how do I get better at taking feedback? I know it is not personal but I get super defensive and feel really bad about myself afterward. This definitely stems from my childhood but it's getting really hard to get better at my work while also knowing that I will feel like really bad and down on myself after asking for feedback (I want to avoid it all costs). Anyone else relate?

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Die inside, I just don’t take it personally. It’s business also be honest with yourself what could you do better, what are you happy with?

likefunny

Ego death confirmed best way to stop caring about nonsense

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Yes - I usually take it personally, too. I try to acknowledge but not comment on it in the moment. Then consider it after I've had time to digest/sleep on it. It helps me to separate the feedback from my feelings and look at it more objectively.

likehelpful

I stopped getting emotional to feedback when I personally felt my work was valuable, and I respected the people delivering it. I know that wasn’t very helpful, but could be an indication that you might could consider changing your environment.

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I def beat myself up for it too. Just know that every single person has gotten very harsh feedback before. As long as the person giving it has good intentions, I think you’ll get used to separating your work self from your own self worth. Even the most experienced professionals still struggle with feedback, esp if it’s someone important higher up that’s giving it.

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I often get emotional when receiving feedback as well. But one thing I have been trying to do is reframe my mindset to take feedback as something objective instead of subjective. You won’t be fired for it so you may as well take it in and aim to improve as it will probably strengthen your skills and your relationship with whoever gave the feedback

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Think of feedback as a gift. Someone is taking the time to help you improve and advance in your career. It’s a way for you to grow.

You are not expected to be perfect or know everything so having someone else share their expertise or experience with you is a positive event rather than a negative one.

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Working on detaching my identity from my work. Knowing my value is inherent and not tied to my job. It’s really fucking hard lol

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Plants grow from eating shit.

uplifting

It helps if I lead with what I thought could be improved when asking for feedback.

"I thought my presentation could have been more concise. What are your thoughts on how I could improve for next time?"

smart

I usually take it a bit personally too, but also try to realize that everyone has faults and it’s perfectly fine to have growth areas and much better that you are informed of them than not. Over the years it’s become easier. I am pretty familiar with my personality and performance at this point and can usually guess what my feedback will be.

Think of it this way, most of your favorite or highly intelligent coworkers still have things they could improve upon. Maybe make a list of feedback for these people you respect and like (not necessarily to share with them), then it might help you to cope with your own feedback.

If it truly is overwhelming, then I would consider seeking some help to work through your childhood issues.

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Have a plan of positive ways to react to the negative feedback before you receive it. So for example imagine follow up questions that would be helpful and can break the defensiveness in the moment. That way you have something to grasp into at that moment. Since you don't know what feedback will be, think of generic questions, or questions that can be molded to the actual feedback. Like, what would be a better approach to x? At what point should things have steered differently?

Read Marcus Aurelius’s mediations and join the stoics

Feedback is so…..I don’t know. It’s helpful but it’s also bs. People check boxes and select areas of development because they’re forced to. I’ve had constructive feedback on items that were straight bs and not related to my role. Now I have a PML who is honest and doesn’t give nonsense feedback. Take it with a grain of salt but as others mentioned, you know what you need to work on. I also used to assess myself during regular touch points with my superiors. It doesn’t sting as much when you acknowledge it.

I used to have this a lot too. I’ve simply started saying “thank you for the feedback” and do not provide any excuses, etc. unless I feel the feedback is easily unfair/not true.

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