Hi, I just really need a safe space to vent because I’m feeling like the most horrible person in the world. Married ~ 3 years ago and he hasn’t been able to work due to immi issues so we’ve been living on my 145k salary (for mortgage, car note, utilities, etc) and the occasional Instacart he does with my account. We also have a 1 year old that stays home with us (I work from home).

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likeupliftingsmarthelpful
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It sounds like he’s a good husband, a good father, and that he is trying but simply cannot do anything about his immigration status.

Punishing him for things outside of his control seems petty and selfish.

Would you want him to do the same if you got sick with a disabling disease?

likesmarthelpful

“I was hoping” is the key phrase here, OP. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but this should be a learning lesson for everyone. We do not marry potential; we marry the person standing right in front of us.

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His willingness to take on household duties and care for the toddler would be my litmus test as to whether this is a man worth sacrificing anymore for. 8 years is a long time to be in limbo. You’ve done your part. You’ve sacrificed a normal life (you could have easily married someone with an uncomplicated immigration status) and have been the main breadwinner for 8 years. Now its time for him to figure out what he’s willing to sacrifice to make this work.

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Unfortunately this is one of those through thick and thin moments

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Really wanted to drop in and thank everyone tremendously for being my sounding board and helping me navigate this troubling time in my marriage. Thanks to the many perspectives & advice, I was able to openly and honestly articulate my thoughts & concerns; and he was very open to feedback. We successfully agreed to him doing more, taking care of our son in the mornings and during the day, and I’ll do evening & bedtime - then he can do Instacart & school work evenings & nights; and do more laundry (thank God!). Honestly, I feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders, and just wanted to thank you all again 🙏

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Our very best wishes! These are some of the toughest years. Keep talking and being there for each other. It’s you three against the world. And it gets easier eventually :-)

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Well, good news is you’re in a much better spot than most people as a single income at $145k. My wife and I figured it out with three kids and much less income.

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So sorry, that sounds very tough! Definitely grateful for my current TC.

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You need to ask yourself what would you want if the tables were reversed. By your own account it sounds like he’s doing his actual best in the situation he is given but it’s frustrating you because you envisioned a different life. I’m sure he also envisioned something different.

If you would be fine with him taking the kid and walking away from you if you became unable to work, then by all means go for it. But I think you’d be asking for some sympathy since it was not of your own doing.

likehelpful

Really appreciate this perspective, thank you!

No one said marriage would be easy. You should congratulate yourself for being able to do so much for your family now.

Is there a way he can accelerate his studies or work part time under the table to help out? What else can he do to ease the burden for you?

I hope things get better.

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I’m sorry if you’ve already answered this and I missed it- are you in love with your husband? If things were different would you want to stay married?

Is there a reason why he won't be able to work until 2027? I believe work authorization is usually issued before application is approved.

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BA1…sounds like he may have had some troubles with law/immigrations in the past that could be delaying the process. Courts are usually not involved when the case is simple and work authorizations is issued within 6 mi the of applying

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You don't want to hear this but cut your losses. Eventually its going to happen so why prolong your misery.

This imitation has no realistic hope.

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Imitation?

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My opinion is your husband needs to take responsibility of childcare. It sounds like your husband is not doing enough at home. This can lead to huge frustration if you are both working full time and taking care of your kid all by yourself. If he’s prideful about it, you should leave.

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I’m going to get a lot of grief for this, but ultimately, you need to do what is right for you, regardless of whether it is politically correct or not. It doesn’t matter what other people think. You’re the one who had to live with your husband. You’re the one who had to support him financially. You’re the one who had to bear the burden of raising a child and caring for him at the same time. No one gets to judge you for living your life in a way that doesn’t make you miserable.

