{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Got man-validated over an all-team email. It's like man-splaining but in this case it was a paragraph explaining why the decision I made was right in his eyes. Call it out or rise above it?", "post_id": "5b17dd8ee621d10014d31950", "reply_count": 54, "vote_count": 10, "bowl_id": "5565cfca8b2b9a03009acf57", "bowl_name": "Advertising", "feed_type": "crowd" }

Got man-validated over an all-team email. It's like man-splaining but in this case it was a paragraph explaining why the decision I made was right in his eyes. Call it out or rise above it?

likesmart
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@CD3, OP didn’t create a new word. Mansplaining is a common word in today’s vernacular. I wish I could say I was surprised by the amount of negative posts telling this woman how to feel. This is the problem with our industry. Just because you don’t find something offensive, doesn’t mean it isn’t. You, the (assuming male) CDs who responded to this post don’t get decide what’s ok and what isn’t ok. It’s not up to you. If a marginalized group —women or racial minority—says they feel uncomfortable with something, believe them. Because you’ll never be in their shoes; nor will you truly understand the nuances that make them feel that way. OP’s reaction comes from years of learning how to be keenly aware of microaggressions to protect yourself in life and your career. You, sirs, luckily have the privilege of not having to “read too much into” everything. Maybe try having some compassion for those of us who do.

likesmart

@CD3 I think part of the problem is your opinion that it isn’t a gender fight when OP thinks it is. Agreed, OP’s coworker is definitely coming off pretty douchey—whether he intends to or not. But, mansplaining, or OP’s new take on the word, isn’t something most men do maliciously or intentionally. I truly believe it’s the centuries-long result of men being told they’re smarter than women, stronger than women, etc. So, to @CD4’s point, even if 90% of men consciously consider themselves pro-woman, there’s a 99.9% chance they’ll slip up and say something to perpetuate the inequality cycle at some point. We call it out to help men learn. Not to shame or say all men are bad. It teaches those who aren’t in our shoes what’s acceptable, and what’s not. Because, like I said before, if you don’t have to deal with those nuances everyday, how would you know?

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Gotcha so they tried to take your good work and turn it into a teaching moment for you and the team but instead you want to turn it into some sort of social justice issue. My advice is to look at things more positively instead of looking for fault.

likesmart

@OP The “check your work” one definitely made me cringe, even though he might have been lending a helping hand. The paragraph explaining why you’re right sounds like he was attempting to give you back up. It seems like this guy has the right idea. But the execution is off. For that reason, I’d save your outrage for someone who doesn’t even mean well, or for an instance where his ignorance really crosses the line.

likesmart

@LB1 it's the choice of words. Help me out is one thing. The phrase "check your work" is a whole different story. That's what man-splaining is. It's not being conscious of the fact that you're being completing condescending to a woman who knows more about a subject than you do.

likesmart

OP, your context comment literally reads "when I started on this account this guy who was already on the account offered to help me out." Are you sure he's not just being helpful?

likesmarthelpful

For context, this guy pulls crap like this all the time. He's my equivalent in the account department and told me when I joined the account that he would be available to "check my work" when my group director wasn't around.

funnylike

I think you are overthinking this. He agreed with you. Great. Be happy. Or did he agree with you because your woman rightness is not enough and everyone else was waiting for a man blessing what the woman said? Relax a but. If that man was a woman would you be pissed because she woman-validated you imposing a superior class of women on top of your simple woman-being? Sorry but you are reading too much into everything.

likeuplifting

@SRW it would be one thing to just agree with me. It's another to explain my decision back to me as if he had made it himself.

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This reads like weaponized, gendered, socially conditioned victimhood. And I can't see a woman with a victim mindset or thin skin making director in this business. So I assume this was an extremely frustrating moment. Thing is, you may be rightfully annoyed by a colleague stealing your credit. Or you may be wrong to take unnecessary offense at clumsy praise. Either way this sort if gendered outrage feeds a growing, rational and deeply unhelpful fear many men have of interacting with women at all. Take gender out it and this could be a very useful, scalable critique.

likesmart

@LB1 maybe if this was from anyone else in the world and it was a "teaching moment" situation. This guy pulls this shit all the time. He routinely takes credit for the ideas of others and is condescending AF to all the women on the team. He doesn't need to "teach" me anything about the strategy. I'm the expert in my field.

