure he works to make the repairs! May Allah be by your side both!

We all have different levels of faith and ideas of what’s right and wrong. Maybe you two are not on the same page? I would be more worried about the fact that he hid it from you and isn’t comfortable discussing his actions with you. Step 1: Encourage healthy disagreements and discussions so he doesn’t hide things in fear. Step 2: Talk about value systems and tell him it bothers you that he drinks and see if he’s willing to change.

I did. I told him why wouldn’t he just tell me. I would have told him I was at a club. He admitted that he just kept going down a bad path. And that’s the story he is telling me. Who knows what is true. I don’t care about friends who drink. Meaning that’s their business. But I despise it being in my hand or my husbands. And I thought I had that safety. But apparently not

Can’t help you much with direct advice since I occasionally drink alcohol myself. That being said, I would never hide it from my future wife.

Not sure what the “I gave kids” reference is about. Just because he drinks, doesn’t mean he will be a bad father to his kids.

There is a lot of back story I spoke a bit about above. Me saying I have kids is that I feel trapped in a bad place. I cannot just up and go.

I’m not conservative. Neither am I liberal. But certain things I just can’t mess with. Alcohol being one.

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This isn’t a reason to break a marriage, but it requires deep conversations on your priorities and goals for the marriage

If there is no intent to change this behavior, and you cannot live with that, then there are tough decisions to make

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