{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "How do you develop healthy financial boundaries with parents? My mother made a lot of sacrifices for myself and my sister growing up but she’s starting to feel like a burden. She’s just refused to go for more in life mostly because she’s been in a financially, emotionally and on one rare occasion, physically abusive relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to help her but she’s getting older and I’m trying to save for possible medical expenses. I have an account dedicated to that which — cont’d", "post_id": "61016d2fdd671e0028c18bb2", "reply_count": 14, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

How do you develop healthy financial boundaries with parents? My mother made a lot of sacrifices for myself and my sister growing up but she’s starting to feel like a burden. She’s just refused to go for more in life mostly because she’s been in a financially, emotionally and on one rare occasion, physically abusive relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to help her but she’s getting older and I’m trying to save for possible medical expenses. I have an account dedicated to that which — cont’d

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I guess I’m confused by your comment about not wanting to be in a situation where she’s spent all of your money and then you both have to beg. Does she have access to all of your bank accounts?

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No, I mean spent all her money i.e. my money that I’m giving to her … hope that makes sense

To future medical expenses that I contribute to monthly and do not allow her spend. She’s also really bad with finances and I’m trying to curb the pattern. I don’t want to ever be in a situation where we have to beg for money because she’s spent it all on things that don’t matter then we’re stuck. Other than finances, we have such a good relationship. What am I supposed to do to support her without allowing her spend all the money and have none left? I would have enrolled her in therapy but she lives outside the country and I’m sure she would use the money for something else. I love her but her bad financial situation is stressing me out and she’s close to her 60s not to mention still in the bad marriage and now is almost about to become solely dependent on me and maybe my sister when she starts working. Also, I want to do the best for her because of the sacrifices she made but what can I do about her poor financial habits without leaving her completely stranded? Please be delicate with the responses I’m in a tough situation right now. Thank you.

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She lives with her spouse who is also my father and financially well off but part of the abuse she’s currently going through is financial so he kind of regulates her finances barely providing enough for her to take care of herself and the household. It all stems from him stopping her from working years ago she is very educated and was doing well for herself prior to all this. However, after he stopped her from working and basically employed her in his company years later after being out of the labor force for a while. It’s such a long story and kind of difficult to summarize but yeah. She’s married to a wealthy man that treats her like less than and abuses her and she is completely financially dependent on him. God knows what happened to her savings because she has absolutely nothing and I don’t know how that happened. I think she might have spent it on myself and my sister when we were going to school (I grew up in a different country)

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I feel you OP. My mother was widowed when I was young so she made a lot sacrifices so I can have the life I have now. Therefore, she was very emotionally dependent on me. When I started to earn money, she became more and more financially dependent on me and my sister. We pay her mortgage and living expenses. It is a burden, but I love her dearly and believe we are paying her back for her years of sacrifice. However, my mom does not have access to my money, so it's up to me if I want to send her money or not. I believe it is first priority to remove her access to your money. You know what's best for you and her. She needs to learn to deal with money better and you should teach her by setting an example. I know it will be hard to have the conversation, but do let her know you will be blocking her access to your bank accounts. Let her know you are doing this because you love her and want you and her to live a better life.

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Thank you ♥️ I guess I must have worded my rant poorly but she does not have direct access to my bank account/funds. My issue is that she does not manage the money given to her properly either. That’s one of the major issues I’m having.

My uncle has similar issues. He is terrible with finances and also loses a lot of $$$ trying to get rich quick and falls for internet scams. I think my cousin has tried to help him budget his social security as well as helps him with an allowance she gives, but i don't know how well it worked. I know it's tough on her and requires a lot of patience/time on her end to help him manage his life. He was going to therapy for a while which she said helped. I know you said it's tough since your mom is in another country, but maybe you can make it a condition of the $$$ you give her that she needs to go. Also, maybe you can pay the therapist directly instead of giving your mom the money to pay them.

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Hey OP I think it’s time to have a sit down discussion to tell your mom you really want to help her but clearly state your help is dependent on your mom agreeing to a budget that you will review jointly on a monthly basis.

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Is her husband also not going to cover her medical expenses? Does he pay for their housing? I think you need to clarify what you're trying to solve for. If it's that she doesn't have enough for decent food, clothes, or discretionary spend, give her an allowance regularly so she can't spend it all at once. If you're trying to solve for long-term expenses, then put money away so it can be used when the time comes. Pay those bills as directly as you can, so she doesn't handle the money, or find a trusted third party/relative in country to do so. If it's both, then do some of both. Be wary that any money you give or send her could also be commandeered by her husband.

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