{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Grass is Greener on The Other Side Syndrome - Advice Needed\n\nI’m a 24 year old man with a 27 year old gf, have been dating a year and a half and we live together since January (in a house I own alone).\n\nThis will sound obnoxious but is the heart of the issue. I am very intelligent and always have been growing up (skipped years in school, currently doing my second part time masters and have been a straight A student my whole life). I am also a very high performer in work with high aspirations…", "post_id": "62e6859aac49d900268b1dc7", "reply_count": 43, "vote_count": 1, "bowl_id": "5d475bfdd0eb1200219e2742", "bowl_name": "Relationships", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Grass is Greener on The Other Side Syndrome - Advice Needed

I’m a 24 year old man with a 27 year old gf, have been dating a year and a half and we live together since January (in a house I own alone).

This will sound obnoxious but is the heart of the issue. I am very intelligent and always have been growing up (skipped years in school, currently doing my second part time masters and have been a straight A student my whole life). I am also a very high performer in work with high aspirations…

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It seems like you have a more narrow point of view on intelligence. Does she have better social skills and emotional intelligence than you? Sometimes a blend of intelligence is better than someone who can ace an exam. As far as ambition, I think if her ambitions are obtainable and financially responsible, I don’t see anything wrong with her path. Also not to knock you down, you’re 24, you’ve only been working for at most 2yrs. Every consultant thinks they’re hot shit at that age.

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As guy myself, I really don't understand what intelligence has got to do with feelings. Listen young man, you can fall in love with anyone regardless of their level of intelligence or looks. You alone know what you feel for your girlfriend. If you love her and she loves you too, I see no reason for a breakup. You're nerdy while she's more sociable, that means you 2 complement each other which is good. If you don't love her then just leave her so she can meet someone who would. Simple.

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Word! Was wondering what intellect had to do with anything. You either love her or you don't. You don't need to have mutual interests to love someone.

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Can you find someone else to talk "nerdy" topics with ? Ultimately, what do you want from a romantic relationship / wife / partner? One person can't be your everything, contrary to mainstream belief... It's healthier to have different groups of people / friends to fulfil different needs. I would think long and hard about what kind of life you would want with another person before condescending and threatening to break up...

likesmart

CO1, I also live in a large enough city (~500k population) and I’d also be typically attractive (9 years training in the gym and I do fashion/commercial modelling on the side with large brands). Never had luck with dating apps but met my girlfriend through friend of a friend.

I’ll have some thinking to do over the next few weeks and will be having some conversations about how im feeling, just trying to approach it cautiously as im the type of person that doesn’t want to hurt someone that has done nothing wrong
Thanks for your input

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Sounds like you don't truly love her. Break up with her and find someone else who you deem as "intelligent" as yourself. She deserves better.

likesmart

I’ve been questioning myself about this. If I’m feeling this way, do I still love her? Maybe I am just attached to her because we have been living together with the initial feelings of infatuation dissipated, and I fear a breakup would be painful for both of us to go through (more for her)
These things have been on my mind

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My gf is also very attractive, has a professional job but would not be deemed a high performer, struggles with her jobs and exams for professional qualifications (fails most exams). Always struggled with school.
She is also a social media influencer and makes money on the side with that, and long-term sees herself doing something social-media related and not corporate.

I’m starting to question if I want to be with someone that isn’t on my level intellectually and someone I can’t talk about “nerdy” topics with. I’m starting the notice the difference in ambition also. I feel guilty for thinking there is someone more compatible out there for me (and someone that I actually may know seems to be ticking the boxes).

Am I an asshole for feeling this way? Should I stick with her because she loves me and has done nothing wrong? Or try find someone who is more compatible?

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Just to provide some insight on this, I'm 26F and am educated. I loved doing my bachelors and masters and even though I left the field, I still write and publish scholarly articles and attend academic conferences to discuss my/new theories in the field. I'm also someone who's super nerdy.

