Girls I need advice. I’m in love with a friend (Dutch guy) who has a girlfriend. I want to tell him how I feel but I’m afraid I’ll mess up things. I think he is afraid of me being too strong (whatever that means but men keep telling me that) but he texted me before a super important workshop like: “make your audience fell in love with your beautiful smile”. Isn’t that weird? Does he like me? + his voice is always shaking on the phone, but never made a ‘move’... what should I do?

Question

Senior Associate 1 · Accepted Answer

If he has a girlfriend then leave it alone.

Deloitte 1 · Answer

Nothing

Guidehouse 1 · Answer

He has a girlfriend. What's your plan here?

EY 1 · Answer

Do nothing. You'll regret it. Keep him as a friend/ if it's difficult to maintain boundaries then contact each other less frequently... Steer clear of listening to his relationship problems etc.

Accenture 1 · Answer

If there’s no ring involved he’s fair game... share your truth and either it works or it doesn’t

EY 2 · Answer

Maybe his voice shakes because he's afraid of his girlfriend hearing him talk to another woman...

In all seriousness though, stop wasting your time. He probably knows your feelings. Go no contact for a while. If he wanted to be with you, he'd end his current relationship. Your brain is addicted to his guy and you have to find new input. Try signing up for a dating service or getting a hobby.

Deloitte 2 · Answer

Ask yourself if you want to be the kind of person that goes after someone in a relationship.

Date other people, you’ll likely find someone else. Maybe this guy becomes single and you pursue him then. Don’t wait around, and if you answered “no” to the question above, don’t compromise your morals for him.

Boston Consulting Group 1 · Answer

Remember that the only way to snag this guy right now is for both of you to ignore that he has a girlfriend. Then also avoid falling for the fallacy that you’ll be so special in his eyes that he wouldn’t also later ignore that you’re his girlfriend and wander again. It is also quite frankly really disappointing for a woman to go after someone who is not single and also not mature enough to choose to be single if not totally committed. You can do so much better!!

RSM 1 · Answer

https://joinfishbowl.com/bowl_umwsgd

Management Consultant 1 · Answer

And what makes this person so special that you are pouring all this energy into this ?

Deloitte 4 · Answer

If you were his girlfriend would you want him writing that to other women? His behavior isn’t going to change regardless of who he’s dating.

Associate 1 · Answer

I echo what others here have said. Do not engage in his flirtatious behavior. It's not fair to the other woman. And being the "other woman" is not going to feel good. Also...he's afraid of you being too "strong"? RUN my friend.

PwC 2 · Answer

One of my friends was in a similar situation - had liked the guy for a decade plus. Finally just put herself out there and said I can’t be this in between friend, it’s either we try dating or we need to cut ties. She gave him time to think about it and when he came back with his answer they tried pursuing a relationship. Have now been married for almost 10 years. I think you may always think of “what could have been” if you don’t at least put yourself out there. Scary and uncomfortable though for sure!! Good luck, this is hard either way.

Senior Manager 1 · Answer

He’s not into you. Not in a real way. If he were, he’d leave his girlfriend without you prompting. If he can’t figure it out, you don’t want him. This shit works in Rom Coms but in real life it is straight bullshit. Don’t waste your energy on him. Leave him be.

Deloitte 5 · Answer

What will you accomplish by telling him that you have extreme feelings for him, knowing he is emotionally unavailable? A friend telling me I have a beautiful smile would not spin me off the rails to think he likes me, at most he may be tempted. But who wants an emotionally unavailable guy who is in a committed relationship? You deserve an available man that is sure they want to be with you, not crumbs of attention and random friendly compliments from a person who goes to bed every night with his girlfriend. Don’t set yourself up to be a side chick and the other woman, I speak from experience. It’s painful and naive.

Director 1 · Answer

I agree with previous commenters- don’t do anything. If you’re single and he has a gf, then it’s on him to make his own decision and make a move if he wants to (and after he has broken up with his gf). Some things he said that feel weird to you may be due to a language barrier- it could be that he intends these statements to be less charged than they are coming across in English.

Oliver Wyman 1 · Answer

If he’s a good friend, mentioning your smile might have been his way of encouraging you from a place of friendly affection. Keep in mind language differences and how Dutch people communicate. They are way more informal and don’t make such a big dead of language and hidden meanings - meaning it may even look like they’re flirting sometimes when in fact they’re just being friendly and don’t necessarily make more out of it.

Bain & Company 3 · Answer

Hey get as much info as possible, does he satisfy the 3 pillars from Helen Fischer (check her TED talk). Then if you feel it is really worth, investigate how long he has been with his current girlfriend, arrange a situation where you can be alone with him after Covid F2F, play with him. I am afraid if you throw yourself to him you may regret later (let’s say he has got really incurable bad breath) or it is a kind of arranged family marriage that will slap in your face. Preparation and investigation is key here. If you don’t care and want to take the chance, by all means. Hope this helps.

Accenture 2 · Answer

Eww. Respect his relationship and stop being selfish.

Director 2 · Answer

You said he’s Dutch, so he’s probably very direct. I’d say, 
“Luuk, I like you. But you have a girlfriend. If you’re ever single again, let me know so I can take you out. (We can even go Dutch!)”

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