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This was part of the reason I chose to be honest with my partner. I was just coming off one massive deal where there was little sleep (I do international work) and about to start an IVF retrieval cycle and another massive deal. I told him I was doing IVF and how it was affecting me and to my surprise he said his wife did 6 rounds and he gets it. Next deal, him and my junior associate picked up where I couldn’t and covered me. I took an official disability leave for the last couple days of STIMS because I was over responding and couldn’t walk and afterwards because I developed OHSS. I would consider taking short term disability leave if you don’t think your partners will understand or you don’t want to tell them. One cycle will not hurt your chances at partnership. I know women often discount this as being no big deal and pushing through it but IVF takes a massive toll on your body and should be treated as such. If you are at a firm that would punish you for taking a step back or time off for a medical procedure, that is not somewhere you want to make partner. If it makes you feel better, I’m a year behind you, only made 1500 laat year because of treatments and surgeries and a failed pregnancy and in my review we still discussed my partnership chances and how they are envisioning that for me.
Also wanted to add that there is a fertility bowl as well.
Pro
Sorry for my lack of knowledge, but what type of side-effects, effects on your body are you experiencing that are making it difficult to work? Genuinely curious (female associate here)
Hope it works out for both of you. You are champs.
Not exactly the same situation because we didn’t do IVF, but I’m a 39 y/o partner, currently pregnant for the first time. A lot of this advice will depend on your firm culture, but I ended up telling my managing partner at the time (helped that she was female) and the other partner I’m closest to (he’s my work big brother) that we were trying, and then, when I got pregnant, told my assistant and my closest partner pretty much right away. I ended up telling the rest of my partners (we’re a smaller firm) fairly early too - actually before my parents.
For me, it was a lot easier to just be honest with people about why I was feeling like crap, exhausted, and throwing up several times a day. Trying to hide it added to the strain and also made people super paranoid I was sick (this was right before COVID-19 became a thing). I would frame it as a question of priorities: you’re going through a medical event that is affecting your ability to work, but are still very invested in your career, and so want to make a plan to make sure that you are delivering the most bang for the buck to the clients, so to speak, not only now, but through a pregnancy. Have any of the other senior associates or partners dealt with a longer term health issue like cancer treatment or a serious surgery? If so, this experience really should be treated in the same way, so talk to them/other appropriate persons about how that was navigated. I found that approaching it from that angle has helped demystify the whole thing for some of my more senior male partners. They didn’t have a ton of experience with pregnant lady lawyers, but they’d definitely experienced bypasses, joint replacements, and cancer.
And as they say on the TTC forums, spending lots of baby dust your way!
I agree, being open about this process and experience with those you trust in the office is helpful! IVF is not something people are very open about, but in my experience I have been pleasantly surprised by the conversations it has opened up ...you are likely to find support and more people than you might think who have gone through this or know a close friend who has...
Thanks so much everyone for the very helpful responses! It’s really good to know that I’m not alone in feeling the drain on my body. I think I’m struggling with telling people because I am worried supervisors will see it as a “choice” to go through IVF rather treating it like any other health condition. It sounds like I need to push past this and just be honest so that my partners know my limitations, at least the ones that will be staffing me. And will try to keep in mind that this is one blip in what will hopefully be a long career.
It is medical...and framing it that way may help! No one would choose IVF ...sounds funny to even say out loud. It is not easy—no two ways about that! You will find you are stronger than you may have thought...and sometimes that strength is pushing though a hard and demanding project, or as is the case here, is being able to have this difficult seemingly uncomfy convo professionally ...(that doesn’t mean not crying...even when i thought i was ready for the convo and had thought about it I cried—that’s okay—it is real and you are amped up on hormones...) hoping for the best for you—north the process of IvF and the professional piece too! PM me if you ever need/want...
You could take FMLA leave...
Yea message me
I have gone through IVF twice...with two positive outcomes (to provide a little hope); I am 36, a third year associate and work mostly with transactional law now. I did not experience the sever side effects and reactions you are having, except for a few days of pain after the initial retrieval. That said, as someone else posted, even without thoSe added stressors, I agree that the process takes a physical, mental and emotional toll that cannot simply be pushed through and making space to focus energy on this is important- both because reducing stress helps the process and because you have financially and emotionally and physically invested a lot in this process so it is worth prioritizing! Professionally, I am not far enough into my legal career to know about ramifications to partner considerations, and so much of that response is firm and supervisor specific...but my advice is to feel your way through it—if your gut and body are telling you it is too much, definitely feel empowered to put this ahead of work for a short time...(even if it takes a few rounds in the grand scheme of a career it is short term) and having a child has been most definitely worth the drain of IVF! All the best in the process—my husband and I always say ride the waves (high and low)...when you feel crappy, sad know it will go back up!
I kept quiet when I did a fresh cycle with my twins mostly because I was trying to make partner. I listed everything on my calendar as a medical procedure or dr appt. I did end up with OHSS, which complicated things but my schedule is fairly flexible. I let people know when I did the frozen transfer with my last singleton. I will say having been pregnant A LOT, the hormones and side effects of IVF, other than the pain from OHSS, is very similar to actually being pregnant. So, I think it might be best to let people know. You might also want to consider that aspect with what you are doing.