{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Had a pretty traumatic labor and I am 10 days post partum. I am generally sensitive and emotional , and though I had an easy pregnancy through out the entire pregnancy me and husband fought a lot as we were stuck in home due to pandemic. He was very supportive during labor and promised never to fight or use harsh words. Fast forward today - he tells I am supposed to be grateful to him on how great parent he is, etc. and the reasons he fights with me are valid as i am dramatic and selfish. Contd.", "post_id": "60f643911bfa370020110622", "reply_count": 16, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "5a0c9a1f61b01a001937c406", "bowl_name": "Working Moms" }

Had a pretty traumatic labor and I am 10 days post partum. I am generally sensitive and emotional , and though I had an easy pregnancy through out the entire pregnancy me and husband fought a lot as we were stuck in home due to pandemic. He was very supportive during labor and promised never to fight or use harsh words. Fast forward today - he tells I am supposed to be grateful to him on how great parent he is, etc. and the reasons he fights with me are valid as i am dramatic and selfish. Contd.

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He probably changes diaper for the baby twice a day and hasn’t been awake a single night with the baby. I am seriously confused why he needs an award.

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Hang in there. Laugh when you can. I promise it gets so much easier! Just survive and get thru this 4th trimester as they call it. Everyone hates their spouse during this time at some point even for a hot minute. You can love and hate him at the same time :) You can also remind him the baby is his full responsibility too and you didn’t sign up to be doing this all on your own! You got this! - EY gal who just survived a 4th trimester

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He thinks he deserves an award because this is what our society messages to him. My husband has been told "you're such a good dad" so many times when he has taken the baby on a walk or something. Strangely enough, I have never received such accolades. It is frustrating, and I am sorry you are having to deal with that attitude from your partner, especially at what is always a difficult time. I hope that you feel you can tell him what you need, whether that is splitting the night feeds, doing the diapers after you do the feeds, or whatever. Then, when he steps up, he can have some positive reinforcement.

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Although we would like to think the 4th trimester would be everyone rallying around to support mom.. this is unrealistic . Which from a mother’s perspective is obvious.. JUST sHOT A BABY OUT OF MY BODY . Hormones . Night sweats. Bloody nipples . Etc. But if a spouse hasn’t been conditioned for it, you’ll be disappointed. They will compare what they did before the baby and what they do now ( which is obvious to them as a big change /work) . And like the simple humans they are .. they NEED to be told they are doing great and how much we NEED them . Stroke the ego , save yourself the fight , find ways to let your walls down & let them to do the same

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Or leave him with the baby for 24 hours. He'll have an epiphany.

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The year after childbirth was the most emotionally porous I’d ever been. It’s different. Be gentle on you and give yourself some grace. You just held the space for a soul to enter the physical realm. You’re in the space between the space. It gets easier. Surrender. 💞

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I'm so sorry to hear this momma. Your husband needs a wake up call slap in the face, maybe from his parents? Even if that's how he feels, he needs to be more mindful and loving during these 6 weeks of recovery out of respect for you. His ego is hardly what matters right now. Nothing, literally nothing, he does can even compare to what you just went through! I'm two weeks PP after a difficult pregnancy and delivery as well and currently have my parents around and husband taking 2 weeks off so I can rest, and I'm still exhausted just feeding and recovering. Hubby does night duty, all dirty diapers and all chores (laundry, getting groceries, cleaning bottles) for me. Parents cook for us, take care of our dog, watch the baby during parts of the day and are both WFH right now. You are a super hero and need to rest and do less. Hire outside help or ask another family member if your husband refuses be useful and actually supportive (especially emotionally).

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For the record in not trying to brag or make anyone feel bad. I'm trying to show that you should expect much much much more from your hubby. Changing a few diapers and sleeping through the night is not okay by any means and OP is spot on for how she feels. This man needs to get it together because there are other men (like my husband) stepping up ands supporting their wives during this difficult phase. Get it together Mr.OP

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I agree with all the comments below. 100%. That said, my husband told me for the first eight weeks when our first was born was that every time she cried he would have this flight out fight reaction, because if he was helping me he couldn't make her stop crying. I found out later that he felt so terrible about it and was worried enough that he researched it, and it's a common thing. When a newborn cries, it wants its momma, so men feel that they can't help and let's be honest, no one wants to change dirty diapers. *Just as an aside, I didn't know any of this at the time and I went back to traveling at nine weeks. He said there were many times he would put her in her crib and walk away because he was afraid of the alternative. They didn't get our hormones and they are problem solvers (usually), and it does something to their psyche when they can't solve things. If you can broach the question easily to find out was his mental state is, that may help you. I know it seems like now you're coddling two babies, and this time should be about your recovery and bonding time as a family, maybe you'll gain some additional insights.

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Agree with this. Sometimes I’m afraid of leaving my husband with the baby during night shift just in case he loses control if the baby keeps crying

I’m sorry mama. I feel like I had a similar experience while pregnant since I was also pregnant during the pandemic and had my baby in February 2021. My husband wasn’t really excited or supportive and it only really hit him when I was in labor and giving birth. He wasn’t helpful at all when we got home because he assumed that I “had it together” and I ended up getting PPD/PPA. Would you consider talking to a therapist? It’s helped me so much and I honestly wish that I saw one sooner.

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The reasons he fights with you…? Sorry mama but this is gaslighting. He is acting like an ass. I highly recommend therapy STAT - together or just yourself. Your mental health is so critical right now and you deserve support.

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Sorry you’re dealing with this. There was a lot of tension and struggles with my husband with both children. The hardest part is that no matter how kind, respectful, loving, etc any husband is, they can never fully understand what a woman goes through in pregnancy and post partum. The closest my husband got to being empathetic was after we watched the movie Tully. We watched it a couple years after my last was born and we ended up having this huge discussion where he owned up to his shortcomings and was apologizing for not being more supportive. Something about that movie helped him see what a shit show it is for the woman. It sounds like he needs a dose of reality and empathy for what you’re going through. Tully may help. Talking to a couples therapist may also help. Wish I would have done that sooner. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but it’s worth a try. Speaking from my experience, I resented my husband for a long time for his lack of support in that time. Best of luck to you ❤️

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This will be the hardest time in your relationship. Of course he doesn’t deserve praise for the bare minimum, but you just have to give each other a lot of grace.

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Do you know his love language? He may just be feeling very left out right now, I know my hubs did. I do not excuse his behavior at all though because you need help! But if you know his language is “touch” for example, make sure you are making time for a long hug or snuggle each day and he should be happier to help out.

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