My 22yr old daughter Amy is in her first manager role. She recently got a new person on her team who *kinda* reports to her, like a "leader among peers" type role. This girl tries to deliberately set up Amy to fail, or one-ups her, or passively puts her down constantly. Well, I'm in HR for 25 years, so I put my HR hat on and told Amy what I would tell someone at work: approach it directly. I told her the next time this girl does something, just stop and say " we are on the same team and have the same goal. Why does it seem like you are in competition with me? I am here to help you succeed as a new hire in the team so we all are doing our job well. What am I missing??"
Direct approach is the only way to stop this crap.
Confront it straight on... You'll be able to tell if the person is honestly shocked/you misinterpreted their actions, I'll bet $10 they stammer and deny, but they'll stop.
Agree you have to deal with it directly. It’s a form of bullying. I had another P who was doing this crap and I had enough and just started confronting their bull crap. I think they now respected me for pushing back and the relationship completely changed.
My favorite response to basically any inappropriate comment is “Wow. I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying that”. And leave it at that. Just let them spiral going over what they said until they figure it out.
Feign ignorance. Say you're tired/exhausted or distracted and just want to make sure you understood - ask them to explain what they meant when they said xxxxxxx.
I like what Office Manager1 said, but you can leave off the pre-qualifiers. None needed. You can straight up just ask them to explain.
I’ve gotten the “Lighten up, I was just joking” response even though I knew they weren’t joking. 🙄 I’ve started asking quizzically “I’m confused. Which is the funny part? You’ll need to explain the joke so we can ALL laugh” It puts them in the hot seat which is where they should be with their passive-aggressive behavior. They usually stop making comments around me once they see that I’m not being rude or aggressive, but I’m also not being silent or backing down.
Confront- I'd say, "Just wanted to check in with you, is everything alright between us? You've said a few things that come off as jabs at me and I just want to understand your perspective."
An easy 0 steps approach: 0- prepare a formal email to your most appropriate manager but do not sent it yet 1- take the discussion to a one to one with that person and try to have it fixed 2- if it is not sufficient, send the email to have it fixed by making the management step in.
Do not play on the same ground ever, it’s a question of game theory most socially acceptable position.
Respect is a basis. If your organization doesn’t react or passively supports toxic attitudes like this, consider making your worth being appreciated elsewhere.
This can escalate if not squashed. If it's borderline bullying ask "hey I'm sure I'm wrong, but your comment earlier seemed like you were taking a jab at xyz... did i hear that right?"
I'm curious about what the actual comment was. But if you felt it was a dig... you should probably confront it.
I've been in a similar situation before with a grad who wasn't as smart as he thought he was and fundamentally didn't play well with others.
I wasn't his boss but definitely more experienced. I raised it with someone even senior as a mediator - and expressed my co cerns about the behaviour, the effect on me, the team, and potentially the trajectory of the company culture.
They mediated and we discussed on even ground what was acceptable and what wasn't. We established ground rules.
Thereafter every time he broke it I'd just pull him aside afterwards and remind him about that.
Fact is if you're noticing passive aggression directed at you, I can guarantee others notice it too. Ask around the team, or ask around people who've seen that interaction.
My 22yr old daughter Amy is in her first manager role. She recently got a new person on her team who *kinda* reports to her, like a "leader among peers" type role. This girl tries to deliberately set up Amy to fail, or one-ups her, or passively puts her down constantly. Well, I'm in HR for 25 years, so I put my HR hat on and told Amy what I would tell someone at work: approach it directly. I told her the next time this girl does something, just stop and say " we are on the same team and have the same goal. Why does it seem like you are in competition with me? I am here to help you succeed as a new hire in the team so we all are doing our job well. What am I missing??"
Direct approach is the only way to stop this crap.
Confront it straight on... You'll be able to tell if the person is honestly shocked/you misinterpreted their actions, I'll bet $10 they stammer and deny, but they'll stop.
Agree you have to deal with it directly. It’s a form of bullying. I had another P who was doing this crap and I had enough and just started confronting their bull crap. I think they now respected me for pushing back and the relationship completely changed.
My favorite response to basically any inappropriate comment is “Wow. I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying that”. And leave it at that. Just let them spiral going over what they said until they figure it out.
Will be using this one!
Just kill them with kindness and don’t let it bother you. Their opinion is really meaningless if they mean nothing to you.
EY2 you’re right, and that’s what Freud calls transfer hence freudian transfer.
go with the "well bless your heart" response.
Feign ignorance. Say you're tired/exhausted or distracted and just want to make sure you understood - ask them to explain what they meant when they said xxxxxxx.
I like what Office Manager1 said, but you can leave off the pre-qualifiers. None needed. You can straight up just ask them to explain.
I’ve gotten the “Lighten up, I was just joking” response even though I knew they weren’t joking. 🙄 I’ve started asking quizzically “I’m confused. Which is the funny part? You’ll need to explain the joke so we can ALL laugh” It puts them in the hot seat which is where they should be with their passive-aggressive behavior. They usually stop making comments around me once they see that I’m not being rude or aggressive, but I’m also not being silent or backing down.
Voodoo doll with big pins.
Confront- I'd say, "Just wanted to check in with you, is everything alright between us? You've said a few things that come off as jabs at me and I just want to understand your perspective."
I’m kind of an asshole so I just go the direct confrontation route.
Pull them aside, asks what’s up.
Then again I’m fairly senior, your situation may differ.
Sounds like microaggressions. Can you share more detail? Is it related to a protected class? 🧐
Need more context. Seniority of person doing this? What are they insulting you about — work? Personal life?
Hi,
An easy 0 steps approach:
0- prepare a formal email to your most appropriate manager but do not sent it yet
1- take the discussion to a one to one with that person and try to have it fixed
2- if it is not sufficient, send the email to have it fixed by making the management step in.
Do not play on the same ground ever, it’s a question of game theory most socially acceptable position.
Respect is a basis.
If your organization doesn’t react or passively supports toxic attitudes like this, consider making your worth being appreciated elsewhere.
And this is exactly why people refuse to go back to office!
I definitely hear you and want to add that people can bully or harass even when we all WFH :-(
Follow Peggy Olsen’s storyline in Mad Men.
*Takes off earrings*
I’ve been there. I got a new job because it was obviously a toxic environment.
So… let me guess, you’re working with an educated conservative cis straight white man?
Been there.
This can escalate if not squashed. If it's borderline bullying ask "hey I'm sure I'm wrong, but your comment earlier seemed like you were taking a jab at xyz... did i hear that right?"
I'm curious about what the actual comment was. But if you felt it was a dig... you should probably confront it.
Speak to them in private afterwards - ‘I didn’t appreciate xyz behaviour’. Done. Maturity beats immaturity, and coaching beats bitterness
I've been in a similar situation before with a grad who wasn't as smart as he thought he was and fundamentally didn't play well with others.
I wasn't his boss but definitely more experienced. I raised it with someone even senior as a mediator - and expressed my co cerns about the behaviour, the effect on me, the team, and potentially the trajectory of the company culture.
They mediated and we discussed on even ground what was acceptable and what wasn't. We established ground rules.
Thereafter every time he broke it I'd just pull him aside afterwards and remind him about that.
Fact is if you're noticing passive aggression directed at you, I can guarantee others notice it too. Ask around the team, or ask around people who've seen that interaction.
Ignore it and wait them out. This person will deny and never stop