{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Has anyone been in a long term relationship where wedding just got pushed to the sideline-- committed, happy etc, and thoughts about having a kid come up? Did you have regret having a kid prior to getting married? Always wanted to wait and do things in \"order\" but at this point between age, pandemic and life getting in the way feel pressured to just start trying...", "post_id": "61d82aaed9c14d002deb4de8", "reply_count": 10, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "5da60c126e5f0d001f32f497", "bowl_name": "Women in Law", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Has anyone been in a long term relationship where wedding just got pushed to the sideline-- committed, happy etc, and thoughts about having a kid come up? Did you have regret having a kid prior to getting married? Always wanted to wait and do things in "order" but at this point between age, pandemic and life getting in the way feel pressured to just start trying...

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Can you do an informal quick thing at city hall now and then plan to have the big party etc down the line? You could even do the ceremony again. I know several people who have done this over the last two years.

likesmart

This is the way. My best friend and her long-time boyfriend built a house together, did everything as if they were married for years. When she unexpectedly got pregnant, they got married at the JP office in case there was a situation where he would need to make medical decisions. You can accomplish that outside of a marriage but it's much simpler to be able to just say you're the spouse in an emergency.

Been with my partner for 12 years and we are trying to get pregnant this year, which will be our first kid. Our main reason for not getting married is actually bc of my federal student loans. I'm on income based repayment and if I get married they will take his income into account even if we file taxes separately.

Anyways, I'm not religious so it doesn't really bother me. That said I did change my last name to add his last name to my last name and most ppl think we are married (even before I changed my name) and it's a little weird to correct them and a little weird not to lol. But I usually just him my partner and if they say husband i usually just say "oh, we arent married" and leave it at that, honestly, somtimes people ask why but most dont ask bc its not their business or dont even care to ask (if it's just a random person like a repair person I'm chatting with i dobt bother saying anything bc i wont see them again).
All that said, we have a cohabitation agreement which honestly reads just like a prenup. I wanted it bc we have assets together and I wanted everything to be treated like a community property state (we live in a non community property state so this or a prenup if we got married was happening either way). So basically the only benefit other than the title I miss out on is taxes and the ability to be on his insurance, which is slightly cheaper.

All in all, I don't regret it. I did a bit early on bc it felt weird to correct people. But honestly, we aren't that interesting - aka no one gives a fuck. I just had to let go of other people's expectations about what they wanted for my life and just do what I wanted. Final thing, I have called him my partner for years now. This is partly due to the fact I was with a woman for years before him, so it doesn't feel strange to say partner vs boyfriend, but whenever boyfriend is used it makes me think we are teenagers somehow 😅

likesmart

I think it depends on why you’ve pushed marriage to the side. If it’s just not wanting to or being able to plan the big party during a pandemic, or some other purely circumstantial thing, then I feel like it’s not a big deal to do things “out of order.” However, if the decision not to get married is stemming from any kind of doubt from one of you regarding the long term viability of the relationship, a fear of committing to someone forever generally, etc. then I would try to resolve that before having a child together.

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