If you need to divorce him, so do and know that it’s no one’s fault. You tried your best. He did too. Ultimately, the two of you needed support that just isn’t there. You will likely get custody of your child, and someday, you may need to have a hard conversation. But going on miserably just to meet social expectations is not going to make things better

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Thank you! I really want to keep our family together but at this going rate, I don’t think I can. And it would break him if I file for a divorce, and he gets put out of the country and only gets to see our son once a year or two. Just so much guilt!

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Do you live in a HCOL city? $145k is ample, please look up median household income in the US for a reality check.

Are you feeling worse because you’re a working woman raising a man on your income? Because there’s many men who raise families on single income (lower than yours) throughout their lives.

If it’s only because of immigration issues, they will subside, you just need to be patient. I feel it’s more than that.

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Yeah he sounds like he’s projecting his shame onto her whenever she voices she doesn’t want to do the housework. Extremely selfish and disgusting. I hope she’s not giving him any sex during this time. 😂

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Go to couple’s counseling. Genuinely. It sounds like you don’t want to toss everything out but you’re stressed and feel trapped in a situation. However, maybe some therapy will provide you with the tools to find a good way to move forward.

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We’re definitely considering this, thank you!

It’s not fair to punish or resent him. This is the life that YOU chose. You knew he had immigration issues. You knew he didn’t have a degree. You chose this and marriage is hard. You need to either keep moving forward and not complain/resent him or divorce him and take the baby.

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If they get seperate I hope he moves to his home country with the kid.

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He gets to hold his traditional views on the HH division of labor when he can fulfill his traditional role as a provider. If he can’t work, he has to work in the home- raising kids, doing the household labor, etc. it’s not what either of you bargained for but here you are. If he can’t get in board with that, you should consider separation. Right now you are doing everything and that is unsustainable.

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After reading your initial post I was thinking you were being extremely selfish and shallow, knowing it would potentially be years before he would be able to work. However, reading your responses to other posts I see he isn't carrying his weight around the home or with child care. You said he's a good husband and father, but is he? Because he is unable to work outside of the home he should be bearing the majority of the household duties - cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. Same with taking care of your child. The fact you spent additional money on his education, presumably so he could get a better job, but he can't work now. I feel your frustration.

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Things are tough!! I’m not happy and I’m frustrated. I also hate that we use 90% of our tax refund(~9k) to pay his tuition (1st year Bsc). IF his papers are approved, he won’t be able to work until like 2027 (complications, we have a lawyer). He’s a great husband and father but this is not the life I envisioned for myself. I told him I was unhappy and he suggested if separation will help me but I can’t bear the thought of my son hopping around from 1 parent to another.. and how tough things will be for him w/o me, and disappointing my family because my marriage failed (they don’t know our situation btw). I’m just exhausted

likehelpful

All the people saying “just leave” are quite comical.
He should try to find an additional source of income that doesn’t rely on a bachelors degree. Drive for Uber / Uber eats, talk to local businesses (does he have any skills that carry over from where he’s from), check with the school he’s doing his degree, check with your local religious institutions (network).. any hourly job should do the trick

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Have you considered doing something entrepreneurial like selling on EBay? The account could be in your name and he does the selling

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On a practical note, separation sounds even more expensive. So then you would have to pay for a separate apartment for him? I don’t get how that’s helpful.

Also, if he’s taking care of your kid all day, you are saving quite a bit of money on childcare. If it were me in this situation, I would make sure he completes his degree by the time his work approval comes so he can hit the ground running at that point. I’d also honestly have more kids (if that’s what y’all want) while you have a built in stay at home dad. So in 2027 your family is complete, you are out of the baby stage (daycare free!) and he’s ready to start financially contributing.

Taking care of your baby and finishing his degree are the two best uses of his time.

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He can do obstacles in the evenings and weekends, and watch the kid during the day!

There are plenty of jobs that pay cash if that’s the main frustration you have.

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It’s not smart but easy to remain undetected in those settings. Certain well known places do just that, won’t list here. Hotels even hire plenty of immigrants.
Granted 140 is well enough to cover 3 people. Parents raised me 60ish HHI

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