How do you deal with a partner who wants to have team dinner every night? I just started a project and the SM said we’ll be viewed as “not a team player” if we try to blow it off

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The partner and SM should be mature enough to respect your choice. It’s juvenile to make a threat like that at any time, especially at the start of a project. Good luck.

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Explain to them that you’re happy to go every night as long as they can accommodate your dietary needs. And that you are dairy free, gluten free, and vegan, along with severe peanut allergies including kitchens who cook anything with nuts.

likefunnyhelpful
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You grow a pair and tell them you won't do it every night because you need some down time away from work.

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I did tell my partner in a similar situation that I want to spend time with my family virtually. I order in and eat with my kid and spouse. More precious to me than any Face time/ networking benefits.

likeupliftingsmart

I routinely decline team dinners. Talking to my SO, not drinking too much, and getting to the gym are all far more important to me and don't happen when there's team events. When I'm asked why or there's a comment about not being a team player I point out I need personal time and no one has ever argued. It's really not that hard to use your words and still be respectful.

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Be cool. Don’t be all ... like, uncool.

likefunny

P1: what gave the impression that the partner in discussion is a “she”?

likefunny

Outrage culture FTW.

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Sounds better than being forced to stay in the office til 8pm every night

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Oh that sounds miserable too. Butt soreness, uncomfortable fake laughter, expanding waistline

likefunny

Your SM needs to grow a spine

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Maybe your Partner isn’t too busy. She could think she’s being cool by offering. If you say no every time it’s one thing. Otherwise just say got some work to do and wiped out.

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Why bother saying you have work to do if you don’t? It’s perfectly acceptable to not want to spend every waking moment with your team. You pay me to do a job, not to dictate my actions both inside and outside of working hours for the duration of the project.

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Are you sure the partner wants a team dinner, and isn't just scheduling dinner for whomever can/wants to go? I ask only because I have dinner every night (gotta eat!) and invite my team every night, but have no expectation of them joining me except on the nights that are our official 'team dinner'.

If it really is a team dinner every single night, then I'd say you just explain that you've got things you personally want to do but will plan on joining once a week (or whatever). They will understand.

You don't need to go all the time, but I wouldn't go never, either.

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No these are like “dinner on the calendar” type of dinners

Just tell them you are out for the dinner, there is a good chance they are doing it for the teams benefit at least as much as their own

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Sack up.

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Did they say that or you just feel it? Don’t let the feels take over

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Talk to your coach. That’s BS

What’s so bad about that? Is it really that big of an inconvenience?

I sit in a team room all day with the same people. I like to work out, eat alone and talk to my family in the evening

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My team’s default is to grab dinner together. Probably because I set that as the standard, but also because we’re friends and for logistical reasons. No PPED, if that makes a difference and we definitely go out of our way to accommodate lifestyle and dietary choices/requirements (gym and celiacs/vegetarian). Still too much?

If these are typically quick dinners of 30min, maybe reasonable. But consulting is already a lot of close together team time (10+ hours in close proximity) and some people need alone time to recharge. Doesn’t matter what the topic of conversation is, or what the food is; definition of an introvert is one who recharges by being alone vs. extroverts who are energized by being around others. Allow space for different types of personalities on your team.

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Order really smelly food and problem will solve itself.

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