{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Hey mummas, I'm struggling with how I feel about my team at work. None of them, including my manager, have children and they just don't get it. I'm pregnant with my third and my manager has never once asked me how I'm doing, only ever refers to it in terms of me 'leaving' for maternity leave so he'll be a resource down. Never once asked how I'm coping with juggling wfh & full time caring for my children through covid, and icing on the cake my baby just recently.. (continued in comment)", "post_id": "616ea0bff3530f003ee79661", "reply_count": 6, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "5a0c9a1f61b01a001937c406", "bowl_name": "Working Moms" }

Hey mummas, I'm struggling with how I feel about my team at work. None of them, including my manager, have children and they just don't get it. I'm pregnant with my third and my manager has never once asked me how I'm doing, only ever refers to it in terms of me 'leaving' for maternity leave so he'll be a resource down. Never once asked how I'm coping with juggling wfh & full time caring for my children through covid, and icing on the cake my baby just recently.. (continued in comment)

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Congrats on upcoming 3rd arrival! When I’ve been in those situations I remind myself that parenting is pretty unrelatable when you’ve no kids. People swing between saying nothing (like in your case) or heavily leaning into cliches which is also annoying (like, you must really miss adult conversations on maternity leave… Um no I have a spouse and lots of friends and my kids are super interesting). I like to remind myself that most of them are freaking out about potentially saying the wrong thing, so these muted expressions of caring come off as rude. I would not say anything and remind myself that I don’t need their validation that this 3rd birth is important or that health events are scary. They won’t get it. And that’s ok. And who knows, maybe years from now if a few of them have kids they’ll have a moment of “Wow, she had three kids and rocked it at work - that’s wildly impressive. Huh - kudos to her!”

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I don't think there's any good way to bring this up. If you don't feel supported to care for your family in alignment with company expectations, I'd bring this up and make sure policies are being adhered to. But if it's just wishing you had more camaraderie, then I'd just recognize this isn't the team to provide that. I think if you bring it up in a "people don't seem empathetic" way, it just comes across as whiny. You made the choice to have kids - it's not other people's job to care about that. (And I say that as a parent myself!) Pre-kids, I'd get annoyed with the parents. I'd wonder if they were making stuff up because they missed so much work and it was frustrating having to covet. I was accommodating but secretly annoyed. Now I get it. Do you have access to employee resource groups? We have a parents group at work so that's where I'd look forward this support. If there isn't one, could you find a few parents and start one together?

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Before you have kids it’s just hard to understand. Before I had mine I would get annoyed by all the typical parental excuses that put extra pressure on me and now I am in awe of people who can perform at all with one much less 3 (in a pandemic)! I don’t think you will find what you are looking for by speaking up. Doesn’t sound like this is an abusive environment. You want more compassion and while you probably deserve it, only comes across as entitled and may not land well. (This team picks up to support you!) After I had mine I moved into an internal client serving role where the pace just moves slower and most of my colleagues are family oriented. My absences don’t impact others like it did before and I’m grateful for that balance.

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(continued) my 18mo baby just recently got rushed into hospital for seizures, and although they were great with taking a couple days off the responses were like she had a sniffle 'get better soon' 'glad she's feeling better' type thing. I know they can't possibly understand but it's really getting to me. Should I say something or will I be banging my head against a wall?

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I had a good friend who is 30+ and I got pregnant both times with lots of fertility treatments and eventually through IVF. She used to pass on comments like - If I don’t have to pay my student loans I would have given birth to two babies easily, if I don’t have any ambition to succeed professionally I would have had babies. Those hurt so much as if I don’t have a career. Once I had my kids she used to say how lucky I am, call me at unreasonable times like between 6 to 8. I had to cut her off as it was hard to maintain the relationship while also coaching someone. People without kids never understand parents

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Good lord - she sounds like a delight…!

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