How do you deal with toxic Asians with a superiority complex that constantly "other" and insult you as "white"?

I'm definitely 2nd Gen/ABC, so not the most culturally Asian. That being said, still celebrate key holidays so it's annoying and borderline bigoted when some tells me I'm "not Asian" and "white." My parents chose to raise me more American so I fit in, so to be insulted over something I didn't "choose" gets annoying.

* not a work thing, but someone with mutual friends I can't avoid

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This is quite eye-opening to read, as somewhat being on “the other side”. When I moved here in middle school, many ABCs constantly made me feel less worthy due to their internalized racism. The “superiority complex” was from hanging out with white friends and speaking English without an Asian accent. I tried so hard to fit in by giving up a lot of my own cultural identity (being called a “fob” wasn’t a nice feeling for a teenager desperately yearning for a sense of belonging)

Throughout college, I started to embrace my cultural knowledge. I studied and worked in Asia for 2 years and during this time, I was able to see things from a very different angle. Now at work, I often leverage my ability to fluently articulate beautiful parts of my culture (food, traditions, etc.) to celebrate with friends and colleagues 😁😌

I share this so you see where those people might be coming from… And tactically, the best way to counter the “holier than thou” attitude is perhaps to learn more about your culture (learn to speak canto - old tvb is great lol, learn to cook some great dishes, learn some folklores, call your grandparents more, etc.)

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I’m onboard with Oracle1 here that would be fantastic.

I have a lot of thoughts on this and have gone through the gambit of thoughts and resentments of people that treat me (ABC) negatively. I have settled with the mindset that it doesn’t bother me because I actually feel a lot of empathy for them. A lot of them have left their home (many times for economic reasons) to come to America to essentially be us. They will always be an outsider in America and everything that we are is what they left everything they knew to try and become. They don’t dream in English (they dream and think in their native language)… they will never be seen as Americans no matter how hard they try. Even to go to the morbid side - when they die they will be the first generation to be buried in a different country than their every single one of their ancestors. So - I just have empathy that it comes from a place of jealousy… by just being born in America and speaking English without accents and having an opportunity to have a job other than anything related to math or software (you get the idea of the limited number of job opportunities that their education can translate to) we are in a position much better than they will ever be or Hope to be in America. So with that in mind - I let it go and just feel empathy. It doesn’t bother me anymore.

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@D1 Lmao wtf is this response, you deserve to be bullied

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I can relate as someone who cheered in middle school and high school. When I first made the team, 2 of my girl friends said you're only going to hang out with white people now and not be friends with us. ????????
We naturally drifted apart, not bc I only wanted to hang out with white friends. I realized how wack they were and didn't want that kind of friendship.

So growing up I didn't have many Asian friends, even in college. People say I'm white washed or whatever, but idc bc I still speak Korean fluently and I actually lived there almost half of my life.

If they caught me on a bad day, I'd be like "and?? Do you feel holier?????" But through my experience, I think it's best to ignore and live the unbothered life.

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Thanks for sharing your lived experience! Sorry you had to go through that.

For me, it's a bit tricky because I barely speak broken canto and haven't been to Asian. Obviously, this doesn't change my race/ethnicity but it's more fodder for the "white washed" attacks.

What I find interesting is, if this person hates white / Americans so much, she could actually help share her cultural roots rather than denigrate others but chooses not to.

Wish I could avoid the toxicity. Unfortunately, stuck in overlapping friend groups.

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There’s kind of two parts to this. One, the rudeness of this other person, and two, how you feel about yourself. The first part is no different from someone who keeps calling you fat or ugly in public. Call out this rudeness for what it is and see if social pressure can get this person to stop. The second part is more long-term critical. Are you really comfortable with who you are? Of course, clearly the other person is not, but we cannot be too responsible for other people’s self-esteem and identity issues. They might be conflating identity issues and something else, you might not easily help this person with ‘education’ about their cultural identity. But yourself, well, are you fine? Need a trip to Singapore or somewhere? When I came to America for college, I thought most Asian-Americans I met had difficulty separating how they acted from who they were. The way I put it is, how often I choose to eat pizzas over noodles cannot define who I am because I know I’m Asian. Nothing will change that. 23 years later, I think it’s still true. Will my daughter have issues? Perhaps she will need a few years in Asia to realize that identity can be a choice and that she has choices.

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Thanks for the reply! Re: #2, yup, I feel great about where I am. No major self-esteem issues. Proud to be Asian.

The reason I'm so offended is because I firmly believe this type of behavior is damaging and toxic to society. This woman has even denigrated others she finds too white or American, and it's caused them behavioral health issues.

Particularly in the last few years where strangers have repeatedly called me a ch*nk with one even spitting at my feet, it's downright offensive to be attacked as white by someone who should empathize.

