Hi Ladies, I need some impartial advice. I got married last year (we were dating for 4 years prior to that) and w constantly fought about some small and some big things (like him getting ..cont.)

likehelpful
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I would be walking away. You don’t trust him already and it doesn’t sound like he wants to change at all. I would rather be on my own than constantly dealing with the mental challenge of that relationship.

like

He might be an alcoholic. Maybe try going to couples counseling . And also try to get him to seek therapy on his own. He probably needs to develop other healthy outlets to have fun without drinking.

likesmart

OP - one doesn’t have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Have a friend who has been to treatment so many times he knows how to play the game and abstain when he has to.

Conversely he has brought to detox nearly dead on numerous occasions. It’s destroyed family and personal relationships and has been going on for over 25 years (he’s 46 now)....and now he wonders why he is alone.

likesmart

You already know you should leave. This man is showing you who he wants to be and he is unwilling to consider changing to make the relationship work. He isn’t even **saying** he will try to change— he’s been extremely clear how he wants to behave. Don’t wait around for him to become someone he isn’t.

likehelpful

This is literally identical to the scenario I was in with my now ex-husband. He did all of this before marriage and while engaged, and vowed to change and stop drinking. He didn’t. And it was like a cancer. I was anxious and a lunatic every time he had even a few drinks, but then 100% of the time that he did start drinking, shady things happened. It started to impact my confidence as I assumed I wasn’t enough for him to change. If he can’t change now I doubt it will happen.

We tried everything, counseling, him stopping drinking, separating, getting back together. It never stopped.

I’m thankful I got out and now I’m in a respectful and loving relationship. You deserve this too

likeuplifting

The dating app is a deal breaker for me- especially in this ‘hook up culture” we live in. (The kiss on the cheek doesn’t bother me as much as that.) Overall, find a man that respects you, and your boundaries.

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I think you may be overreacting a little. 😬 just my 2 cents. It was his bachelor party.. not a random Tuesday. And I know many alcoholics and from what you have described, he doesn’t sound like one. Sounds like he drinks to de-stress and be social. I literally just told my fiancé I’d do sober oct with him.. made it 4 days. It’s not something to divorce someone over.. 🤷🏻‍♀️ the app is a different story.. were you married then?

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A2 - it's not about agreeing with the masses. The issue here is maybe you and OP's husband are not alcoholics but there is an issue in how you both are coping with stress. Additionally, OP is not able to trust her husband because he can't follow through on his promises AND he's hiding things that she finds out later. That's where the other response about couple's therapy could help. OP's husband and OP could probably also each do with their own session.

like

Don’t believe the words, believe the actions and all the more patterns of behavior!

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On a dating app abroad (claimed he didn’t do anything when I found out, he was just bored) then right after our ceremony, I saw this picture of him drunk “kissing a girl on her cheek” during his bachelor. Every time these issues happened he was very apologetic and vowed to change. The main cause he attributed was drinking and promised to stop drinking.. but after a few weeks he started drinking again saying that he just won’t get “drunk”. But now every time he drinks to a point that he is “tipsy” I lose my shit, he also drinks more when he is on business trips and I am not there. I can’t decide if this is a deal breaker and do I need to leave this relationship or am I making a big deal. I worry that if he can’t even keep such a simple promise, how can we have a life together. What if he forgets to pick the kids up in future. It just shows me that he doesn’t care but not sure if anyone knows if being in marriage longer changes any of these traits? I do not know if I will ever fully trust him again

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Honestly that alcohol seems like a cop out reason for kissing girls/cheating. I’d focus lasers on cheat detecting and alcohol consumption in a graph. At the end of the result makes you distrust him you need out of that thing now. Lies are like roaches—where you see one there are hundreds.

likesmart

I echo @MC1 — if you can get to couples counseling maybe they can help root out the core problem that would better help you determine whether or not it’s a dealbreaker. (Like, is he an alcoholic who can and will enter recovery; or is he a Peter Pan who will make you his scold for the next 60 years).

like

Why did you marry him?!

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Thank you everyone for your candor, you all have definitely given me a lot to think about - thank you

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A friend of mine got married recently, and within a week after getting married, she was back to complaining about all the things she complained about before the wedding...he spends too much time drinking, watching sports, hanging out with people she doesn’t like, etc. The only thing I could say is exactly what I said to her before they got engaged...which is that marriage doesn’t change a man. Who he was before the ceremony is exactly who he will he after it. If you can’t live with that, don’t marry him.

like

Read John Gottman’s book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” or watch any of his You Tube videos, especially those about the “Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse.” Does he have the skills and mindset needed to be a good partner? If not does he have the willingness to work on them? It’s hard enough to change ourselves - we can’t change other people. Assess him honestly, exactly as he is. Good luck!

like

That man is observant like whoa.

I’d walk away 100%. If he means the excuse of alcohol then he is an alcoholic. If he doesn’t mean that and behaves that way he is a shitty guy who disrespects you. You don’t need either.

Regarding the counselors: you need to find one that will talk to you together, then individually, then together again.
After years of going to therapy only to have my ex make me seem like I was the problem, we landed with a therapist who saw through his bullshit.
He told me that my ex was indeed an alcoholic, wrapped around a personality disorder, wrapped around bipolar. He offered to help coach us through but my ex made it clear that he thought me and the therapist were ganging up on him and that he had no intention of working with this "asshole".
Gave me permission to give up on him and it was sweet glorious freedom from second guessing myself and trying to fix the unfixable.
years later, my ex finally entered a program after his wife found him near dead and took him for medical detox.
good luck. trust your gut

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