Hi ladies.. a sensitive question. I’m having an affair (no judgment please) with someone who is in my workplace. We are both married for several years, both from India and both working in the US. We have children, which is adding to the complications. We want to be together but how do we do thing in a sensible way? Our spouses don’t suspect anything but I don’t want to live like this. I know what you must be thinking, but sometimes love is unpredictable..

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I have lost a dear friend to cheating (married over 10 years, 2 kids) which shaped my conservative views regarding cheating. Please don’t keep your spouse in dark any longer. Nobody deserves to be cheated and the worse situation is when they find for themselves that they are being cheated upon. The betrayal and pain comes in waves beyond imagination. Whether you and your preferred person decide to stay together or not, whether you get visitation rights for your kids or not, whether you are your spouse work through this as adults comes after you stop denying the fact that your marriage is over and let your spouse know. Marriage ain’t forever in many cases, and it’s okay to find love again, however cheating and betrayal isn’t okay. Tell your spouse now. Give him the dignity and respect. My words might sound harsh but that’s because I am lost a friend who accidentally found her husband cheating with his colleague and committed suicide. Nobody ended up happy in this case, and the only the kids ended up suffering for adults action or lack of action. This could have gone other way as well. Civilized parting and coparenting (which is way common than you would think) but was lost because my fiends husband did not respect my friend enough to tell her about his cheating.

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Could you keep it a secret until divorce and divorce your husband making it look like a compatibility issue? Divorcing because of an affair could hurt your husband in ways you cannot image and divorce will get very ugly.

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This is a tough situation for everyone involved. I’m glad that you felt that this was a safe space to share this. I think it will be best to reach out to a divorce lawyer for advice to understand what the legal separation will look like for you in the best case and worst cases and how to go about it should you decide that divorce is the route you would like to pursue. Talking with a lawyer with help provide some clarity on what custody, timeline, finances, etc. will look like. I understand that this is situation you can’t share with others easily or without judgment, so I would definitely talk to a therapist as well. It will help you talk through the situation out loud and understand if you want to proceed with separation. Start from the beginning to try and reflect if your love for your partner/colleague is the only reason for the potential divorce from your husband. Then, discuss how life post divorce and marriage with your new partner will look like and if that is truly what would make you happy/what you want for your future. As someone mentioned, you will have to be involved in your new partner’s children’s and Ex’s lives and vice versa attending bdays, graduations, marriages, etc. Post divorce and getting together with your new partner, you will also be introducing your new partner to your family and friends. After discussing these points with a lawyer and therapist, please talk to your new partner/colleague and confirm if you both are on the same page with next steps. Is he also willing to get a divorce and get together with you officially? This may not even be a question now, but some people do get cold feet. Finally, should you proceed with the divorce, just try to remember how much you love/care for your current husband, so that you can do this in the most respectful way possible and limit any potential future resentment (divorce lawyers may not remember that unless you remind them that this matters to you). I hope things work out as smoothly as possible for you and everyone involved OP.

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Bowl leader giving the best advice and guidance always 🥺 Sending my best to OP

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There is no smooth way to proceed in this case . face it , separate from your spouses & continue . Also chances are neither of you be getting children custody if your spouses drag this to courts as this is an affair. so it will be just you & ur affair buddy in the future

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Sometimes we don't get all what we want in one person.

Do a weighted pros and cons list. Children are involved here and I'd think about what you get with the new family grouping vs old family grouping, including the fact that you may now have to spend time with the other person's children when they visit and your children will have to get comfortable with the new man in your life. When children are in the equation, I feel like any two people's intimacy goes for a toss.

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well OP might not even get her children custody in this case if her spouse chooses to fight it as this is an affair . it will be pretty easy to prove it. same will happen to her partner so eventually they will be all each others . so it might actually work in their favour unless they are desparate for their kids.

I am not married and don’t have kids so I can’t comment. BUT - I do know how it feels when someone cheats on you.

There is shame, anger, betrayal, pain…and it leads to repercussions of loss of trust in A LOT of areas (prof and personal). The longer this goes on, the worse it gets.

Whatever you decide to do, don’t “waste time”. I wish I could say this more kindly, but this is the only language I can sum up.

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… I still love my husband but more as a friend. He is a great father, but I need more. Have any of you been in a similar position?

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Unfortunately no advice that doesn’t make you both look like home wreckers. Anyways, gotta face the music, so hopefully you’ll think of how this will affect your children before you unleash your drama. Try to minimise damage as much as possible and be as cordial with their other parents.

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It is a tough situation. I know love can be unpredictable but I agree with being honest. You need to decide what you want rather than what you want right now and work to get what you want. Wishing you the best in a tough tough situation.

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I haven’t gone through your situation but I can understand. I would want to make sure that you and your coworker are actually compatible. I worry that rn things may be rosy just Bc hes better than what you have at home, but once y’all actually end up together, it may be different

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