The older I get the less patience I have for people who are ignorant and waste my time. I would honestly recommend you just disassociate yourself or tell them straight up: “good for you, mind your own business”. Being direct frees up a lot of mental energy

This applies to people on both sides of the spectrum: those who try too hard to fit in as white and those who judge you for not being Asian enough. They can do whatever they want with their lives, but they have no business telling you how to live yours if you’re not doing anything that harms anyone else. There’s enough to worry about career and money wise that you don’t have time for other people’s judgement if it’s not actually constructive criticism that helps you grow

Imo culture is more than just food, language, clothing. Those things are surface level. Being Asian is about the immigrant work ethic. The ability to have the discipline to overcome and achieve your goals but to also have the thoughtfulness to sacrifice for the greater good when necessary. Being honest even when no one is watching and loyal to those who have been good to you. Not judging people for the things they have but how they act and the impacts they make. Now of course those values aren’t unique to Asians or immigrants, but I find those qualities are more common in immigrants. I encourage you to surround yourself with people of similar values, regardless if Asian or not

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@SC2: 100% agree. We actually *had* a mutual white (moderate) friend who told me the bigotry attacks were "wrong" but then said "that's just the way she is" and that I should just let it go.

White friend later told the bigot that I was overreacting and had anger issues.

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First and foremost, they’re being very rude and you should tell them such. And that they are racist and should shut up.

What’s happening here is that most people don’t really understand the dynamics between culture and race and national identity, and racism, etc.

Sociologically, it’s completely natural for 2nd generation kids to be more assimilated into American culture and to be predominantly American in terms of culture. There’s nothing objectively wrong about it. It’s just a natural sociological phenomenon since you grew up in American society. There is a spectrum in this of course, and some 2nd generation retain more of their parent’s culture than others (mostly due to parental influence). But by 3rd generation and each successive one, the spectrum narrows. That’s how we got America. There should be no judgment for where someone falls in this spectrum because that’s often determined by external circumstances and opportunity.

There’s an intersection with racial discrimination here in regards to their comments. They (like many other racists) see Asian ethnic background and American cultural identity as being incongruent.

- They don’t think you can be a true “American” as a person with an Asian ethnic background. Therefore they see you as a “white” person for having an American cultural identity.
- They wouldn’t question why a 2nd generation Italian American doesn’t speak Italian or know much about Italian culture.
- It’s the same racism behind why Asian Americans get asked “Where they’re really from?” whereas white/black Americans don’t.

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@P1: lol I think not- you can keep walking on that path alone and ignore life’s hints. Good day to you too.

I would do following:

Tell them I take that as a compliment(with a mischievous smile on my face). Tell them it’s not easy to identify with two cultures at the same time and I have been doing that since my childhood. Imply that I must have exceptional abilities.

helpful

I was born in HK and moved to the US at ~10 yo. For whatever reason, we ended up in the mid west so I got to experience and integrate into both cultures separately. Through out high school, I would go back to HK every summer so my Cantonese kept up. For college, I moved to a city where there were more cultural diversity in the same location.

Interestingly enough, I think it's more about finding people who accept you for who you are. During college, I joined a frat with majority white members, but I was also the president of the HK student association at the same time 😂 Maybe I was lucky to have good people around, but I didn't have issues doing both.

I think you just have to search for friends who are more chill about this type of stuff. As you see here, there are plenty of Asian people who are going through similar experiences as you that believe it shouldn't matter either.

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Tell them to fuck off. Live your best life. Being dependent on the approval of others is a toxic Asian trait that you should rid yourself of.

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I have. I've called out their bigotry both privately and then publicly. I am not dependent on their approval nor do I seek it.

Mentioned it in another comment - we have mutual friends groups and volunteer at similar organizations. Not my choice to associate with her.

Just own it and be yourself.

I’m a hapa who doesn’t speak any of my native language and has a completely American name. However, I still have very Asian norms and values that I strongly maintain. I have no discomfort living in both words because frankly, I don’t care about the naysayers from any angle.

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I came here when I was in HS but I lived in a rural/white/Red state where nobody there were immigrants from anywhere. It was eye opening and educational as to how much obstacle one has to overcome to fit in a White society. Later when I moved to NYC, I met many foreign students who never underwent that discovery or transformation.They are just comfortable in their own skin and they did not really have the desire to ever experience what I did. I struggled a lot with what to do with the situation and eventually I realized it had to do with what I wanted from living in America. If I want to stay here and make the most of the experience, I cannot simply live like a tourist. I am part of this American society and I have to act in my own interest to sustain long term compatibility. With regards to those who criticize me as “too Americanized/white washed”, I don’t blame them at all. I acknowledge their rights to go home when they don’t feel like they belong here and I wish them the best, without ever feeling the need to confront them about their choice.

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First, this is just mental. You are letting her to control/affect your emotion.

Second, listen and understand what she was referring to culturally, maybe you would learn a few things from her.

Third, take Cantonese class if possible, spend some time with foreign born people to exchange some perspectives/value

Good luck

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My go to response now is just “wtf do you expect? I was raised in America” 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

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/r/iamverysmart energy

Addendum: Any good resources I can share? Trying to give them a chance, but they're just doubling down on this type of internalized bigotry. Literally using the justification "some people are insulted (at being called white), but I'm not offended"

I1 - my parents are like “yep, it’s American Chinese food.”

American Chinese food, just like Americans of Chinese descent, are a different and wholly legitimate tradition. They are not an “aberration” from the orthodox standard. Don’t be the Spanish Inquisition of Chinese food or Chinese Americans.

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