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Got man-validated over an all-team email. It's like man-splaining but in this case it was a paragraph explaining why the decision I made was right in his eyes. Call it out or rise above it?

likesmart
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@CD3, OP didn’t create a new word. Mansplaining is a common word in today’s vernacular. I wish I could say I was surprised by the amount of negative posts telling this woman how to feel. This is the problem with our industry. Just because you don’t find something offensive, doesn’t mean it isn’t. You, the (assuming male) CDs who responded to this post don’t get decide what’s ok and what isn’t ok. It’s not up to you. If a marginalized group
—women or racial minority—says they feel uncomfortable with something, believe them. Because you’ll never be in their shoes; nor will you truly understand the nuances that make them feel that way. OP’s reaction comes from years of learning how to be keenly aware of microaggressions to protect yourself in life and your career. You, sirs, luckily have the privilege of not having to “read too much into” everything. Maybe try having some compassion for those of us who do.

likesmart

@CD3 I think part of the problem is your opinion that it isn’t a gender fight when OP thinks it is. Agreed, OP’s coworker is definitely coming off pretty douchey—whether he intends to or not. But, mansplaining, or OP’s new take on the word, isn’t something most men do maliciously or intentionally. I truly believe it’s the centuries-long result of men being told they’re smarter than women, stronger than women, etc. So, to @CD4’s point, even if 90% of men consciously consider themselves pro-woman, there’s a 99.9% chance they’ll slip up and say something to perpetuate the inequality cycle at some point.

We call it out to help men learn. Not to shame or say all men are bad. It teaches those who aren’t in our shoes what’s acceptable, and what’s not. Because, like I said before, if you don’t have to deal with those nuances everyday, how would you know?

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@ACD1 - i’ve never heard of “man-validating”.

i think the issue in this thread is that OP made it a gender fight when it seems like this person is just a douche, and doing that clouds the conversation.

also, she asked our opinion on the matter, so...was this all a trap?

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@CD3 You're right about that. And I didn't create the word. It's a common enough occurrence that it has entered the cultural vernacular.

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I guess my question is, how can you be sure that if a man is explaining something to you, he's doing it only because you're a woman? What is it called when men explain things to men? Or when women explain things to men?

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Does that count as fem-splaining?

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Wow - what an ovaryaction

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@CD3 I would also say that I regret my choice of words. Let's call it jerk-splaining. Lots of people do it, but in my experience it's far more likely to happen with men.

likefunny

I am having the same exact issue with a new hire recently. He feels the need to share his opinion on everything I do or say. He even feels the need to give his approval on my vocabulary. It's very condescending and difficult to deal with because I know he doesn't mean anything bad by it. But his behavior also suggests that he thinks he is better than me. op I'm glad you posted this because I've been struggling to articulate my frustration and (apparently rightly so) feared people who dislike critic of certain gender related bias to label me as a social justice warrior, for simply pointing out BS as BS.

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Also the reason people have coined the term "man-splaining" is because it is describing a different form of condensention. It's unique from someone being purely patronizing in that it is motivated by a deep rooted societal bias against women in favor of men (I also believe men are also damaged by gender bias but in different ways. It's a whole fucked up system) . It is not a term that picks a fight with all men but rather attempts to point out a gender related societal bias that is not obvious at first glance, especially for those who may never experience something like this. This term is trying to communicate that it is more than just a jackass patronizing everyone but something acting based on gender bias. Is it not important to identify and define the issue if you seek change and improvement?

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I would say you can't really say someone is man-splaining something to you based off of one encounter with that person. At least not fairly. They may just be an all around asshole to everyone. They may have poorly communicated this one time. You may just be in a shit mood and are taking things the wrong way. I personally would only call man-splaining if that individual has exhibited sexist behavior previously and /or does not maintain the same rhetoric with their male counterparts.

If it's is a man explaining something in a condensending manner to another male, I would say he is patronizing him.

If it's a women to a man I would again use the term patronizing.

The core reason for the distinction is because some men talk down to women, for the core reason they are women whether it because they are straight up sexist assholes or good guys brought up in a society that historically treated women as second class citizens a
and tells men they masculinity and worth is tied to their ability to dominate, be in control, "be a man" resulting in sutble, unintentional and underlying bias.

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Hear hear CD7

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Holy fucking fuck was that painful to read. To all the men going on about justice and equality, there is not a single woman who wouldn't know exactly what OP is talking about or sit here contemplating whether we need more examples to establish a pattern of behavior that would demonstrate objective proof of OP's observation. What all men fail to HEAR is that you can't know the feeling of that which you've never experienced. The multiple #NotAllMen or #AllLivesMatter style defensive responses only further demonstrate if not mansplaining itself, then at least the core difficulty of becoming self aware of your own ignorance or privilege. Ffs, the fact that men on this thread are saying OP is too sensitive or over reacting is soul crushing to witness as it's one of THE biggest unconscious methods of the patriarchy to put women down. This shit only appears in female performance reviews and is the epitome of male ignorance of the female experience. Please ask your wives or mothers instead about this shit. Of course you're not going to know about mansplaining if you're a man. Don't try to explain back to women how mansplaining is not really mansplaining, that's incredibly insulting and further validates our experience that you don't care and you don't care to learn or understand because you're not hearing us. That's like white people saying they don't see color (lol) or talking about reverse racism. If you are from the dominant or privileged group, chances are you're naturally not aware of it and you thus don't perceive it as an issue because it isn't..for you. It's extremely hard to transcend your self or ego and empathize with another's experience. Often it's impossible fully. Most of us all belong to various dominant groups whether white or straight or college educated or citizen versus immigrant or able bodied versus physically disabled. I can go on. Check yourselves, people. And read up some basic info on power, rank, privilege, micro aggressions, etc. This stuff is widely discussed and explained in sociology anthropology geopolitics economics psychology and all sorts of sciences. This is not some new made up shit, it's just that broader society is starting to wake up to it.

likesmart

Fem-plaining about man-validating is beneath a strategy director.

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Omg...the drama, the sensitivity, this is great.

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This was a group email, yes? By him talking through your thought process, he gave the wider team another way to understand. Sometimes people who have more experience with a team know what will resonate. I wouldn’t take it as an offense

likesmart

@CD2 I am on a team. And I didn't respond because of that but I still have the right to be angry. I'm also a leader on the team and need to set an example for junior people and let them know that it's not okay to treat people the way I've been treated.

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If you approached him in good faith to discuss how he has upset you, what do you think would happen?

I ask because regardless of how meritorious your anger is, the right thing to do is to give him a chance to improve how he works with you.

And the idea that “he should know better” is naive. People (especially men, sure) don’t know better

If you give him a chance and he doesn’t change his offensive behavior, then fuck him.

You say you’re a leader, but just having the title doesn’t make it so. Don’t let his obnoxious and vile behavior drag you down, ruin your day and drive you to rage - the example that sets is terrible.

Trust me: letting it get to you so much shows, and it makes you look weak

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Mansplaining might be common vernacular but that doesn't mean it's okay. It's a sweeping gender stereotype that's been fueling today's toxic workplace.

Equality means just that, equal.

Switch the gender and see if it sounds okay.

Most modern men are trying to do it right and hearing mansplaining every other post is disheartening. I guarantee you 90 percent of men are on the greater side of equality and regard for other voices.

If he was unintentionally patronizing than just say he was patronizing.

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^ Brobused. Brolittled. Brosparaged.
Sorry if this sounds like brosplaining.

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I'm just trying to fully understand both POVs

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