Got the whole "my life will be so much better if I'm divorced. I can marry again, have kids again" "you'll have to live in fear so whoever you end up marrying doesn't leave you" speech from my spouse.
Context - we were discussing divorce & custody and he just sidelined the convo into this.
I didn't feel nervous when he was saying this but now it's making me think if it'll be really that much tougher for me as a woman/single mom to find love again... 🙄😕

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I was married at 27, divorced at 45. Found the absolute love of my life at 48. It can happen!

likeupliftinghelpful

Thank you. This made me smile :)

When I was 25 I got into an arranged marriage with someone and married when I was 26. He was abusive in every way shape and form. However he was all I knew and I had low self esteem and accepted mistreatment. He used me for a green card and left me. He was a dr in india but in the us, he didn’t pass his usmle and will never be a dr. When he left me I was trying my absolute best to make the marriage work. It’s 4 years now. In 4 years these are honestly the best times of my life. I got Invisalign, lost 150lb through diet and excersize ( he would never let me go to the gym and I realize now that he was purposely getting me fat by over ordering fatty foods and sweets). I swim about 1 hour a day before covid. It would have never happened with him. I passed my cpa exam. Saved a year emergency fund and renovated my house. I went to 2 countries and got laser hair removal. I even got into learning a new language and gardening as a hobby.

My point it my life is so much better, have I found the right person? Not yet, but not being with a chaotic person is so fucking freeing. And also what kind of ass says this to someone? He is either going to leave you or is trying to gaslight you to stay. It’s mental abuse. A single mom is hard, but it’s better than being with someone mean.

Everything positive in my life is after i was no longer married to him. Oh and my ex husband? Ha, he is 43, living with roommates in a bad part of town, with no career. He drives Uber. Nothing against Uber, but he used to talk down to me saying he will be so rich and make so much money. He is barely surviving. He tried to contact me and I blocked his number

likeupliftingsmartfunny

Going to repeat others' - you are a true inspiration. Can I DM you if you don't mind?

likesmart
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Sounds like gaslighting

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It is. He thinks how's that possible... I'm so well educated and well read and smart and do well. Who TF can anyone not be enamored 24/7

This is emotional abuse. It doesn’t matter if it’s tough or not to find love at any age. You don’t have love now.

likesmartupliftinghelpful

This!

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Tell him he’s getting full custody of the kids and you will be the carefree single woman!

He sounds like a complete selfish a—hole and you will be better off without him.

likeuplifting

No way. Fight for full custody of your children. They aren’t pawns or punishment. But you know what they do come with? Child support. Get a shark lawyer.

And she lived happily ever after. 💕

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Also, you don’t HAVE to find a partner to have a full and successful life. You are worthy as you are.

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I hear that. My parents divorced when my mom was 36 and she didn’t remarry. Raising me I’m sure wasn’t easy, but she was a great mom despite us having financial struggles. She was successful at her job post-divorce, bought her first house at 50, and has led a social, fun, and kind life. She really struggled with being by herself, but it made her more resilient. It’s great if you find a partner post-divorce, but the alternative isn’t considering losing either. It’s so hard, but you also don’t deserve a life where you are being diminished.

Why are you getting divorced. Based on what you said, doesn’t look great for the husband - but some more detail may be worthwhile.

Regarding “find love again”.... is it gonna be as easy to get men’s attention as it was when you were 23? No. But it’s not impossible.

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I am pushing 40 and have two children (one of them just became a teenager). Though I’m happily married, I still turn heads and have to say no thanks to guys. Women are like fine wine. OP will have prospects if/when she’s ready to date/love again.

likeuplifting

You guys are all awesome. Thank you! I couldn't sleep last night and posted at 4am. Popped an amby to forget all about it. Didn't really think I'd wake up to so many responses.
Whatever the context or reasoning of divorce is, why would you keep saying such things. "I can live like a king without you", "look how weak your position is - how do you not realize it"

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Thank you for the book suggestion!! Yes - I'm more convinced I need to be on my own because of this constant projection & gaslighting!

You will be safer and happier without someone emotionally manipulating you. That safety and happiness will surprise you in its scale, and it will shine thru and empower you when you’re dating again.

I promise you — it’ll be a huge asset.

likehelpful

He sounds emotionally abusive and just mean.

I was 43, my husband 50, when we married. We’re great friends, lovers, and enjoy each other’s company as well as respect and value that we each have full rich lives outside of the marriage. Our identities and happiness are not tied to “being married.”

To me, we seem happier than almost any of the couples we know.

Happiness comes from inside you. You can be happy alone, you can be happy in a good relationship. You can’t be happy with a jerk.

likeuplifting

I got divorced from my sex addict ex-husband after 10 years together. I got a therapist and focused on me.

And now I’m married to my best friend (and high school secret crush) from high school and we have three beautiful children.

Happiness is attractive.

likeupliftinghelpful

This. Real life sories like these, make me so happy. They make me believe again...! They give me hope!

Not sure if this is helpful. But as a 31 yo divorced woman, I got a lot of interest from young (22 and younger) guys on dating apps. Also from mid and late 20 yos, so that's nonsense. It does help to be good looking though.

likehelpful

It definitely helps! Thank you so much for your support!

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I’m curious.. what was it you saw in him when you first got married? I’m curious about all marriages where people end up with toxic people like this? Did you see the warning signs?

Don’t ever choose to stay out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of never finding love again. Operate out of love. Love for yourself, especially. Do yourself a favor and kindly remove yourself from this destructive man.

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How does that work, OP? Truly asking as arranged marriage is not at all cultural for me. If your marriage was arranged for you, is divorce then that much more difficult as well? (Not saying divorce is easy for anyone; just curious if there are additional familial and cultural barriers for you).

I can’t imagine having to live with or co-parent with someone who sounds so hateful. You sound very brave.

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I’m single and ready to mingle 😉

likefunny

Do tell ;-)

Don’t listen to that noise

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Statistically speaking men are happier married and women are happier single

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This. Exactly this. I have always felt alone on this journey having to handle everything. And why shouldn't I do it when I don't have to be under some kind of a "contract"

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Divorce that zero and find you a hero.

likefunny

Chin up, OP, don't let a fragile male ego get you down.
You do not need "to find love again." It's a myth that romantic love is needed to have a fulfilling relationship.
Successful marriages need common decency, mutual respect, affection, and friendship. Look at the billions of arranged marriages in India.

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Thank you so much. I'm in a much better shape than I was 5 months ago. At that time, this conversation would have had me in tears or hit me with anxiety but now I just chill, let him gloat and stick to the point

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Doing what’s best of yourself in this situation is what’s important I heard a quote once “Too many people spend all of their time looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person”. Don’t worry about it, just be the right person and love will find you. And if it doesn’t it’s pretty frickin cool being totally independent. You always have the love of yourself

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That is so true. It's hard to stay on that track though because as humans we are just so wired to be with someone else.
But, absolutely agree the need to love myself before anyone else does.

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Doctor Ramani, a licensed psychologist and Rebecca Zung, a family law attorney have helpful YouTubes on divorce from a narcissist and the manipulations they use. Listening with help prepare you for the craziness that is likely to happen with suggestions to mitigate the worse effects.

Doctor Ramani has many short YouTubes on narcissism and relationships from several angles. Your cited experience is classic and described in her presentations.

Best wishes. It is darkest before the dawn.

Thank you so much! Will check those out. Love "it's darkest before dawn" - I think I need to remind myself of that more often

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