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Rising Star
Hire ALL the help. Maids, laundry service, grocery service, sitters for one night out a week, prepared meals. Outsource everything except your job and spend all your available time with your kids and maybe doing something for yourself. I do this and off your list, exercise for me is the one thing that’s slipping RN. But I will be fixing that soon now that my 2yo can be bribed with a device while I work out. Hang in there. It is a tough juggle.
ETA - pets are a hard no right now. Husband and kids want a dog but it’s not happening. When my 2yo is potty trained and I take a breath for a moment, I may consider it.
Yep this.
Someone told me once you have think about everything as juggling a ball. Some are glass (can’t drop those) and some are plastic (let them fall and pick it back up) and you gotta figure out which ones for you are plastic and glass in any given moment. From there you don’t have to have it all together because you can always pick up a “plastic ball” and start again. I’m sure you’re doing much better than you think you are so give yourself a little grace!
This is the best metaphor...everyone prioritizes things differently and you have to find out what those are to you. My husband and I both work full time and we don't have the finances to hire everything out- we're still in debt over the cost of daycare- and I've grudgingly accepted the fact that my house will never look like a Better Homes &Garden House, but I don't like it. I never thought I was one to compare myself to others, but I do it more than I realize. Most of the women I know feel the same- we're not measuring up to some ideal we have in our heads and you either give up the ideal or you allow yourself to feel awful about things you can't control. It took me a long time to even get to the point where I would even allow myself the grace to accept the fact that I was in more control of how I felt than I realized!
I have 2 kids aged 5 and 8. I hire no help (not because I think that’s virtuous but because I can’t justify outsourcing at our current household income) and I think I do a decent job of “doing it all.” Here’s what a normal weekday looks like:
- 6am wake up and make coffee. Chat with husband.
- get kids ready for school, make their lunches, and take them to school
- back home by 7:45am
- workout
- work until kiddie pickup
- sometime during the day spend 10-15 minutes tidying the house. Run the robot vacuum and/or mop
- pickup kids at 2:45
- talk to kids about their day on the way home. Sometimes stop for a treat.
- back to work
- take kids to activities around 5pm
- work while they’re practicing
- if I don’t put something in the instant pot before heading out, my husband cooks dinner. Often a meal delivery box
- eat dinner as a family
- tidy up after dinner. No more than 10 minutes
- watch tv with family
- bedtime
On weekends, my husband spends ~an hour doing the lawn and/or maintaining the pool. Our house is not kept squeaky clean AND tidy but it’s usually presentable and not DIRTY.
Some things that make life easier, smoother, and/or BETTER:
My husband and I have marriage counseling every week even though we are in a good place. Therapy keeps us in a good place.
We go out to eat as a family 2x/week, usually Saturday and Sunday. it’s quality time AND takes a task of the to do list.
We subscribe to a meal box to make weeknight dinners easy.
We try not to let our house get super messy and we try to do one hard or onerous thing at a time instead of having an entire day of cleaning.
I take small moments to love on my kids and make my husband feel seen and important. When you don’t have the quantity, make the quality excellent.
I’m generous with thank yous and expressions of appreciation.
We have a robot vacuum and robot mop, which require that i pickup the house in order to use them.
I buy cleaning products and/or tools that make cleaning less of a chore. It’s still a chore but less bad.
Wow you are goals! 😍
I couldn’t do it all either, even with a husband who did a lot of cooking and carpooling kids. I left BL recently and didn’t realize how happy I could be. I feel like I’m back to my old self, as was in denial about that for a long time.
Is the hours requirement lower or is it something else? I am in BL and recently turned down an offer at a top midsize firm in major market with a lower hours requirement but I would have had less downstream support so those hours would have felt more stressful to me.
I’ll be honest, I never feel like I’m doing it all well. There are days I go to bed feeling like I’ve nailed 3 out of 5, and those are days I feel good. It’s been rough mentally, given that we’re all folks who love not just doing things well but doing them better than most people. Sorry, I know it’s probably not helpful, but I wanted you to know you’re not alone!!
Haha no way girl, that’s only happened one or twice since my son was born…he’s 2yo 😂
First of all you’re doing amazing. You got here and that’s half the battle! And no one is doing it all.
From what I understand those who come close are outsourcing A LOT. Nanny, cleaning lady, dog walker etc. Getting things delivered (scheduled if possible - I do this for formula, diapers wipes, dog food, toilet paper, etc. stuff you always need). A lot of people who exercise regularly feel that first thing before anyone is up is the only way to prioritize it. I tend to agree.
The problem w the early morning workouts is that I’m constantly up late trying to reclaim the only “me” time there is in the day.
Rising Star
My mental health vastly improved when I stopped trying to do it all!
I’m single and have kept two cats alive in a messy house and sometimes fit in Peloton and vaguely healthy eating via meal kits. Be kind to yourself.
And yeah outsource. Cleaning help, yard help, etc. Meal help. I know someone who paid someone for a couple hours to do meal prep twice a week.
This thread is gold.
