Hi Ladies,
How do you approach when your daughter (8) is invited to a sleepover/pool party at a hotel with other girls she’s friends with? I know the family a little from afar as our kids are in the same class/extracurricular activities but I don’t know them well. I’m going to assume the mom will be there but I just don’t know how to approach the convo without coming off weird.

likesmart
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Hello, I would not be afraid at all to approach this conversation because that’s your child and it’s a good thing to be a concerned parent. You could casually bring it up by asking if other parents are attending and that will lead the mother to either invite you to stay too or she’ll tell you she will be present for the party. As a mother, if I had a party like that for my daughter I’d be concerned if parents just dropped their kids off without contacting me first! I hope this helps and good luck!

likehelpful

Thanks! I definitely think a call would be good.

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1 in 5 women experience sexual assault in their lifetime and sexual assault DOES NOT happen in dark alley’s with strangers. Predators position themselves to gain access to their victims. Don’t worry about making it weird, worry about covering all of your tracks prior to letting her go, if you let her go at all. You are her protector, protecting her should be your only mission!

Personal, if any men were going it would be a hard no for me. I’d approach it in a friendly way and ask if she needs an additional hand in the party and that you’re happy to pay for your room.

I have a background in mental health and corrections. I have sat down with many many many predators and can promise you they don’t have a sign on their forehead. The person that wants to position themselves to be alone with a child should be red flag #1 and the person that calls themselves a “good Christian” #2.

likesmart

Yea I wonder where the data comes from & how they can get more accurate numbers…. Anonymous surveys across the US? Idk! I certainly didn’t report any of mine and neither did any of my friends

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Fuck no. 8 year old? Nope. And you don’t know the family well? Hard pass.

likefunny

My husband and I would say no as well… I’ll take you to hang out but not you’re not staying the night

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I would not let my daughter attend this. Especially if I did not know the responsible parent very well. Will there be a responsible adult you trust sleeping in each room? Sounds like not. For me this would be a hard pass.

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Pools can be dangerous/ risky places. I'd only let her go if 2 life guards will be in situ and maybe not sleepover...might be a little disappointing for her though.

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Talk to the parents for sure. There’s no shame in that, and no reasonable parent is going to be offended that you have questions about the details when the plan is to drop your child off at a hotel. If the parents are offended, there’s enough of a red flag for me that I wouldn’t let my daughter go.

The hotel party can be nice because there are more beds for the girls to sleep in, and less clean up for the family. It can be bad because the girls are in a hotel, which means easier access to strangers that neither you nor the host parents know. I’d ask a lot of questions about how many girls, how many adults, what kind of room (I.e. is it an adjoining room, a suite, not connected to where adults are sleeping at all, etc.), are they taking the girls somewhere to eat or ordering in, who is supervising while swimming, etc.

likehelpful

100% agree

like

A couple of suggestions. You could book a room in the hotel to stay close and monitor; send your daughter with a phone so she can call you if she needs to. I understand your hesitation about the dad being there but we can’t villainize good dads that are there and involved in raising their children.

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Call the mom. Ask for the details. Then make your decision.

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That’s a no for me unless I am Invited. I’ll take her to the pool party while I wait for her there, but no sleep Overs.

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It’s not weird at all to ask. It would be weird not to, in my opinion. I am very (probably too) protective, so I don’t let my kids go to functions and parties like this, but we have tons of parties and events for the kiddos. I am always a little leery of the parents who just drop their kids off and don’t even want to meet me. I love it when the parents accept my invitation for them to come in, look around, and stay if they want. Most don’t stay, but I think it’s a good sign when they show interest and concern for their kids.

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Like other opinions here, I would let her attend the party, but wouldn’t let her stay for the sleepover if I didn’t know the parents that well. I grew never having a sleepover. It felt suck at that time, but looking back I’m glad that my parent were protective of me. Not to make you scared, but I knew my friends did sleepovers and it went wild. Make sure you do your due diligence towards the family and your daughter’s friends.

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I was invited to party’s like this as a kid. The grandma slept in our room but fell asleep and we left to run around like idiots. Nothing bad happened to us, but obviously the potential was there. Now as a mom, my kid could go but I’d be there and either bring her home or get a room she can sleep in with me once she’s done having fun.

likesmart

I wouldn’t be afraid to ask about the level of supervision that will be available.

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Trust your instincts, ask questions, only do what you are comfortable with and I highly recommend the book, “Protecting the Gift”, I’m re-reading it again as my daughter is now a teen.

likesmarthelpful

A couple of things. 1) it is always okay to ask for more details and listen to your gut feelings. (With my oldest I took the example from other experienced parents and one of the longest lasting impressions was the mom who knocked on my door to meet me when dropping off her son for a get together of a handful of boys. In hindsight I was shocked that she was the only one!). 2). For this or other events: Keep in mind a back up plan for if something doesn’t seem right at drop off (whether it’s that you stay for awhile to see if it’s okay, or have some invented sudden reason that you both need to go). These are just things I have learned over time and I eventually was far less worried about what people might think of me for asking questions for my children’s safety. Good luck and hopefully it’s a fun event that your daughter can enjoy. 😊

likehelpful

I think you should just call the mom and ask all your questions. As a fellow mom, I would completely understand. I can’t see why anyone would be offended or take it the wrong way. Also, if it’s financially possible, you could spend the night in the same hotel and/or offer to be a host or chaperone and get to know the Mom and girls a bit better .

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Nope. I know too many people who were molested at sleepovers. Either by peers, older siblings or friends or parents. You don’t know them well? Definitely not.

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The parent or guardian hosting the child's party should have a clear itinerary and list of who was invited and who is attending. What other parents will be attending/ chaperoning? This is very important because if it's all-girls, I'd want to know that each chaperone is a woman with no brothers, uncles, dads, etc. allowed. Can the chaperones swim or trained in CPR? If not, will there be lifeguard staff on duty? What activities are planned for the sleepover (i.e. movies, snacks, games, [things that will actually tire them out and ensure they go to sleep at some point])?

If I were you, I would have this conversation as soon as possible. If all my concerns were not cleared up, I would take her to the party part and return home and have "sleepover activities" with her there.

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Yes!

I did this once for a 9 year old party and it was so fun! Basically the family wanted the daughter to have a bunch of friends without the clean up and with free pool fun. I would say let her go.

likesmart

You have every right to ask questions so you’re comfortable with the party. My daughter is 9 and has gone to 2 sleepovers but I know the parents and the girls who were there well. It’s an early age so I’m sure other parents have questions as well.

Can you send an email? That might make it feel a little less weird? I would say that it has to be expected that the parents will get questions considering the age of the children involved, so don’t be shy about asking about any of your concerns. I’d have a list a mile long and a request for a pre-bedtime call before I agreed to letting my kiddo stay.

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I would be attending as well. Especially since you don’t know the family. They could probably use the help.

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I’m in a similar situation at the moment. But in my case I don’t know the child nor parent at all. My daughter is allowed to attend the party but not sleep over. If it was a friend who’s parents I know more then I’m fine letting her go. My sons therapist once told me that sheltering a child will not always prevent bad things from happening and sometimes it’s worse. I was abused as a child and I have to learn not to hover and be overprotective with either of my kids but still practice precaution. There’s a line, but we are all learning what our boundaries are.

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I definitely can empathize with you. I do feel mostly it will be ok. I can understand being too overprotective can actually do more harm. I’ve met others who grew up overprotected and went through crazy phases rather than others. Obviously it differs case by case. Im thinking to allow her to go but not sure if dad will allow her to sleepover, he’s a worry wart

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