{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Hey in need of some advise. Single female here and I’m closer to turning 30 and I been wanting to move out of state for a while but my parents want me married in order for me to do that. They’re very conservative and whenever I talk about moving, they dismiss the idea and I’m tempted to just run away. I tried having a talk and they literally invited a guy over the next week without asking and have put me on some matrimony website. Any advice how to go forward?", "post_id": "61ef082900631d0026d57737", "reply_count": 49, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "58f812c6c1ca28001625d328", "bowl_name": "Muslim Consultants", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Hey in need of some advise. Single female here and I’m closer to turning 30 and I been wanting to move out of state for a while but my parents want me married in order for me to do that. They’re very conservative and whenever I talk about moving, they dismiss the idea and I’m tempted to just run away. I tried having a talk and they literally invited a guy over the next week without asking and have put me on some matrimony website. Any advice how to go forward?

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Honestly speaking, them not communicating with you properly is the issue. You need to try to get them to understand you. I know this is difficult. It isn’t terrible that they want you to meet potential suitors as long as you are clear with them that it is only by your choice. If an escape is needed I would only recommend if you had a family member that lives close by that you can trust, to just to arrange an escape there to let your parents know that you ultimately have your own choice and that you respect them and their opinions but they cannot understand you and your level of thought and what may be best for you and them in the long run. I would recommend not to do anything super drastic but stage a “dramatic” situation only as last resort to get them to understand you have other options but you are ultimately choosing to keep them in your life as well.

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This ‘log kya kahenge’ (what will people say) toxicity really needs to stop. You’re inhibiting a person’s development to adulthood, especially in a western society, and that won’t translate well into a relationship ultimately. A career-oriented woman (and man too) living on their own with independence plus dignity/ modesty should always be appreciated. How else will we rise as an ummah economically, and ultimately have a say in matters of injustice pertaining to us? Also, you’d actually be more ready for marriage if you live on your own and figure things out. How about starting with moving out nearby in the same city/ state to ease them into it?

likeupliftingsmart

What I find funny is that the “log”/people are few are far between when you need genuine help. Turning to them for any assistance is deemed as a weakness. My parents were incredibly upset when I basically told them that I did not care for those people whose sole influence on my life is to berate me for actions that they deem to be mistakes.

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Don’t ruin your relationship but I would recommend standing up for yourself and advocating for why you need space as a grown adult woman. …I ran off and married a white guy so could be worse for them 🤷🏻‍♀️

likefunny

This is totally unacceptable. You're 30 for God's sake. Sure they raised you but at some point you need to be your own person. If you're financially secure, go for it, you'll feel so liberated. They just have to accept it, sometimes tough love is needed especially with controlling and domineering parents.

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You’re parents aren’t following the Sunnah of the Prophet (PBUH) and are weaponizing your faith against you. You should standup for yourself now because it won’t stop even after you are married or move out of state.

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My parents are the same way. They think it looks “bad” for a woman to live on her own, unmarried. It sometimes even extends to traveling. Do I need to sacrifice my own sanity because of some cultural tradition that doesn’t align with my personal values/morals and I believe should die out? Absolutely not. It is frustrating to me that this would be the reason that I would have to give up my dreams and desires. If you financially support yourself, just move out. Show your parents that it does not mean you love them less or that anything will change by being present in their lives after you move and by including them in the process. Invite them over frequently, etc. Orrr an easier way to do this is to apply to jobs out of state.

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If it gets to this point… u can always say that ur job wants to move u bc of your potential xyz. Ofc I recommend u try to at least communicate with them about it

I am a guy who’ll turn 29 soon and my conservative parents don’t let me move out without getting married. My dad told my sister he will die of heart attack with shame. We are immigrants and I’ve been paying 50% of the rent since getting my first job along with some other expenses too, my parents don’t drive so I drive them around as much as I can, there isn’t much privacy in the house as I can hear all the conversations of other people. So yeah I feel you, and I am very sorry but I’d say just get a job somewhere else , don’t get stuck like me

likehelpful

I am trying to buy a house and let my brother and his family and my parents to stay and I’ll move out. I’ll still try to pay half but idk if it’ll happen or if I can afford all that

3 options: - run away and live your life if you can afford it. Do it in the most amicable way, tell your family you want them in your family but they have to accommodate - do everything you can to work with them. Through friends, family, or any other means to help them learn that it’s okay, culture isn’t always right. You are in the western world and want to be successful. - listen to them and stay in state and with them. Learn you can’t have it your way and wit them. I would do step 2 first snd exhaust that before 1. I wouldn’t do step 3.

