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You would be making the leap not for love, but to cave in the ultimatum he gave you.
He wants to live in a certain part of the world and he wants to be with someone who lives in the same place. He knows what he wants and that’s that. I think you just need to wonder if your interests align or not. Do you want to go to London ? If you don’t, then you know what you want to do, just like he knows.
If it feels like you would make a sacrifice for him, then you just don’t want to go. I don’t necessarily see his decision as selfish but sometimes people just don’t want the same thing in life. The question is: do you ?
Which country is it? Canada and Afghanistan are very different
Why would you follow someone anywhere? Be your own person. What if it's not going to work out? Personally, huge red 🚩.
Pro
EY2, because sometimes someone has to move?
A friend of mine was a medical resident, and met a girl he loved. But at the end of his rotation, he was moving across the country. They had only been together for a year, so while long distance could have worked… they were both realistic about its chances (especially since he can’t get away much for travel)
So it came down to, would she come with him?
(She did, they ended up getting married and have kids now, it’s sweet)
Enthusiast
It took him ten years to decide he would be willing to marry you and even then it depends on an ultimatum he set… sounds like it’s time to break free, you owe it to yourself to not settle.
Enthusiast
This — after I read the 10 years they’d been together I was like “oh he’s not trying to marry”. 🥴🤷🏾♀️
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Other country/city is London but frankly it’s not the city that bothers me. It’s that he would be willing to end things if I don’t go there that does
Most divorces I’ve seen to date are due to location post NYC. Good to have the discussion now, but ultimatums are not healthy. If ultimately that’s where they want to raise children or retire it’s good to specify those points not jump to a ultimatium
Pro
I think it’s OK for geography to be a non-negotiable. If you’re not OK with it, then it’s just a compatibility issue and time to move on.
Chief
Honestly I wouldn’t fully take the perspective that he can’t set a ultimatum and you should leave and all of that.
From what you have said he has lived there for a decade, away from his family. Sure it may sound easier for him to just continue to stay there but the reality is however hard it is for you to move it is equally hard from him to stay.
I am honestly surprised this was something you guys never talked about. You both need to sit down discuss what you want your life to look like in the next 10 years and figure out whether him staying or you moving would change that at all.
If it’s something that wouldn’t work for either than one of you has to compromise or you break it off.
But it’s not fair to say that what he’s asking if you is ridiculous
Chief
I won’t make you move 🥺
He sounds selfish. Big life decisions should be made together. You will be living your life on his terms
Be wary of "if you don't like it we leave" as a compromise. If you've already expressed that you aren't keen on going, and he wants to go anyway, he's not likely to leave one he has you there. From experience; if you aren't ready to leap, don't jump.
I mean, if it's an EU country, go for it.
Why don’t you try living there first? When I met my husband, I knew he was family oriented and would want to spend time back home. I *never* thought I’d move there, but we compromised by saying we’d find remote flex/seasonal jobs and spend several months in his country. Few years passed this way, and I fell more and more in love with the country. I now consider it ‘home’ and we plan to retire there.
The important part is that this route never started with an ultimatum. It was never an “end game” move with no change backs. We considered our options at all times and were open to moving back if situation made me unhappy. On that note, there Were things that made me unhappy in his country, and he spent endless effort improving those issues and ensuring that I would be happy. That’s what I consider a good partnership.
Chief
Where is the home country?
Neither does grammar, it seems
90 Day Fiancé!
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Also fwiw I’m early 30s so part of me just debates whether settling a bit is par for the course for females at this pt
I followed someone to Europe in my late 20s and it was, in retrospect, the worst decision I ever made. Choose for you, not for the relationship.
Why is the ultimatum for you to move for him? Is there any consideration on his part in staying for you considering there aren’t any legal issues. This seems like a red flag to me if he’s straight up asking you to be the one to make the sacrifice without this being discussed and the conclusion made by both of you, or careful consideration of him staying here for your sake…
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To be fair to him, there is an ultimatum now but there has been a lot of discussion. It’s just kind of gone in circles because he sometimes will take hard stances like “this is the end game place” and then back off them with “if you’re not happy we leave.” It just mostly leaves me confused as to what to really believe. I react assuming the worst/most hardline stance and so come off as more averse to London that I really am. This on loop for the past few years and now we’re here. While I’m against ultimatums to be fair there is some relief as I know this is an inflection pt in a very long relationship that really needs to go to the next level or call it a day
Enthusiast
Umm so he’s already here in the US. Was it always temporary situation ?
Well, it’s not always just geography is it? It might be he needs to be closer to family. Or he’s worked really hard for a promotion but he won’t get it if he doesn’t go. You have to let us know if there’s more context. Maybe his visa expired and he’ll get deported if he doesn’t go! I’ve personally spent two years in London and it was fine. Great place (without Covid) to explore Europe from, nice museums, awful lack of air-conditioning though
Deeper conversations have to be made. It seems he is thinking that now it’s your turn to be away from your family. I have lived in London before, had to take a pay cut with kids. Honestly didn’t notice much, plus worked less
My husband had mentioned wanting to go back home after sometime in the US. We are both from 3rd world countries, came here as students - met at university. However, being a woman - I never want to go back to my native country and I clearly told him that. I love him but I would never follow him there. If he was willing to stay where I was I would maybe consider it, anyways- I left the extreme patriarchal country and even if most of society is - it bugged me that he thought I would follow him where “he” makes the decision for 2 of us.
So, it came down to discussion between the 2 of us where we could both have a better future as opposed his choice and me follow.
If a guy from 3rd world country can understand that, you deserve a chance to be understood if you don’t wanna make the move , else I don’t have good feeling about you having to follow him for love as life is not all love and rosy, its a lot of ups and downs that you work through and put effort into. If its only you doing that its gonna get hard on you. So, your call on what life you want in the future.