I’ll add that for me (and I know this isn’t necessarily for everyone), but quitting alcohol has changed my life. I’m a year sober now, and I feel like my days are twice as long (I mean that in a good way). There is so much more time to do the things that are important, and I’m 100% present for moments that matter the most. Plus my anxiety levels have reduced dramatically. No one would have looked at me and said “she’s an alcoholic,” but your drinking doesn’t have to meet others’ stereotype for it to be a problem in your life. I learned to depend on those glasses of wine at home after work and mimosas on the weekend. I thought life would be so boring when I gave it up, and it took a few months, but I genuinely feel like my best self, imperfections and all. I have so much more grace for myself now, when I used to feel like I was such a failure for not “doing it all.”
Again, I know this is not for everyone. Not tying to be preachy. I just know how much alcohol permeates the legal field and I don’t think it’s talked about enough.
Who can do all that is either a superman/superwoman or a liar.
I’m trying to be sincere and not at all condescending because I thinks we should all show each other and ourselves more grace.
I think I do it all reasonably well. That said, I do kind of feel like a robot and I’m not the happiest person.
- do my kids feel loved? Yes
- does my husband feel loved and are we connected? Yes
- is my house presentable? Yes
- am I crushing it at work? Yes but I’m in-house and the demands on my time are so much less than when I was in big-law
- do I workout regularly? Yes. It’s a non-negotiable for me and everyone in my house knows it so they give me the time and space to do it. Sometimes they even join me.
I’m not a superwoman or a liar. I think my standards for cleanliness are more realistic than most and I’ve grown used to a little clutter. I also heap laundry on top of the countertop in my laundry room when I can’t be bothered to put it away.
Also, my kids are both school aged. I struggled A LOT more when they were younger.
Remember, the 8hr business model was created when it was the norm to have one spouse (the wife) home all day doing all the necessary activities to keep a house running. It was never intended for one individual to do it all. Get help when needed!!
As for motivation for some areas, I have to find joy, so things don't become a chore, i.e., finding joy in cooking a healthy meal for myself, or finding a sense of accomplishment when I meal-prep on an occasional Sunday. Little mind tricks 😅
P2, try doing something you do like to do. I've found "movement' is better than just trying to cram in a traditional workout because if you hate it, you won't do it. I go on daily walks because that's not intimidating. I also like dancing, so I'll schedule dance classes here and there or make it part of date night with my spouse. It's excellent cardio and because it's something fun to me, I like it and do it more. The point is to get up and move and the more you do it, the more you'll find activities you like that make you move, and before you know it, you're"working out".
Here just in solidarity.
I can't even do 1 😂 accordingly, you're doing great.
Here for the comments. I ask myself this question almost daily and it’s nice to know I’m not alone!
What man ever worries about having it all and includes taking care of the house, and pets in that sentence? Change that mindset and then you have it all. When you realize you’re not a maid or a dog sitter or a nanny then you have it all. What does your husband do to make sure you have it all? You have it all when you have a husband that can worry about the house and the cooking and the kids as well and it’s not just you. If you don’t have that, you don’t have anything. Of course this doesn’t mean you have to be married to have it all. I’m only saying that because OP referenced marriage. You can have it all without being married to.
Hire help. Force making time for important relationships. Set boundaries early, but also make sure you’re putting in effort to do your best work when you are working. Make time for self-care, i.e, workouts, therapist, spas.
If you’re not there, just start small. Start by hiring a housekeeper and making a dinner date plan. Plan to have sex either in the morning or evening (hear me out on this one — my last relationship suffered because of lack of intimacy because I’d always be tired, etc. in my new relationship I’ve made it a priority to be intimate with my partner. It doesn’t have to be long, even some snugging and a quickie will do SO much for your relationship if you make it part of a regular routine. Now it’s just normal for us and we always set the alarm clock a little early to have time with each other in the morning). Throw on a face mask when you’re watching tv or working from home.
You can’t change everything overnight or it’ll be an overload. But once the first small things start to be a normal part of routine, add a couple more. It does all unfortunately take effort.
Rising Star
Great advice about intimacy with partner. I really need to do that. Thanks for the reminder.
If only one part slips you are already a super woman. I don’t have kids, barely taking care of the house, and I am not staying fit either. I don’t think there is anything wrong with accepting and acknowledging we can’t do it all. There’s just not enough time to do all that, let alone do it well.
I switched to a reduced time role. And…xanax
Get in bed at 8 and just relax. Ultimately, none of it matters, except your family. You hustle all day. If there's dishes, laundry, etc., you'll hustle again tomorrow. You can't spend so much time planning/ juggling your life that you forget to enjoy it while you're living it. If this doesn't work for you, hire help for the things you really can't stand leaving left undone. I read a quote once that never left me - "A man's life worth isn't measured by the things he did, but by the words in the eulogies of his wife and kids." Obv change to feminine words but you get the idea. I've never heard a eulogy talk about how clean someone kept their house... I keep my house pretty tidy but whatever is left at night is tomorrow's problem.
Outsource literally everything I reasonably can and manage my own expectations about my abilities. Only way I stay sane.