{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "How do you deal with overbearing mother? Mine can’t come to terms with the fact that I have my own life, travel, live far from home, etc. and always compares me to her friends whose kids call daily...", "post_id": "5e88d810938254002070e9c2", "reply_count": 19, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

How do you deal with overbearing mother? Mine can’t come to terms with the fact that I have my own life, travel, live far from home, etc. and always compares me to her friends whose kids call daily...

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I think they just miss you and it sounds over bearing to you but in reality they just need a human connection with you. It's a void in their life they are trying to fill. I actually call my mom everyday and ask her what's she doing even if have no updates. It makes them feel more loved. But my mom is by herself too in a different country

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Maybe start with the calling and the moving closer to home will fade into the background

If this is the state of your relationship I would strongly reconsider plans to move back next to them to settle down and have kids. Unless you want to hand them over to her and have your parenting decisions steamrolled and/or get even more screeds about how she’s now disappointed in her grandmother experience. Set boundaries. Examine your relationship; are YOU comfortable with the amount of contact? I image you’re a reasonable person who doesn’t want to hurt others. You get to decide what you’re willing to give here, and set boundaries like refusing to engage if she starts complaining and comparing. You can’t make her act better but you don’t have to entertain this.

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Are you Asian? (Any Asian, East, South etc). See this more in immigrant communities

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Hahahaha you nailed it

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For me? It takes therapy. I needed someone neutral to help me see her perspective and needs, to let me vent, and to help me talk to her. Why do you think your independence and distance are issues for her? Is she jealous, or anxious, or...? Why does quantity of calls matter more than quality of calls? Why does she feel a need to compare this with friends? What’s unhappy or stressful in her life? Like is she facing health issues or bad boss or in bad relationship or something? Maybe she’s taking that out on you. Etc Ideas Try to find something to share together over distance - read sane book or watch sane tv show and bond over that When you talk about travel or accomplishments, acknowledge that you’re thankful for some way she helped you get there. Show interest in her life. Try to understand her perspective by asking why some criticism is so important or telling her gently how it makes you feel. Call at predictable time. Maybe more often during covid 19.

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😂😂

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I have a cousin and she pretends she is working all the time when her mom calls. And when she calls it’s usually late at night and says she’s just heading back home etc. Works wonders for her.

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Contd. or live near/at home and are very involved in their parents lives. I’m several years out from moving close to home and settling down and having kids. I love my Mom but she’s become completely toxic and it’s driving a big wedge between us.

Tbh... it seems like you built a life without her and she feels left out. You seem to be focused on her her her being the issue but boast about your life. If you guys weren’t ever close and have bad history cool. But if not... you should probably make more of an effort to connect with her emotionally and show her you haven’t forgotten about her.

Not really sure where you got the boasting piece from.

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Before COVID, I called my mom 1-2x a day, on the 10min walk to work. She’s a little like yours but the quick check-ins made her happy (and also make me miss her less). Can you try something like that? If you had a good relationship before, it would be good to make more room for her. If you never did — alas, I don’t have advice for that except to set strict boundaries.

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