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Also, I’d be curious if she had to ‘sacrifice’ something to enable your career success. E.g if she took a step back after kids to allow you to still travel etc. If that was the case, it may be more that she’s upset at not being able to achieve the career success she would have otherwise .
We’ve been married a year, no kids and no career sacrifices for either of us. She was having trouble finding a job for almost two years before we were married because of visa issues. After marriage, her visa issues got solved and she got a job that she loves. She’s smart, she’s accomplished, very loving/caring in every way. It’s this weird behavior that’s so puzzling
The wife behaving weird?... I guess it's just how new you are to the marriage thing. Marriage is pretty much guessing what your wife could be thinking so that you don't piss her off.
OP - I don’t know your exact situation, but from reading how you speak about your wife, I appreciate that you’re consistently respectful and validate her feelings by seeing things from her perspective
I know your ability to share details is limited here, but just playing devil’s advocate - maybe she isn’t jealous. Maybe she is struggling with interviews and seeing your success and genuinely asking for help. Maybe she was interested in that other persons profile for some reason - did she openly compare, making direct comments or are you inferring? I’ve been married for 15 years and my partner still surprises me from time to time - i can’t always guess *why* they do what they do....but one thing we’ve found through couples therapy is to always assume the other has good intent (at least until you have a convo and she says she’s actually jealous). There could be a lot of things going on - jealousy is one option but could be something else entirely. Will be a tough convo but try to be compassionate and non-judgmental - i wouldn’t assume you know how she feels until she tells you herself. Good luck!
What did she say OP?
There was a time when I used to brag about my work (as in how hard it was!) to my wife all the time. I didn’t mean to show my wife down (she was in similar job but at a modest organization). At the time, I presumed she couldn’t comprehend how big a deal it was to survive at big 4 and therefore I would try to tell her everything sometimes a bit eggagerated! This made her defensive and she started bragging about her own work. This wasn’t helping either of us. I realized what lead to it and I needed to stop bragging myself. I did stop (actually stopped discussing my work with her to a large extent) and things got back to normal. ADVICE - when you share things with your spouse, try not to imply your greatness :)
Always thought the net worth threads were the worst but this takes it. “Doesn’t know what MBB is” “Not even in consulting” “Appears to have achieved more than me”. “She’ll get over it”. My God, this is why people do not like us
Thought the exact same thing EY1
It’s a natural reaction. Everyone is human. Unless it manifests into consistent digs/belittling, I wouldn’t worry about it. She’ll get over it.
I think someones transparency comes off as entitlement / arrogance. I chat with my friends all the time about our “poor raises” of $5K and $20K bonuses because I genuinely know of other people who got double that. But my boyfriend mentioned that when we talk like that it makes him feel annoyed since that’s way more than he makes (he works for Government).
It could be as simple as keeping that perspective in mind when speaking instead of saying, they’re only offering me $xK more to switch, be like “Can you believe they’re offering me that much?”
Think you may have hit upon something SA2.
OP is it possible that she thinks *you* are looking down on others who don’t make as much as you or are not as accomplished? You have to realize that everybody on here has been very fortunate in their circumstances to be in this industry even if there is hard work behind it. Maybe she interprets your talk as materialistic or that you look down on those who haven’t been as lucky as you (like her family maybe). Reading the profile in the alumni magazine is a way to bring you down to earth. It’s like saying “hey, you think you are a big deal but look at this guy he’s an astronaut”. It’s bringing you down a peg to make you realize there’s always going to be somebody more successful than you.
What she isn’t doing right in her interviews (she’s not even in Consulting and works in a Non-Profit), then today picked up a magazine from my school and read out someone’s profile who seemed to have achieved more than me. I’m very confused, I’m overjoyed every time my wife achieves something, why’s she comparing herself to me and then trying to belittle my accomplishments by comparing me to someone random from my Bschool?
This is unfortunate.
Have you talked to her about this?
She is not jealous. She is just insecure that you are too materialistic and may upgrade over her. You are married only for a year so still in the knowing each other phase. Comfort her and care for her. Don’t brag about these silly slavery achievement of MBB or Deloitte. These are the nuisances of life that we have to deal with as we are made of cells
We’re both not Americans and I’ve been here 7-8 years longer than her. she’s the sensitive/loving/kinder one and I’m the pragmatic one. She is a little bit competitive for sure, I just think I’ve transitioned into the “We’re a unit” concept a bit sooner than she has. And maybe if the roles were reversed I’d probably or at-least temporarily feel the same
Awwwww, yeah...give her time. You two are going to be fine. I’m sure that she feels just a little pressure, to advance quickly. I mean immigration comes with a lot of expectation from one’s self, family and partner.
You said she failed to get through two interviews.. Is she actively looking into getting into something that pays more than ngo work? Has she voiced disappointment before at not getting chances to interview elsewhere? Are you paying the lion's share of rent/mortgage, utilities, vacation etc? Does she feel her profile merits something more than an ngo-did she specifically get into the ngo because it was the only available job or was she trying for more high profile roles and settled for the ngo?
It may also be helpful to reframe the way you talk about finances. I make significantly more than my husband, but we both have the mentality that the money we bring in is ‘ours’ vs mine/his. Saying that you’re ‘willing to pay for her school’ could be seen as a little condescending to her. Deciding if she goes back to school should be a decision you both make from the perspective of family finances. You’re not bankrolling her - she’s your wife, and you’re in it together.
Maybe she just used you for your visa. Jk. Talk to her
you should go talk to her directly rather than asking for ideas here from total strangers that know nothing about the two of you
Read “getting to yes” Op. Best gift Deloitte ever gave me. It even helps with personal relationships and finding common ground.
More to the point, my hunch is there’s one of two things going on here. 💁♀️
1. It’s you.
There’s more to the story ie words matter and perhaps some of your words are coming across a bit more snooty than you think. And, Are you also valuing her contributions as well? Maybe your words/actions are making her feel less valued.
Or
2. It’s her.
Your wife is a super jealous type (that’s gonna be hard to get over- Eastern European?) or she thinks she’s way smarter than you and this process is crushing her to watch you sail into job opps ...(also going to be hard to get over)
Or perhaps third choice. You’re reading into this too much.
Thank you everyone! I took the advice and just had a direct conversation with my wife.
We had two breakthroughs, I was reminded that in narrating my interview story I mentioned that my interviewer told me about his wife’s cool job but apparently in response, I didn’t chime in about my wife’s job. Hence the insecurity/backlash. I told her I’m very proud of her accomplishments.
Secondly, we both agreed that we need to do more to work as a unit.
I admit to being jealous that my SO made it to MBB, but I only showed signs of being truly upset when a different city was considered, which would impact my career/way of life.
Are there any other factors she was thinking of aside from prestige/pay? If the role requires you to be away from home more, etc
^beat me to it, M1
This happened with a direct family member. Only thing is I was pissed bc he / she told me they would help me out. Never happened.
Where are you and your wife from OP? And have you been here longer than your wife? Could be a difference in views based on cultural adjustments - you could have made them, not her, or the other way around?