I dated a 33M who held a blue collar job, didn't finish college and who was hot af but didn't understand a lot of concepts I thought were simple even without going into the nerdy stuff. I had to explain a lot to him and when I discussed nerdy things, I made it very simple so he could understand but he never really got it. However, we had fun together. The things he didn't understand, I explained it to him. He asked questions and I taught him. Similarly, he knew a lot about things I didn't know about. Like how to start a fire or hockey camp. We taught each other things and we learned together. He taught me things he thought were simple like how to skip rocks. I taught him about biopolitics and intersectionality. We never became experts or even cared very much about the topics. It was just fun being with him and talking with him. We just enjoyed each other's company.

I later went on one date with someone who was able to hold intellectual conversations. He understood everything I was saying to a high degree and was able to contribute to the conversation. We both referenced academic works and cited multiple theories to form our conclusions. It was fun being able to discuss these things with someone who had a romantic interest in me. The problem was that by the end of the conversation, I felt drained. It felt like I was speaking to a colleague and I didn't feel like I was having fun with my best friend. Although he was intelligent, it wasn't something that made me connect with him.

Maybe you will feel a connection with someone who is intelligent and ambitious like you. Which is understandable but the way you're wording it it makes it sound like you've lost interest in your SO and you want to point out her worse qualities so you feel justified. Which isn't fair. It's okay to want someone who connects intellectually but I don't think it's cool to make it sound like it's her fault for being dumb which is why you lost interest. Which is how this post is coming off. Either way, if you're not feeling it anymore, you don't need to find excuses. Just break it off with her and find someone you do connect with.

TL;DR: Yes. You're being an AH and you can end a relationship just for the sake of ending a relationship.

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You are not an asshole for thinking/feeling this way. It’s good that you are understanding what is important to you. Ultimately if any person is not getting out of a relationship what they are looking for that is something they need to seriously evaluate. If it bothers you today it will definitely bother you in the long run. It’s not a simple thing that you can overlook.

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Just be honest. You don’t have to be explicit but just say your priorities for what you are looking for in a partner/relationship have changed and you’re not sure if this meets that any longer. It’s a difficult conversation to have but the truth is the truth and any partner, man or woman, would appreciate that honesty. It will sting in the moment but it is better in the long run.

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IMO, the way you’re articulating this scenario conveys immaturity on your part. Independent and regardless that observation, intellectual chemistry is just as important as all other forms of chemistry. So no, not necessarily the asshole.

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Seems like you have a stable and self aware mind. Use it to assess your feelings vs making conclusions about your relationship in advance. If you break up and end up with someone else, you don't want to realize that what you have with your GF now is no deal breaker, while you have to "compromise" with non-negotiables with the new person.

You sound like you know exactly what you want and the kind of person you want to be with. You are asking for an opinion on how to deal with guilt.
You are both young and not too deep into this. Preferences change when you evolve as an individual. And in a relationship you have to evolve together.
My 2c, don’t wasted and ruin two peoples life because of guilt. Be honest with her and just move on. It will hurt now, but that’s better than creating repeating pain, hurt, anxiety.

likesmart

Bring it to your GF and discuss with her. Only then decide, not before. It involves two lives. Also, remember a sign of maturity is integrity and companionship.

I'm going to post something unpopular.

How do you feel about children? Do you want the highest performing children (intellectually speaking).

Intelligence is genetic. This shouldn't be the only determining factor for this decision. But it is something to put on the pros/cons list.

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Agreed M2. Foundations are made by value systems in most cases, if one wants a long-term relationship.

The other piece that I think warrants a conversation if you decide to proceed before getting married would be your future children's relationship with social media. It's becoming more and more clear that social media isn't good for kids. Is your gf going to be ok having the kids less involved in what she does/ ok with stepping away from her influencer persona to model a healthy relationship with media when the kids are around? Given that she wants to go full time influencer, I'd want some clarity around these points.

As for listening to your mother, if you find that your values system is similar to your parents it wouldn't hurt to hear their advice right? But more importantly surround yourself with a few people you respect that you will allow to breath influence into your life.

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I once dated a lifestyle influencer for a year, can relate and will never do that again! In my case, there was some narcissism involved too as I assume having thousands of people drooling over your posts may mess up with your head.

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Find a new one, if you were feeling the need to look elsewhere that tells you something is up. Better to break at a year and a half than 3. You're 24, why tie yourself to a life that isn't giving all you want it to.

Weird post dude. The relationship either works for you or it doesn’t. You decide. All the best

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