Grieving a long term relationship that just ended … thought it was ending in marriage. For those that have been married for a long time (any age group). Can you please share some of your wisdom towards sustaining a marriage for these many years and handling hard times ?

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Principal 2 is way more articulate and thoughtful than I am since I don’t have a well synthesized list, but have been married nearly 20 years so must be doing something right.

1. Let things go: there will be plenty you don’t agree on. Figure out what’s important to argue about and what to let go of. What are the real dealbreakers?

2. Force yourself to create a counter argument for your own views: What is the reason why your perspective could be wrong and your SO could be right, even if ultimately you don’t agree?

3. Discuss the big things early: Religion, kids and how to raise them, financial management are all third rail topics. People sometimes wait for too long to raise these. Better to get them out of the way even if could mean ending an otherwise good relationship

4. Don’t take the relationship for granted: After years in a relationship, it can be easy for each party to lapse into sloppy habits, inattention, taking the SO for granted. Long-term relationships need work, and we’ve encountered some who haven’t nurtured them that way. Sometimes the gaps may be masked by distractions; we’ve seen examples in our peer group who became empty nesters and suddenly found that they had grown far apart over the years, and the kids had been their distraction that kept them glued together.

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1) Communication - can’t say it enough. Keep talking about anything and everything and be open to their ideas and opinions

2) give the space and freedom for growth. When you meet someone, that’s just the beginning of the journey, they are going to evolve in new/ wonderful/ annoying ways for the rest of your lives. The trick is to evolve together (sometimes you will feel very close and sometimes you won’t, and that’s ok)

3) resilience - there will be bad times, but you have to believe that your relationship is worth it and simply stick it out even when it feels like the best thing to do would be to end it

4) keep dating each other - we all need attention and love, don’t take your other half for granted just because you’re married

likesmarthelpful

The secret to a long marriage is neither one of you wanting to get divorced at exactly the same time.

likefunny

I’m 20 years in and believe every word of it. It’s wonderful, maddening, infuriating, all at the same time.

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Time my friend and go live close to family if possible

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Just wanted to say Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest in your responses . Just really appreciate this , I sincerely do.

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It’s too raw to discuss at the moment . Maybe in time …
My post/question was more about - You guys. The ones who have been married for many years . What are some learnings / wisdom you’ll can share to sustain your marriage or partnership after all these years you’ll have been together ? How do you’ll handle hard times / challenges? Your shortcomings vs your partners shortcomings? I’d really appreciate your wisdom.

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The one learning I will give you, especially after very bad long-term break up, is: You’ll know when it’s the one. There will be no uncertainty. It will take work- but it won’t feel like work because you’ll love what you’re there for. And he/she will put the same effort as you.

likeuplifting

PM, you will get through this. And find someone who loves you and whom you love being with. It takes work like all good things in life. You will doubtless get there

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What were the reasons for the breakup and who called the breakup?

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At my uncles wedding in Madrid I remember lying down on the grass in the courtyard after their first dance and crying, my Dad came and saw me, laid down in his suit beside me and asked what was wrong.

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likeupliftingfunny

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