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Remember this from pre-WFH? Ah memories.
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Remember this from pre-WFH? Ah memories.
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I don't have super specific advice but it may be helpful to develop some practices that help fill her emotional cup. That way when you do spend time with each other, you can maximize your efforts and other caregivers can still meet her needs without her feeling like she's missing out when she can't be with you. Things like rough housing, jumping, tumbling games etc science experiments and building things also works great. If you can arrange it, it may be helpful to revise your schedule so you can commit to a morning or bedtime routine with her.
In any case, I'm sure you're doing your best and communicating clearly with your LO will go a long way. Plus she's getting older and will naturally want more independence so this time will be short lived.
Food for thought and totally not saying it applies in this situation - I used to have the same feelings about being at work. I clung full force to breast feeding as the “one” thing only I could do for them despite long hours at work and fed my baby to sleep every night and he built some bad habits, and my husband could never put him to bed because he’d scream his head off. Then I’d be resentful at my husband for not knowing how to put his son to sleep. It took about 1.5 years for me to feel comfortable having my husband put the toddler to sleep. I weaned breastfeeding, the kiddo started eating more real food and I did switch jobs from one working 60-70 hours a week to 40. Much better balance and my husband also found his groove taking care of our kid on his own.
After reading your story, it sparked for me some of the insecurity I used to feel around being a working parent. I actually love my job and there is no way in hell I’d ever be a stay at home mom, but for some reason I convinced myself I was doing the wrong thing by working and that my worth as a mother is determined by how much time I spend with my kids. Then it kind of became this self fulfilling prophecy of me thinking my kid wasn’t doing well without me when I also made it harder for them to do well without me, if that makes sense. In some ways I also blocked my husband from bonding with the baby in the same way (although I will say he also didn’t really stop me because he also thought it’d be easier if I did more of the child caretaking responsibilities!) so that made it worse for me.
My biggest takeaway is quality time is important. It’s not the hours but really the focus during the time that you’re together. My job was stressful so it took away from quality time, even when I was not at work I was thinking about it. Then I started feeling guilty because I hit a low on quality time. I’m trying to learn how to separate my different needs and focus more when it matters and offload that mental burden to my husband more. Also my husband has stepped up a lot more because I learned to better communicate what I need.
Assuming you are a two parent household - where is your spouse in this? Can they help meet some of these needs for quality time when you will have long hours? Is there anything that you’re unintentionally doing that might making it hard for your kid - for example, saying you’ll spend time with them and then having to change plans bc you got too caught up with work? 3 year olds hold you firm to promises, and knowing what to expect is so important to them. Are you working at home where they can see you all the time but not spend quality time with you? That can be super hard as I‘be learned through covid. Just brainstorming some ideas.
Again, this all might totally not apply, and I support you 💯 in making the decisions that work for your family. You are a great mom, and your kid is lucky to have you.
Coach
I want to add, she’s always been a highly emotional kiddo, but so so sweet. She’s a major extrovert, so her cup is filled through interaction with other people. She LOVES her time away with other kids and daycare, but also has high needs for connection at home too. There aren’t enough hours in the day to meet her needs when I work, but I have to work to pay the bills and feed this family. Im not truly built to be a SAHM, but it breaks my heart and I would if I could afford to just to meet my kids emotional needs. It stinks there’s no middle ground.
I don’t have advice but this breaks my heart. You’re doing such a great job being a mom, and it shows by her improvement in such a short time.
I moved next door to my parents so that we have more family around to love on my toddler. She’s also extroverted and LOVES her time with the grandparents. They watch her for just 2 hours per day after daycare, but it helps me finish up my work. Otherwise, I would have to cut back on my hours, which is really hard (easy to do officially, but reality is no one really works part time in my industry).
Coach
That’s the struggle… My mom was a primary caregiver until my oldest was just shy of 2yo when she passed away. My daughter was pretty close with her. My dad tries to compensate, but he just isn’t as much of a nurturer as my mom was. My MIL lives over an hour away and works - only shows up maybe once a month to see the kids. We’ve debated a cross country move to be close to my sisters family so the kids could grow up together and have their aunties, but it’s a big move to make and not affordable yet. We just don’t have major family support here, so it’s us and the kids plus their daycares.
If you are able to work-schedule-wise, make sure that during the week you have a predictable schedule with your daughter so she knows when she can count on time when you’re around. I have also read that setting 15-20 minutes of you and her time - no phone distractions - can really help. I also find that giving my daughter a heads up about when I’m going to be home or when the weekend is coming up helps. We don’t have family nearby, so when I work long hours (not as much with my new job the last couple months but very much so with my old job), my husband is the primary caretaker bc his job is less demanding. I feel your guilt. Just know she loves you.