{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Has anyone dealt with narcissistic Indian parents and found happiness back? I am in tremendous grief because of issues between my mother and wife and the lack of rationale or empathy is unbelievable. They essentially want me divorced when neither has done a single thing wrong. Orthodox parents who moved into my home recently from India (yes - dumb move).", "post_id": "624dd84eb5a095002725970c", "reply_count": 36, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting", "feed_type": "crowd" }
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Has anyone dealt with narcissistic Indian parents and found happiness back? I am in tremendous grief because of issues between my mother and wife and the lack of rationale or empathy is unbelievable. They essentially want me divorced when neither has done a single thing wrong. Orthodox parents who moved into my home recently from India (yes - dumb move).

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Did you ask your wife if she is agreeable to have your parents permanently move in? This is respect of her position as your equal partner in the marriage. Are you ok with her moving her parents in too?

If you have over bearing parents, move them out or accept divorce. The choice really is that simple. A woman needs to feel at ease in her own home. Same as a man would expect to feel at ease in his own home without tiptoeing around others’ expectations and judgement.
If in your honest opinion your wife doesn’t get to live freely and at ease in her own home, then you know what to do if you love her. She is your core family. Not your parents. Oh and if you choose your parents over your wife, the same will happen with your second and third wives. The only difference is you will be much poorer from all the divorces.

One solution if your wife’s parents are equally overbearing. Move them in. Let the parents battle it out. Best case scenario they all move out before you get the divorce.

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That sounds like a temporary solution at best. OP will be frozen and unable to act the minute his parents say, great, which new city are we all moving to. He needs to find his own voice, now, not run away from the problem because guess what the problem will follow him wherever he goes. Assuming his parents are not so old yet for him to take the ‘wait it out till they die’ approach.

There is also another solution and has worked well for me (Indian in-laws).
Make a collective decision with your wife that you are both ok to blatantly put your parents in their place whenever they show any disrespect for your wife.
Example: parents criticise your wife for working late and not being there for dinner
Suggested response: “who pays for that meal you are eating? We both earn in this house. Half of that chicken biriyani you are eating is paid for by my income. You don’t want to be in a house where both people work, feel free to leave. This is not just your son’s house. This is your son and MY house. Show some respect.”

AND for you to back your wife up and say “correct. Show respect please and know your place. You want to say things like that you can say it in your own house. We do not tolerate that behaviour in this house.”

Guaranteed effective, and often small dosages will work. Make them walk on eggshells. Shift the dynamics. The result is either they shape up or leave, both results leave you and your wife happier.

Then a simple “I don’t think coliving is working out for us. I love you, and I want to keep loving you, so let’s create some space so we can look forward to reunions.”
Option follow up: “you have a month.”

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Save your marriage if you guys have no reason to divorce. Period.

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Exactly

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Time to put your parents on a flight back to India. When you get married you and your wife become immediately family, everyone else comes second.

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What do you mean “neither has done a single thing wrong”? From my experience with Indian elders, they can be unnecessarily harsh on daughter in laws for whatever reason.

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Sorry I meant neither my wife or I have done a single thing wrong. Everything just multipled and situation has gone way out of hand

I don’t know the culture well (non Indian here) but I did have overbearing parents. My solution (that worked) was to move as far away from them as possible (Boston) and cut off that influence so I could lead my own life. As we go from adolescence to adulthood, we have to take on autonomy and that means cutting off parental habits of influence.

I’m not sure I totally understand your predicament, hope that perspective helps.

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I can relate my friend, it is brutal. The only way to find happiness back is to create that distance between your parents and wife. Distance helps to keep relationships healthy, you need to find a way to move your parents back to India or get their own small place like a 2 bed/bath condo here in US even if it’s in the same or neighboring town so that they are not too far but at the same time they are not breathing down each other’s throat

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The appropriate distance from their house to your house should be indicated by the wife, with no say from the husband.

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If you grew up with narcissistic, manipulative parents, you likely didn’t have the easiest childhood. Probably have your own mental health issues to care for. You need distance from them, my friend. Live atleast your adult life in peace with your wife. You deserve it!

Speaking from experience. SO grew up with similar parents, Indian background so understand the expectations but trust me when I say that we are living our best lives once we cut off SO’s parents and SO started therapy.

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I applaud you standing your ground here. Too many 1st generation immigrants impose they’re outdated and silly views on their children. My ex’s parents didn’t mind me, but could never get comfortable with me because I wasn’t ‘one of them’. So she left and is now married to someone they approve of.

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Asian here - parents can only make you feel guilty… the wife is what makes you happy.

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I have family in the US, I can relate. Parents used to live couple of months there and couple of months in India. Never moved permanently. Towards the end they were sort of banned even though they weren't bad at all just the mom was suffering from memory loss episodes and dad from dementia.

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Gotta tell them that you are disappointed in them, plain and simple.

Just out of curiosity, what’s the source of disagreement between your wife and parents? Are they here temporarily, or have they moved in permanently? Did you marry your wife against their wishes?

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I’m leaning towards indicating we can’t live together anymore. Just thinking through the social repercussions and if I’ll be able to live with it.

Oh man I was gonna post this myself. My husband and mom do not get along well at all. Husband and I get along great and he and my mom have fundamentally different beliefs - it’s ridiculous and I hate being the one in the middle. Indian here too.

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I relate. My wife and mother don’t get along so we are largely separate. In my case I don’t think it’s going to work out with my wife (lots of other reasons) but until now I’ve basically told my parents to stay out of my relationship. We are adults after all.

Here is a good book to consider

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD on Audible. https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B01F2M2GDO&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006

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And leave this book lying around in their plain view 🤣🤣

funnysmart

Draw boundaries my friend my mom would have got me a divorce and enjoyed my paycheck and control over me , Thank god I was able to see her and draw lines , Wife does not have anything to lead to divorce,Take care of your life and tell your wife you love her and tell your parents you respect them.. good luck , you can ping me for any suggestions, Indian male here from conservative family .

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Asian parents can be unbearable and often time a bit too harsh (being nice here) on daughter in law.
As a son, I’m sure you are being put in a difficult place and feel like you have to choose between the two. But think from this angle, your wife is supposed to be your life-long companion, the person who you’ll build a family with, the person you should consult with whenever you guys need to make any decisions in life. Your parents, on the other hand, they have been the closest people to you for long time, but now, it’s your wife’s turn to be the closest person. You should have set some boundaries with your parents in order to stand up and protect the family that you’re building. Of course I’m not saying ban your parents or kick them out from the house, but they should know that you’re an adult and respect that you have a family. Have a Frank communication with them and make sure they understand you well. Good luck!

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