Gay guy here. So this post may make you guys play the smallest violin in the world for me but I have nowhere else to ask. I’ve been lifting weights and taking care of my health a lot more. I’ve also started dressing well and taking care of my appearance. So now apparently I’m attractive? But I have crippling social anxiety every time someone talks to me and apparently I have RBF. I’m just a giant nerd otherwise but I’ve found people talking behind my back that I’ve never even (cont)

likeuplifting
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I used to make it a game to find out as much as I could about someone and pretend I’m interested…. And then over time i just started doing it because I wanted to and got to know some really cool people

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(Cont) interacted with because I come off as cold and aloof when in reality I’m panicking inside. I feel weird asking for reassurance from my friends because it feels like fishing for compliments. Helpppp; any tips on small talk or how to not sound so short around people in a public setting? I’m only used to talking about work but I’ve learned that’s boring and I try to stay away from that.

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Alcohol

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You sound like my BF when we met. So some tips on small talk from an introvert: Stick to "THIS" Travel, Hobbies, Interests, Sports. Start there and if there is something you might not know about ask the person. Other people like talking about themselves and you can always use the "OMG Squirrel" to deflect attention and escape. :)

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Alcohol

likehelpful

EY2—we all know that poppers are for when you’re already into it. OP needs to get there first.

Not to be that person but if you’re going for less cold and aloof, just smile more. Give eye contact and nod when people are trying to talk to you.

As for topics, I usually just let people talk about themselves until they try to ask me questions. I personally do not enjoy small talk very much but have little problem with listening to people complain or brag about their life.

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Highly recommend Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people"

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Practice a nice smile, be empathic and polite, ask a lot of questions, try to find something you find interesting of the people you meet and let them tell you more about that. Then, tell a bit of yourself and how that shared thing is interesting for you and wait for feedback or a reply. Repeat. I tend to get less anxious when i find something interesting and can focus.

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You seem like a bit of an introvert. I’m an extrovert myself, and maybe an extrovert might complement you. I like the suggestion that if you don’t like small talk, listen. So it might make you feel easier if you’re not pressured to talk about something and think about looking for a more extroverted person. Most of the guys I’ve dated are usually more introverted (not my current bf, though—who is more of an introverted extrovert) which is fine with me. I could talk forever (which is why I’m a terrible interviewer—if the candidate gets me to talk about myself and seems interested, I think he or she is perfect for the job I’m interviewing him or her for)! So maybe a more extroverted guy might work for you. Though I will say, to quote Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants”, someone I used to date in college (English major) actually, and brilliantly, told me "Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?“ I got the joke, and it was hilarious!

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I'm similar. As someone mentioned just remembered to smile. But honestly, I think "the one" will like you for you

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We can be friends if you want OP! Not everyone talks about others behind your back -

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Same! We can be friends OP

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I had social anxiety and this is how I used to feel. My life improved immensely after I started taking a low dose of Lexapro.

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Same - this is honestly the best move. I was concerned that maybe it would alter me - it didn’t I just don’t feel inhibited to ask questions/speak up

helpful

You sound literally like me. I’ve had the same face all my life, but all of a sudden I start lifting and putting on mass and all of a sudden I’m “attractive” and people wanna talk to me. It’s weird. I agree with the first comment - alcohol. It’s kinda unfortunate that we have to resort to that, but I have to admit it definitely works. I’m super shy and awkward around new people and I get in my head. But drinking (socially) helps me be less inhibited and actually conversational. So try out a couple of happy hours with coworkers or even better, join gay kickball. It’s super easy to play and a very social league. The people are friendly and you always have a team of new people to hangout with on the weekend :)

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Therapy helps. I’d highly recommend it to sort through why you’re having trouble communicating with your peers. It’s also great for building confidence.

Also F whatever people say behind your back.

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Taking DMs K? Hahaha

That seems to be the profile of many people in consulting. Do you prefer strictly dating people outside the industry?

Just let yourself go. You’ll become invisible and won’t have to worry about any of this.

Smile and wave boys, smile and wave

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