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@CD1 I'm not, and I don't need you to validate whether or not I should feel offended. I used the word "man-splain" because it's common shorthand for talking over someone who has more expertise in a field than you. Take gender out of it if that's the part that bothers you, though it's a very real problem in our industry and beyond. I wrote something that was very clear and needed no explanation. I know that, because I work on a team of very smart people and it was a super simple concept. As is true to form this person explained my thought process back to me as if I hadn't thought about it myself or clearly outlined it in the deck. This is the same person who makes jokes about me being pregnant in front of my department head (I'm not). Tell me he respects women and what they go through in their careers? If you want to argue the term "man-splaining" that's fine, but I'm not overthinking anything. My male boss saw his email and was equally put off by it. I just needed to be talked out of a petty response.

likesmart

The industry is full of blowhards. I’ve worked for many. He seems insecure as he is riding your coattails right now. The downside seems pretty clear to me: you risk coming across small and petty, or you provoke him to be out to get you in the future. What is the upside in your eyes? What outcome do you want to inspire or prevent in future such moments? Figure that out then determine how to act.

likesmart

Thanks, guys! It's hard to convey without the full context, but I was justified in being offended. I'm not the overly sensitive type. I'm a smart woman with a firm grasp on how power structures work. This guy is not a bad person, but he's clueless and doesn't attempt to check his privilege or raise people up around him. I really appreciate people talking me down. I needed it. This was partially a rage post because I had no other outlet when I woke up, but as I was rage washing my hair in the shower I organized some rules for myself. When it happens to me I'll let it roll off my shoulders unless it really crosses the line, but when I see it happening to other people I will not hesitate to (professionally) call that shit out. Woman or man, thinking is our currency in this business and nobody deserves to be undermined even if the intentions behind it are good. It's been a productive morning? I also wouldn't be surprised to hear a response email from my boss later. He also has little tolerance for these kind of things and is familiar with this guy's track record. Thanks again!

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Not sure what you're saying. He agreed with your decision in front of others in email? Are you taking a very normal thing as a unsolicited or unnecessary response? Or did he only do it so he could raise his clout among you all?

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sounds like the guy is being unintentionally patronizing. don’t need to blanket insult a whole gender by creating a new word.

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Why are these responses so long. It was a total dick move. A classic dick move, in fact. Op- people who do that are usually slackers who talk a big game. Outwork this dude and get promoted to being his boss.

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@OP also there are a lot of hurt men on this thread. Please ignore them and know your feelings and term is valid

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I've never seen so many people tripping because a person agreed with them. I think men and women both need to stop being so sensitive, nobody is gonna kiss your ass and do everything the exact way you want. It seems to be lots of hurt women AND men in this thread. Trust me, I understand all too well about bullshit in the industry and society, but come on you all. This is crazy.

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Thanks @ACD1, I think that's what I needed to hear!

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OP If you’re so certain about the validity of you being upset why don’t you approach him or his superior and share how he offended you. Or is it so that you deep inside know that you’re overreacting and therefor going on to FB to vent instead? Looking for echo chamber support of your perceived gender-based mistreatment? While humble bragging your own achievement while you’re at it. (eyeroll)

likefunny

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Posting from the top side.

Maybe we should implement something like automatic posts refresh? I got a notification about "someone like mypost" but it isn't displaying at the post title...

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Testing for sound!

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Ah now it did.

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Not crashing anymore.

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My company is now displaying!

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But once again not posting

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The anxiety doesn't stop. Project restricted to 40 billable hours, but have to work tomorrow because we just have too much to do. Overworked and underutilized. Eff me.

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What is your go-to phrase when you’re really annoyed but can’t show it?

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What are salary ranges for "consultant" / "senior" level folks?

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What are the best things to take advantage of while at a big 4, prior to leaving?

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Had a convo with a friend and I didn't know sex in the workplace (in the actual place of work) was an actual thing. But I do remember seeing someone take a dick pic under his desk at a client.

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Does anyone have updates on the H1b visa lottery?!?!

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