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Sending lots of encouragement, support and empowerment to the sisters fighting cultural oppression. It saddens me to hear these stories but I hope you find the strength and courage to make your own choices. I'm a married man with kids but I haven't spoken to my father in years because he is so manipulative and toxic. I don't regret putting distance between him and my family one single bit.

likeuplifting

Ask a relative to step in and help. Transition out. Like get a job over 2 hours away and come home every weekend. At the end of the day, they are just afraid of you spreading your wings and sleeping with someone imho

likefunny

Yeah I think so too.. so many other people even younger move out and live in an entirely new city without knowing anyone, want to be like them 😪

Dear lord. So sorry.

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Parents are just like clients. Push a crazy idea (like you’re moving halfway across the world) then settle for the median (you living alone in the same city). You just need to say it over and over again till they feel like it’s their idea. Good luck!

likefunny

First, sorry you’re going through this! Do you have any family friends or relatives your parents know off in that other state? Perhaps that can ease some of their concerns?

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I have one family friend that we are close with.

Totally get the whole needing freedom. Why not try to transition out of the same house first? Like get an apartment in the same state, downtown first. Then, slowly transition to a different state

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I’ve thought about it and I don’t see myself living in my current state at all long term even. I’d rather meet someone where I want to move to 😞 lease would be for a year and I cannot waste another year here. Time and age not on my side 😭

If I were you - just find a job, find an apartment, and then move out. Let them know you are moving like an adult and take care of the finances yourself. If you’re old enough to be married you’re old enough to figure out how to move out

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Update: I just spoke to my mom and she basically said I’ll get her badua (curse) and I’ll never be happy in anything I do. Then went on about how they immigrated to see this day. Said I can do whatever I want after marriage and they’re not going to be modern and accept me living on my own. I didn’t say anything to this then she hugged me and that was that.

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Myself included, I know lots of desi/Arab parents like this. They will scream and shout and curse at you when you don’t follow their rules, but as long as you follow Islam, have no guilt. Why are you in this country - all immigrants know that eventually you’ll merge with this society (may even marry outside of your race, but still Muslim). If you’re the oldest child, then I’m sorry but that’s normal. I’m a guy and I had a huge argument and ended up not speaking to them for 5-6 months, then they eventually realised that I am not doing anything haram so they are the ones losing out on not having a relationship with me. You’re going to get married, have kids, have a life and if they chose to control you/not speak to you because of it, it is their loss. You’re not doing anything haram and if your parents try and spin it to be, culture is not Islam

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There are a few ideas in our culture that have a strong stigma associated with them. Independence/individualism and the second, ironically, is mental illness. This is a tough position you are in. I am a guy, so it wasn’t as bad for me as I imagine it is for you. I don’t have advice but I hope you see this tough time through.

uplifting

You have to live your own life. Whether they want to be a part of it or not is up to them. They can’t (shouldn’t) force you to do anything, including getting married. As long as you’re able to provide for yourself, I say go for it. I have a family friend who went through something similar… she ended up meeting someone after being on her own for some time and got married in her mid 30s.

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Hmm a bit hard to give advice without knowing your goals. Like why do you want to move out of state, whether you even want to get married, do your parents know of your goals? Given that they invited someone over without even telling you makes me feel like there’s not much communication going on, either from parents to you or both ways.

I think my goal is to get my own freedom and it’s so annoying my parents make it seem like I can do and go anywhere I want after I get married. I don’t plan to live in this state because I don’t like the weather and I’ve outgrown it. Just need a change I suppose

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Find someone you like! And pray to Allah swt that it’s a match!

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