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Get to the point quick. Everything you write should have that quick impact. If a sentence you wrote doesn’t have a direct impact to the story you are telling, get rid of it.
Rising Star
This is a good tip. In addition I would say get rid of every adverb on your slides, and proofread everything at least once before sending on to managers. You'll even find ways to simplify after you take a break and read it again.
It's also about knowing your audience, so if your manager is tweaking the language it's likely that they are drawing on their industry and client knowledge to customize the message based on that.
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Minto Pyramid Principle
Pro
This. Get, read, learn and build this into your SOP.
Listen, learn from the feedback. You’ll get there. Give yourself some time- you’ll be the expert in time.
Rising Star
Verb your nouns.
Be concise.
Write at least two drafts before the final product.
Take feedback with an open mind.
Doing proposals addressing different client issues. Getting to the point succinctly and framing it so the reader will care vs. just getting your point across. The more senior the audience, the simpler the language should be. It just takes time and experience to flow here, even for good writers.
Observe. There are a lot of good writers around you. Take notice and start applying a similar structure in your own messaging.
I read an HBR article years ago on how to write emails like the army. I generally apply those principles to much of my writing. You can also find a lot of articles on how to write like people at Amazon.