How do you all tackle people who come back into your life when it’s convenient for them? My former friend from college has been pushing to do zoom calls with my friend group. She doesn’t live in the same city as the rest of us and before COVID, she wasn’t involved with our lives. Now that her friends in her city are MIA, she wants to reconnect with the group but she makes insensitive comments and I just don’t have interest in being her friend. How do I convey this to my friend group?

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Wait, so...in the midst of a pandemic, she realized her new friends were shallow and she's making an effort to reconnect with her old friends despite them living in another city...and you think she's doing what's convenient for her? To me, it sounds like she's had a tough year and is maybe realizing she didn't cherish more meaningful friendships when she had them.

The insensitive comments part is definitely an issue and maybe something to call her out on privately but tbh it kind of sounds like there's something else here bothering you. Are you worried she'll divide the friend group? Or is there something that's making you feel insecure/territorial? No judgment because I've been there but just wondering because it really doesn't sound like she's an issue that needs to be "tackled."

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OP, that makes sense. As someone who isn't always the greatest about keeping up with long distance friends regularly, I'd just say I think she might benefit from knowing how her behavior is making you feel. If you already have talked with her directly about this, then agreed, may be time to create some virtual distance.

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maybe just opt out of those calls and keep a separate gc with the other friends? say you're busy or not feeling well

what kinds of comments does she make? asking bc I'm usually the one trying to reconnect w friends but now I'm wondering if it annoys people 🥲

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ah I see, that's definitely an annoying comment 😔 don't put up with that. i think your friends would understand if you didn't wanna be part of that and would be open to having a separate line of communication

try the different group chats! it's nice because sometimes you don't necessarily want to talk to the whole group and you can talk in more intimate settings 😊

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OP I know this isn’t what you mean at all but it makes me feel bad for sporadically reconnecting with old friends (who I do genuinely care about, I’m just drowning in work all the time 😔)

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You didn’t! I’m glad you’re cutting this toxic person out of your life and good luck!!

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Honestly it seems like the main problem here is that someone you don’t like is reaching out to you and trying to insert herself into your life without your invitation. That’s a valid thing to feel annoyed about and if the other people are really your friends, I’d find 1 or 2 of them to confide in to see if they might feel the same way and are willing to hang out separately. If multiple people dislike her then this could save you the trouble of putting up with someone nobody likes just to be polite. If you’re outnumbered and everyone else seems to like her, then that’s too bad, but it shouldn’t be an issue as long as you voice your concerns about her (esp. her insensitivity) respectfully to your current friends.

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I appreciate this, I’ll reach out to my friends in the morning and see what they think.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but her comment about weight and size were about her and her experience. People come in different shapes and sizes and being a size 16 looks and feels different for different people. I would give some thought to what nerve that comment struck inside you that translated to negative energy that needs to be eliminated from your life. It sounds like you just don’t want to be friends with this person, so I think you opt in or out based on how you feel when invited. You don’t need any of your other friends to validate that you are justified in your lack of interest in this friendship. I wouldn’t stir up drama among friends by taking to each person about whether or not they want to engage with this old friend. You may choose to participate in occasional group meet ups to connect with the people you do like. You might always opt out. Either option is just fine and requires no explaining. If asked, just say that the configuration of the group doesn’t work for you.

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I agree. There may be other comments that were actually insensitive but size is relative. I have friends who are slightly shorter and if they were ever my numerical size / weight, they would not be healthy or look good on them. I also have friends who are my same height and they feel fat if they are 20 lbs lighter than me and 4 sizes smaller than me. That’s for them to decide, and is based on their life experience, securities or insecurities, relationship with food, where weight sits on them, brands of clothes, type of clothes, and so much more...
Also agree there likely isn’t any reason to involve your other friends unless you actually get the vibe that many of them don’t want her on the calls.

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I reached out to a ton of people from college this year just to make sure they were okay and see how they were doing - others did the same. It’s one thing if you guys were never friends, but if you were actually friends give her a pass. If there is anything I’ve learned this year it’s prioritizing my relationships and doing what I can to be good to other people. If she says stuff that bothers you, talk to her in private. Freezing anyone out of a friend group IMO is really unnecessary.

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I’ve always just had this relationship with my close friends, but I would be blunt about it. Tell them how you feel and that they are welcome to invite her to things, but you have no interest in engaging with her.

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I get where you’re coming from. I’m just gonna be frank, it seems you’re fed up, don’t deal with it if it doesn’t serve you, it seems she likes to swindle in and out of your life when most convenient for her. You don’t owe her anything. And just reading all the other comments, remember that people don’t really owe us anything and neither do they even if they are friends. If the relationship is more negative than a positive experience just cut it. Talk to your friends and be up front that you don’t want to engage and they can make their own decisions as adults whether they want to interact with her or not. Long to short story I come from a high school crew with a friend who would like to post about us on social media as a image thing since we have been friends for so long but then never show up to shared events or reach out to any of us. After a few years passed we all took a trip and she blew up on us as if we thought to include her. I cut contact off with her prior to cause I’ve caught her trying to talk bad about me to another friend who straight up told her she can’t talk bad about me to her cause she’s my friend. My other friends handled it and told her she should evaluate the friendships on a individual basis. Funny thing is, from that day on none of them reached out to one another which just goes to show they also didn’t care to be in touch with her.

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