{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Hey my ADHD peeps, serious question. I was diagnosed in my early 40s which explains A LOT of my life's failures (i.e. changing college majors, multiple job changes/getting fired, bad with time management). None of that pales in comparison than getting divorced. Is it worth it to reach out to my ex to let him know what I learned? I don't want to get back with him. We are complete opposites and I think that telling him can possibly provide solace for both of us. Thoughts?\n", "post_id": "6140e036a2db430029d13931", "reply_count": 8, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "5a75ea9408bb5700145c0622", "bowl_name": "ADHD Consultants" }

Hey my ADHD peeps, serious question. I was diagnosed in my early 40s which explains A LOT of my life's failures (i.e. changing college majors, multiple job changes/getting fired, bad with time management). None of that pales in comparison than getting divorced. Is it worth it to reach out to my ex to let him know what I learned? I don't want to get back with him. We are complete opposites and I think that telling him can possibly provide solace for both of us. Thoughts?

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Don’t bother with that unless you are still friends. Otherwise it will be just ammunition for him to call you crazy.

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First of all, be kinder to yourself. Those things you described as failures are really just times when the wrong situation for you didn’t work out. For many of us with ADHD or other neurodivergence, especially when undiagnosed until adulthood, we have internalized others’ negative beliefs about our abilities, character, and work ethic. So first step is to start (or continue) therapy so you can let all of that bullshit go! To your question about telling your ex, I disagree with many of the other commenters. You said in your post that you think it can provide solace for both of you. If after the self-reflection and thought you’ve given this, you feel that it can be helpful to tell your ex, I say do it. However, like other commenters, I agree that you should be prepared and willing to accept of your ex’s response, even if it’s dismissive. You should also be prepared that it could end up being very painful and reignite the feelings of rejection I’m guessing you have already felt as part of the divorce. But you are the only one who can make the decision whether it’s still worth it. Good luck with everything and again, get to therapy ASAP! :)

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There’s really no upside for you or them in sharing. It doesn’t change what happened, it doesn’t absolve you of any faults, and there’s the risk that they end up thinking worse of you. I had an ex from 10 years ago reach out last year to tell me they had just been diagnosed with bipolar. It just made me hate them even more for thinking they could just pop into my life and bring back bad memories.

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I agree with everyone else, don’t tell your ex. When I was diagnosed I also felt the relief of understanding myself and my past actions a lot more. It took me some time, and it sounds cheesy, but the solace came when I accepted my past and realized I’d be going into the future knowing myself better than ever and with more control. It made me empathize with my past self, she was doing the best she could. It makes me be kinder to myself now, too, because I know why I do some things I do and have better coping strategies. Best of luck OP :)

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Idk…he may be a person who thinks adhd isn’t real and you’re using it as an excuse for the relationship ending 🤷🏿‍♀️ just my thought

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Why’d you get divorced...

I wouldn’t, but only you know your relationship. Maybe put yourself in your ex’s shoes- would you care or want to hear it?

Agree with Tilly: if it brings solace and closure to you, it makes sense. It’s also acknowledging, “yes, it was more me, than you that resulted in this. I’m sorry we had to go through that, now we are here, on our own paths to be better”

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