{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "How can I be excited about my own pregnancy while being sensitive to others who may be struggling with fertility/pregnancy? I don’t want to make anyone sad or offend anyone 😕", "post_id": "610acc2f5593040028369a29", "reply_count": 18, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "58f81646ae9f610010f869be", "bowl_name": "Consulting Moms" }

How can I be excited about my own pregnancy while being sensitive to others who may be struggling with fertility/pregnancy? I don’t want to make anyone sad or offend anyone 😕

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I struggled for years to get pregnant. For me, it always just hurt the first night I found out someone was pregnant (mostly self pity on why others could get pregnant and why couldn’t I). My husband let me cry it out and then the next day I was good and wanted to hear all about how they were feeling and how they were doing. It wasn’t always easy, but it’s better to celebrate than to be sad every time. But I think everyone is unique. I don’t want people hiding how they are feeling (i.e. missing sushi) bc that’s a part of their joy and I can celebrate with them. But that’s me. I’ll add, my SIL has had two miscarriages and her infant died a few days birth due to a heart defect and she cannot even acknowledge that I’m pregnant. While she and her therapist have agreed it is what is best for her, it’s hard for me and my husband to deal with not talking about being pregnant or any of our challenges/excitement in front of half of our family. We are trying to be super respectful of her individual feelings bc she has had a really difficult time with others getting pregnant. Again, totally different than my reaction, but also different situation and different people.

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The same thing happened to my friend, so they had a low key announcement.

It's great that you want to be self aware but you also shouldn't dismiss your own feelings. For context, we did have an easy time with our first following by miscarriage and 8 or so months of trying before we succeeded again. I know people that have gone through difficulties for years so by no means is my experience a hardship. One of my husband's closest friends wife was going through a pretty serious depression because of it. We didn't speak about our pregnancy in front of them, and we asked him privately if they even wanted to be invited to our baby shower and stuff. He said it wasn't a good idea so we followed his lead. Definitely be sensitive around people you know are having trouble and don't flaunt your pregnancy, but you are allowed to enjoy this time without feeling excessively guilty for those who can't. It's just like with everything else - know your audience. Congratulations!

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It’s a good question. I told some old girlfriends recently about my pregnancy (third baby) and mentioned that I’d had two early miscarriages before this pregnancy. In return I learned that one of my childhood friends has had two much later miscarriages this year. I felt like a jerk for sharing my happy news even though I think she was genuinely just sharing her story too

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This is a great question and thank you for being aware enough to ask. I could write a book about this topic, but I'll try and give a cliff notes version. Don't talk about how you: * can't have lunch meat * can't sit in a hot tub * can't ride a jet ski * miss sushi * are so excited not to have a period * about how easy it was to get pregnant * about the first thing you'll eat after the baby was born * about how much the heartburn/ morning sickness sucks (I understand that this is a real thing for you, but to your friend who is struggling, they welcome that symptom) And please don't suggest adoption. While it is an amazing thing, if you have a friend that is trying and trying, for some reason it stings. I didn't realize this before having problems myself. The list can go on, and unfortunately anything can be a trigger. You should be allowed to celebrate your pregnancy. It seems like you are aware of your audience and that is a good thing. It is certainly a difficult situation to navigate. I have two LO's now ages six and four. We were having dinner with a few of our couple friends a year ago and the conversation turned to how quickly they got pregnant, how they told their husbands, etc. I was gutted years later and had to leave. We found out from a blood test result from the doctor both times. There was no waiting for the line to turn pink. Again, I want to reiterate how tricky this is and again praise you for still considering others when you should be celebrating. I realize this was lengthy and maybe a little Debbie Downer, but I definitely destroyed a very valued friendship because I couldn't handle things myself.

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There are women who would love to find out from a blood test and will never have that experience. I’d remember that, especially on a post like this. I would add that to your list of things not to complain about. Congrats on your two children.

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This totally depends on the person. I would take their lead… if they ask you about it, it’s ok to talk about it. Otherwise, I’d steer the conversation other places. My (younger) sister tried for over a year to get pregnant, and it drove a huge wedge between her and her now ex-husband when it didn’t happen. When I got pregnant I was almost scared/nervous to tell her because it happened so fast. She pulled me aside and said she was so excited and happy for me and my husband and that she wanted to hear all about it. I told her I wanted to be sensitive to her and that I was happy to keep some things under wraps, but she insisted. She’s beyond pumped to be the “cool aunt” and I’m glad I can share this with her. (I’m due tomorrow, so hopefully she is a cool aunt any day now!) I share this because you might find that people go completely the other way with it. Let them guide you to where they’re comfortable engaging.

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Same. My older sister has been trying for 8 years and still is. I got pregnant last year unexpectedly (I’ve pcos and didn’t think I could get pregnant easily and we did have unprotected sex) and the first time we had unprotected sex I got pregnant. I say this as a backstory to explain the situation. I think my mom was more nervous to break the news to my sister. Once we did, my sis was very very happy for me and she loves the baby (he came in June!) Once in a while when she’s pissed that it isn’t workin for her she will say stuff like “you’d a crap ton of issues and it worked for you”. I do feel a little hurt but just let her vent it out cos I know her struggle

I have the same question. I got pregnant before our small family wedding this year and my SIL has been struggling to get pregnant. She had a miscarriage last year and this year. We were told to be mindful of how we announce which was hurtful to me as this is my first child and the only time I could share with my family given covid and not being able to see anyone. I get that it’s hard for her but I also think it’s a little selfish to not be happy for others unless you are happy. Other mamas who have gone through this, not trying to be insensitive but it’s just how I felt. I get it’s really hard. If the roles were reversed she’s the kind of person who would not be okay with being told to announce differently and having to hide excitement on a big weekend. Anyways, she never congratulated us and when the other SIL said to me she told her I was pregnant she’s goes to me “yeah I heard”. This was at our welcome event for the wedding. She cried majority of the time and was extremely rude to my whole family. After the wedding she never acknowledged our baby except for a few weeks ago. Im currently 6 months pregnant and was at 10 weeks at the wedding. I’m not sure where to really go from here? I guess normally I’m the kind of person who would reach out and see how she’s doing but the wedding put a bad taste in my mouth.

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I can see both sides of this coin. IMHO, if she's that far down, nothing you say will make it better. Saying something may add more stress to the situation. Celebrate your baby! You absolutely should! Give her room to grieve, because she is. This is very direct so apologies if I offend, unless she gets pregnant before your baby arrives or she has a radical shift, her grieving may intensify. Focus on you, keep your stress levels low (hopefully your partner is helping here), and keep growing your beautiful baby!

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I labored during my second miscarriage and it was always annoying when people would talk about their deliveries and postpartum as if I wouldn’t know- like they were in a special club. Sounds weird but it happened a lot. I finally started saying “at least you have a baby to show for it”. Passive aggressive, but got the point across. I have a healthy baby now and just for the record, my miscarriage was much more painful (and obviously traumatic) than my delivery and postpartum.

I’m so sorry you went through that. thank you for sharing and congratulations on your healthy baby.

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