Has anyone dated a guy who is unreasonably frugal? My bf makes 800K a year at age 29 but insists on eating out at fast food restaurants, rarely buys gifts for me, living in a studio apartment, staying at 3 star hotels, flying economy, etc.

likefunny
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No but you’re describing one of my parents. Extremely successful executive, board member, and LP who has those exact same tendencies. She lives as if she has one thirtieth of the money she does.

A word of advice/caution: it probably won’t change. If it bothers you, it will likely only bother you more down the road. There are certain people who are obsessed with making a lot of money and terrified of spending it.

likefunnysmarthelpful

I started at a more reputable firm and moved for a service line. But EY8 to answer the question I think you’re asking, when you’ve seen what genuine success looks like up close, you start to see through arbitrary elitism.

Observation 1: he’s your ~boyfriend~ so you shouldn’t be concerned how he spends his money

Observation 2: if you’re ~expecting~ gifts, you don’t have a solid foundation for this relationship to last

Observation 3: when y’all break up shoot me his #

likefunnysmartuplifting

All those asking for his # when OP is done with the relationship, it’s silly.

The amount of money he has in bank, is irrelevant to your relationship experience with him and how he treats you. If he is indeed as frugal as she claims, he could be making just $80k or $1M, and yet your relationship experience would still be the same. So why is he attractive? You experience the person and not their assets.

likeupliftingsmart
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Ok, so, he's definitely still in stacking mode. PE funds only have a certain life span. Then after that, you have to start another one. You have to put in a solid chunk yourself if you want to see $800K+ returns. Not to mention, other potential investments in his personal portfolio. There are a lot of pretty great deals that must cross his path. If he wants to get involved in his dream deal, he needs to have the funds in the bank when luck = opportunity + preparation hits.

He should be stacking right now. His frugality doesn't alarm me. Now the eating fast food does - hopefully healthy options - you body is an investment too

I think you need to have a discussion with yourself first and figure out what you really want. What do you want your ideal life with this partner to look like? Write it out. Situations in your daily life and on vacations and in hard times too. How, ideally, do you want your partner to show up?

Then, figure out your love language. It sounds like yours is gifts. Don't assume though - just take the quiz.

I'd suggest you both do this exercise and then come together to discuss in a non-judgemental way. Figure out what his language is - are you fufilling him in the way he really needs?

Be ok with your visions not aligning perfectly. Be willing to talk about it and then both of you figure out what you'd be willing to compromise on and what are the deal breakers.

Whatever the end result is, know that this is the work that needs to be done to figure out if you're wasting your time or not, his salary aside.

Be careful of the take-take mindset. Only so long you can take without giving.

Just remember, as much as you are hurt by his not spending, it could hurt him just as much if you require him to spend 🤷‍♀️

Also, it would seem fundamentally, this is his personality. It's most likely not going to change. When someone shows you who they are believe them and then make the decisions on whether they're dealbreakers for you.

Do you want to put up with his frugality for forever or not?

That's the real question 🤷🏾‍♀️

likehelpfulsmart

Aww, thanks for the love @D9 and everyone!

Hopefully, this serves as an example of how our workplaces and communities can benefit from diverse members.

Hope everyone had a happy and safe Juneteenth! ✊🏾

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How is he making 800k a year?!

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You should be able to buy what you need, not depend on him to support the lifestyle you expect.

likesmart

I guess my first question is, Op, why are you trying to spend his money for him? Why is he required to buy you gifts?

What’s wrong with flying economy? Or, staying at 3-star hotels. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. From the little that has been said, it seems like you both have radically different spending profiles. He seems to be more of a saver and you seem willing to spend more on non-essentials.

Instead of asking a bunch of strangers for advice, why don’t you ask him why he is this way? Maybe he does FIRE and wants to retire by 40? Maybe he is banking all his money for paying cash for the family home? These are all speculative reasons that cannot be answered without a frank and direct conversation with him.

likesmarthelpful

@ZS1.. maybe he wants to retire early, or maybe he grew up poor and is worried about not having enough money. I mean, if it's the latter, he should probably see a therapist, but there isn't anything wrong with living frugally. Of it's an obsession, then again, he should probably talk to someone.

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Sounds like he’s really grounded and hasn’t fallen into lifestyle creep. To me that seems like a really good show of character. Of course there is always balance about enjoying life like enjoying a nice meal out, but seems like he has a good head on his shoulders.

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$800k at age 29!? What does he do!? Maybe he grew up frugally?

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I’m still gawking at the $800k and not even able to get to the rest of it 😳😳😳

likefunny

Haven’t been able to work all morning. Researching career change. Wtf am I doing

likefunnysmart

Private equity principal (he skipped the mba)

likefunny

I feel like a lot of these ppl are hating on ya OP. I personally feels like it depends on the lifestyle you want to live and also your love language. If you are the type who likes to have more luxurious experiences or is the giving gifts love language then it’s kind of a conflict there. Obv your working at McK so it’s not like you don’t have your own money to support yourself, at least I didn’t take it that way. I feel like you guys should just have an honest chat about it

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Agree! It bothers me soo much that as soon as any woman posts anything about money a lot of people immediately revert back to sexist tropes about her being money obsessed (even if this is not a conscious bias). I've been in the position before where I'm the one with substantially less money but end up paying for a lot more so we can both enjoy our lives, and it gets frustrating QUICK. It sucks always having to choose between living like a college student or paying for both of you, especially when you know it's a greater burden on you!

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Is 800k a year a typo? 😅😅

likefunny

Better than me. I make $80k and spend as if I make $800k

likefunny

Same 🤣🤣

Maybe he doesn’t make that much. Have you ever seen proof of a direct deposit or a pay stub?

like

Maybe it’s a trust fund and he doesn’t have access until a certain age

OP- I’m with you, you shouldn’t have to be in a position to convince your SO that you are worth a decent meal, a decent date night not fast food. Men that know how to court women, take them on proper dates, salary isn’t even an issue, folks that make 50k a year can do afford a nice date. I am in my mid 30s, I don’t stay in 3 star hotels, I like comfort and nice things and experiences that I worked hard for. I’d let him know how you feel then if he doesn’t take it into consideration, move on. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible and you are not wrong.

likefunny

Another good thing is maybe he’s making sure he’s not attracting a SO that only likes money to be spent on her...?

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I don’t care how much money I make. I love McDonald’s.

likefunny

I LOVE their ice cream. My favorite fast food though is Wendy’s

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Wow lots of women defending him because he makes $800k. If he was making $80k, all these women would have told OP to lose this loser, and move on.

likesmart

I can clearly see that people assume all kinds of virtue in your approach if you make more money.

You’ll be able to retire early! Hang on to that one and let him know that your love language is gifts - gifts don’t have to be expensive to be thoughtful!

likesmarthelpful

Yes, my fiancé does very well but we don’t live above our means. I grew up pretty conservative in my spending, as did he. His parents are both physicians and he works in finance. His motto is “live based on expenses, not income” bc at the end of the day you never know what’s going to happen in the world (this year is a great example). Before COVID, we would spend money on travel, we live in a comfortable apartment in Manhattan, etc. we do go out to eat and we do eat at nice places, but again - neither of us grew up with this stuff and we understand it’s a blessing and not an expectation. I’m doing well enough for myself where if I want to splurge, I don’t need to ask him - but I know he’s saving up for a comfortable life for the long term, not the short term!

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