{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Hi fam! Me and my partner (females) just got an oral consent from my partners best friend (gay male) to be a sperm donor. Anyone has experience with this? I know lesbians usually go to sperm bank but we wanted to know “baby daddy” and have him involved as a godparent and when kids ask questions introduce him as a father. Personal life stories and dos and donts welcome. All my friends are straight or gay men so I have this resource and general internet.", "post_id": "601c978abcdc7b0020280ca6", "reply_count": 22, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "58f80c96ae9f610010f866a8", "bowl_name": "LGBT 🐠" }

Hi fam! Me and my partner (females) just got an oral consent from my partners best friend (gay male) to be a sperm donor. Anyone has experience with this? I know lesbians usually go to sperm bank but we wanted to know “baby daddy” and have him involved as a godparent and when kids ask questions introduce him as a father. Personal life stories and dos and donts welcome. All my friends are straight or gay men so I have this resource and general internet.

likefunny
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I recently found myself on the opposite side of this. I’m a gay man and was approached by a family friend and her wife about being a sperm donor. They’re not looking for me to be heavily involved in the child’s life, but are open to me having a relationship with them. Im really struggling with what to do. On the one hand, I love the idea of helping another couple, especially a queer one, have a family. But I worry about the reality of know I have a child out there but not having a real influence on their life. My boyfriend is strongly opposed to it, worrying about the responsibility and emotional weight this would bring. I realize this doesn’t answer your post, but appreciate the forum to air this out!

likehelpful

You should def memorialize your rights versus his rights to the child in some sort of written and legally enforceable contract. And all three of you should talk to a counselor or whatever professional about the implications of this on you and your partner’s lives, your friend’s life and your child’s life. The implications will be deep and profound and will permeate every aspect of your lives for literally the rest of your lives.

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There’s a number of male figures you could introduce your child to that the child is not biologically related to (instead of taking this best friend donor route). I would feel uncomfortable with this personally. The comments above about knowing your dad, etc. also just don’t sit well and I’d say therapy would be good step to better understand the why — and what you envision this relationship to be moving forward. I think you can accomplish all of those without getting into all this, but I realize I don’t know all the details either. GL. Hoping for the best for you both!

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The thing about parenthood is your kids never turn out the way you want them to. You may think you’re making the “right” decision by giving the child access to their biological father...but they may hate you for it. Who knows why. Or they may be super thankful! Long story short, don’t make this choice for anyone but yourself and your partner.

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You should probably see a therapist/counselor first! Your partner wanting your kid to have the option of a dad sounds like they think there would be something missing with just the two of you as parents... maybe a bit of internalized gender essentialism ? and unless you are in a polycule with this best friend, it’s still just going to be the two of you. You can’t really expect another person to coparent without any of the legal protection, benefits, coverages, etc. Having male friends around is great. Your kid can have an uncle to talk to without being their offspring. Maybe getting to the root of that desire in therapy will help..!

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I don't understand all of these replies suggesting therapy??? OP's plan seems extremely reasonable and logical. I see no rationale for a mental health issue to be alleged. I say skip the therapy, get a good lawyer so a legal agreement is in place and then get this baby going! Good luck!

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We are both in therapy separately you guys! Got to this decision via therapy. Our original idea was to use her cousins sperm for me and my cousins for her for example and through therapy both came to the conclusion that this would not be great for either of us down the line. Thanks so much for all the comments. These and other lgbtq message boards are an only source for brainstorming. My friends are all straight ☠️

Does the donor have a committed partner? Just thinking how dynamics could change if he’s currently single

like

Nope he doesnt. He’s 27 and we’re 31 and 33

Doing this right now - egg retrieval scheduled for this month 🤞🏾Happy to talk logistics and our thought process. Feel free to DM

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DMed! Thank you!

Little late to this thread, but you should check out the podcast “If these ovaries could talk.” It’s hosted by two lesbians, but they talk about having babies in queer and other non-traditional families. They have a lot of interesting episodes interviewing couples that have gone different routes (e.g., knowing a sperm donor, not knowing, etc.) and I think it will be great food for thought!

like

Thanks so much!!!

like

Best of luck OP! My wife and I did at home insemination (ICI) with frozen sperm and got pregnant at second try! DM me if you want some advice on that too :)

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Thank you!!! Yes please I’ll DM now

So OP, any updates in your decision here?

Going to try home insemination and put a contract in before doing so

Get a lawyer that specialized in this topics ASAP and clarify rights, roles, and responsibilities

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